DOGE Lands at NASA: Waste, Fraud, and Galactic Abuse NASA Launches Space Cash Program: Rocketing Budget Woes to the Moon In a cosmic twist of fiscal mismanagement, NASA has announced a new

Marines Confused by Downtown LA Deployment, Mistake Mariachi Band for Rebel Militia LOS ANGELES — A battalion of U.S. Marines deployed to downtown LA reportedly took up defensive positions behind a

James Bond and the Amazon Takeover: A License to Bill The Name's Bond, Prime Bond James Bond has battled megalomaniacs, dodged lasers, and survived decades of changing cultural norms—but can he handle

White Woman Arrested for Gentrifying Protest with Homemade Gluten-Free Riot Bread HIGHLAND PARK — A white woman named Emerson Willow-Mae Gerhardt was taken into “symbolic custody” Tuesday after attempting to hand

Giant Avocado Balloon Declared Sovereign Nation; UN Issues Statement DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES — A massive inflatable avocado used during Saturday’s protest has formally declared independence and now claims to be “the

Whoopi Goldberg’s Vision of Racism How She Sees Oppression in Everything, Everywhere, All at Once Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t just see race—she detects it, dissects it, and then files an official complaint. When

“One and Done” The New American Rite of Regret - “One and Done” By Cordelia Slumpford, Lifestyle Reporter-at-Girth In a country where people eat Tide Pods for clout and let AI tell them

Where Instagram Went to Photograph Tourists Photographing Lakes Banff: The Mountain Town Where Nature Costs Park Fees and Parking is Impossible Banff sprawls through the Canadian Rockies like a postcard that became

Nationwide Survey Shocks Nation: People Only Pretend to Care About the Environment on Instagram! "Saving the planet one filter at a time—until the likes roll in." In a revelation that’s both unsurprising

Kate Middleton Puts Her Royal Foot Down—In Sensible Flats A Modern Duchess Battles Ancient Blood Rituals and Other Antiquated Nonsense LONDON—Kate Middleton, the ever-graceful Duchess of Cambridge, has once again proven she

Anne Marshall Resigns in Defeat: Couldn’t Keep Up With Musk’s 27-Hour Workdays Exhaustion, Confusion, and the Existential Dread of Working Near Elon Musk WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anne Marshall, former Director of Data

Canada In, California Out: America’s Big Trade Deal From Poutine to Palm Trees: A Nation Rewrites Its Borders By Beaverton “Buzz” McCoy, reporting live from American's new province of Manitoba America’s Newest Trade

Hegseth Launches Military Mission — Says He's 'Just Here for the Narco-Terror Pinata' Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new military operation targeting drug cartels along the southern border, explaining that he's

Trump's Ultimate Uno Reverse Card: Mexico and Canada Now Guarding U.S. Borders How Trump pulled off the greatest diplomatic deal since the Louisiana Purchase—only this time, he got other countries to

Pope Francis Hospitalized, Mumbling Marxist Quotes: Vatican Scrambles to Contain 'Red Scare' Holy See or Holy Commune? Pope's Fever Sparks Theological Crisis VATICAN CITY— Chaos erupted in the Vatican after Pope Francis,

ICE Agent Accidentally Becomes Grand Marshal of Unauthorized East LA Parade EAST LOS ANGELES — ICE Agent Darren McClellan was thrust into unexpected local stardom Saturday after being mistaken for the

Keep Portland Weird (And Unemployed) Portland: The City Where Everyone Has a Side Hustle and a Kombucha Opinion Portland sprawls across the Willamette River like an artisanal cheese board come to life,

Zelensky’s Bold Move: Keeping Ukraine’s Minerals Safe While Sacrificing 300,000 More Boys “It’s not greed—it’s patriotism with a shiny golden touch,” says Ukrainian President. KYIV— In a dazzling display of wartime priorities,

Scientists Plan to Dim the Sun, Igniting Debates, Conspiracies, and a Potential SPF Rebranding Crisis From Rooster Confusion to Billionaire Light Fixes, Humanity Grapples With Its Biggest Experiment Yet Sunnyvale, California –

Hamas' Luxury Diet with U.N. Packages How to Embrace Your Inner Terrorist with Style and Panache While Waiting for the Inevitable Welcome, valiant terrorists of the shadows, to the ultimate self-help guide

Empathy Overload: When Caring Too Much Becomes a National Crisis Experts Warn: Stop Feeling and Start Ignoring! In breaking news, empathy—once hailed as a hallmark of human decency—has officially been declared a

Prince Harry ‘Blindsided’ as Meghan Markle’s Secret Plans Get Exposed—A Royal Reality Show Gone Wrong A Story of Love, Betrayal, and Publicity Stunts Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far

Protester Sues Over Burnt Hummus at Revolutionary Potluck LOS ANGELES — Tensions flared at the “Feed the Resistance” potluck in Echo Park after local protester Quinn Rawlings filed a civil suit

Mia Khalifa Retires from Porn: Adjusting to “Normal” Life One Awkward Interaction at a Time Mia Khalifa, the internet’s favorite former adult star, has officially swapped her risqué career for a

Biden Receives Prostate Cancer Treatment: Still More Popular Than Current Government Shutdown Medical miracles and political popularity collide in a country desperate for both. Former President's Health Crisis Outperforms Congressional Dysfunction WASHINGTON, D.C.

Tijuana Issues Travel Warning: “Too Dangerous in LA, Come Home Where It’s Safe” TIJUANA, MÉXICO — In a twist of geopolitical irony, the city of Tijuana has issued an official travel

Farmers Unleash DIY Tractor Innovations: The Rise of the Franken-Tractor The Agricultural Arms Race: Who Needs NASA When You Have Farmers? Across rural America, an arms race is unfolding—not over weapons or

LAPD Officer Joins Dance Circle, Demands Backup When Challenged to Breakdance LOS ANGELES — What began as a tense face-off between police and protestors in MacArthur Park devolved into a dance

Narwhals and Their Ridiculous Yet Glorious Tusk: Nature’s Funniest Mistake? The narwhal, affectionately known as the “unicorn of the sea,” boasts one of the most hilariously impractical biological features ever conceived:

Hamas: The Bullies of the Middle East Playground If Hamas were a kid on the playground, they’d be the ones stealing lunch money and then blaming the other kids for being

Trump’s Impossible Task: Navigating Peace Talks Between Russia and Ukraine A Stage Set for Chaos and Bizarre Demands As the world eagerly awaits an end to the conflict between Russia and Ukraine,

Hawk Tuah Girl: From a Frisky Fantasy to a Romantic Sahara Hawk Tuah Girl—once synonymous with wild nights, endless flirtations, and a carefree attitude—now finds herself in the arid depths of

America has a huge problem. Obesity, one of the leading causes of morbidity in the world, affects a whopping 35% of Americans. The latest pioneering treatment for the condition, Ozempic,