Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

FIFA Bans Reusable Bottles, Accidentally Creates Largest Bottled Water Monopoly Since The Desert 🌵💰 MIAMI, FL — In a move that economists are calling "inspired," "diabolical," and "probably both," FIFA has officially

France Discovers the Hard Way That Pre-Tournament Hype Doesn't Actually Count as Goals NANTES, FRANCE — In a development that has sent French football analysts into a tailspin roughly equivalent to discovering

Pride Month Sparks Annual National Competition To See Who Can Quote The Six Bible Verses The Fastest NEW YORK, NY — Pride Month officially began Sunday, triggering the annual American tradition in

Billion-Dollar Dominatrix Marketing Industry Explodes As Consumers Demand More Humiliation From Brands Giant Agency Dom Marketing Inc. Reaches $87 Billion Valuation By Calling Customers "Pathetic" And Charging Extra For It —

Decade Of Grade Inflation Ends When Employers Discover Difference Between An A And Actual Competence Human Resources Departments Request Immediate Federal Assistance WASHINGTON, D.C. -- America's universities entered full crisis mode this

Trump's Name Removed From Kennedy Center, Building Immediately Loses 73% Of Cable News Coverage WASHINGTON — In what historians are already calling the fastest collapse of relevance since a souffle meets

NPR Heroically Tracks Ebola Outbreak To Mysterious Source Known As "Donald Trump" WASHINGTON, D.C. — After months of intensive reporting, dozens of interviews, and several grant-funded brainstorming retreats involving artisanal coffee and

TEHRAN  —  WASHINGTON Why Iran Fears a Deal Today Means More War Tomorrow Five Observations on Trusting a Superpower That Already Walked Out Once Iran treats peace deals the way a cat treats a

Top Ten Bible Verses Misinterpreted by Democrats According to Experts Who Definitely Read at Least Half of Leviticus By The Wit and Wisdom Desk of Bohiney.com - Certified 127% Funnier than The

White House Launches Massive Investigation Into Who Told Musicians That Trump Event Was a Trump Event The Soros-Iran-Portland Barista Axis of Concert Evil Has Been Identified WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the increasingly

Supreme Achievement Of American Politics: Convincing Voters Simultaneously That Everything Is Great And The Country Is Literally On Fire WASHINGTON, D.C. (BOHINEY.COM DATELINE) — Political scientists at the University of Texas at

Iran Restores Internet, Accidentally Reminds Citizens What Freedom Feels Like Five Observations About a Government That Treats Wi-Fi as a Pardon After 88 days offline, millions of Iranians reportedly discovered 14,000 unread

King William's Corporate Wellness Monarchy: The Crown Gets a Performance Review By Prince William's standards, the plan sounds revolutionary. By normal human standards, it sounds suspiciously like a middle manager from

Pope Leo Warns AI Could Destroy Humanity, Immediately Delivers Message Through Global Fiber-Optic Robot Network The Vatican this week issued a sweeping warning about artificial intelligence, with Pope Leo XIV cautioning

America Discovers Its True World Cup Talent: Price Gouging at World Cup Speed BOHINEY.COM | DALLAS, TEXAS — For thirty-two years, the rest of the world quietly chuckled at the Americans who

Trump, Iran, and America's Most Geopolitically Complicated Wedding RSVP 💍☢️🇺🇸 "Donald Trump Explains Missing Son's Wedding With a Phrase Usually Reserved for Pentagon Briefings" Donald Trump may officially become the first father

Aaron Rodgers Married His Own Mary Bennet — And Somehow That Explains Everything The genius of The Other Bennet Sister is that Mary Bennet is basically the human embodiment of a church piano

TIME Magazine Accidentally Publishes 4,000th Article Called "The Truth About Trump" While Trump Continues Existing Anyway Five Observations About America's Newest Medical Specialty: "Diagnosing Trump From a Sofa" Jeffrey Sonnenfeld has now

Adult Friendship Crisis: "I've Studied This for 10 Years," Says Expert Whose Last Text Got a Thumbs-Up Emoji and Nothing Else America's leading friendship researchers announced this week that making friends

Trump Reportedly Explains Iran Negotiations Using Simple Real Estate Logic: "You Either Hand Over the Uranium or Things Get Extremely Zillow" President Donald Trump escalated rhetoric against Iran this week by

Small Town. Big God. Nobody Leaves Without Buying a Pie. Five Humorous Observations In most American towns, the church bake sale is about fellowship. In this town, it looked more like

White House Postpones Middle East Conflict Until Americans Finish Watching NBA Playoffs Five Reasons the Pentagon's Iran Strategy Now Resembles a Spirit Airlines Boarding Pass Pentagon officials reportedly asked ESPN if the

Americans Now Pay Monthly Fees for Things They Own, Things They Forgot They Subscribed To, and One Service They Cannot Cancel Nation's Subscription Economy Achieves Full Penetration as the Average American

Airlines Have Successfully Sold Americans the Same Seat Four Times With Different Names and Prices Nation's Air Carriers Complete Transformation of Economy Class Into a Product Differentiation Experiment in Which Every

Americans Who Vowed to Buy Electric Cars Every Time Gas Hits $4 Still Haven't Bought Electric Cars Nation Cycles Through Gas Price Outrage, Righteous EV Research, and Eventual Return to the

Tipping Has Expanded to Include Every Transaction Except Breathing, and Someone Is Working on That Nation's Gratuity Economy Reaches Checkout Screens Turned Toward Customers at Coffee Kiosks, Self-Serve Yogurt Bars, and

Americans Simultaneously Terrified AI Will Take Their Jobs and Using AI to Write Their Résumés to Get New Ones Nation Develops Nuanced Relationship With Artificial Intelligence Best Described as "Deep Suspicion,

Remote Workers Spend Half the Day Looking Busy for a Manager Who Is Also Looking Busy for Their Manager Nation's Work From Home Revolution Produces an Elaborate National Performance of Productivity

HGTV Has Convinced Americans Their Perfectly Functional Kitchen Is a Personal Failure Nation's Home Renovation Industrial Complex Trains Viewers to Feel Inadequate About Countertops, Then Sells Them Countertops Starting at $80

TSA PreCheck Exists Because Regular Airport Security Has Become Ritually Humiliating Enough to Pay to Escape Nation's Air Travelers Discover That Paying $85 to Skip the Line They Created by Having

Americans Spending Thousands on Wellness to Fix Health Problems Caused by Spending Thousands on Wellness Nation's $5.6 Trillion Wellness Industry Sells Solutions to Problems It Creates While Asking If You've Tried

Self-Checkout Machines Have Made Americans Unpaid Grocery Store Employees With No Benefits Nation's Retailers Complete Transition to Customer-Operated Labor Model While Maintaining Identical Prices and Adding a Machine That Screams About

Open Office Plans Proven to Destroy Productivity by the Same Companies Still Building Open Office Plans Nation's Workers Told Collaborative Workspace Will Spark Innovation While Actually Sparking Headphones, Misery, and Elaborate