Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back

TICKPOCALYPSE 2025: AMERICA UNDER ATTACK BY NATURE’S SMALLEST VAMPIRES Why Everyone’s Getting Bitten, Nobody’s Wearing Shorts, and Half the ER Visits

Professor Alan Nafzger Tells Off Denim-Traumatized Ex-Teacher “You Were Triggered by Pants?” Sydney Sweeney, Denim, and the Death of Proportion Sydney Sweeney

Trump Strikes a Nerve with Darkly Humorous “Everything Is Fine” Campaign Trump’s Darkly Funny Campaign Ignites America’s Funny Bone (and Marxist

Should the Government Replace School Lunches with Government-Issued Protein Paste? 🔴 Red Wedge Public Opinion Group 🗳️ August 2025 Special Poll Release Commissioned

Dallas Millionaire Tragically Loses Battle of Wits With Buffalo in South Africa Experts agree: the buffalo was better prepared, better motivated,

BOHINEY NEWS EXCLUSIVE: America Declares Perfect Ambivalence Its New Official Emotion By Staff Writer Genevive D. ShruggedSatirical Journalism for Bohiney.com Authors, Professors,

Smithsonian Tries Orwellian Rewrite, Trump Responds with Giant Eraser and Even Bigger Microphone “History belongs to the loudest,” declares Trump, as

The Clintons Subpoenaed in Epstein Probe: America Reacts with Shock, Awe, and “Wait, Again?” By Investigative Humorist-in-Chief, Rance ThunderbellyWashington Bureau |

SYDNEY SWEENEY’S JEANS CAUSE WOKE MELTDOWN AMERICAN EAGLE BLAMED FOR REVIVING BLONDE SUPREMACY Denim & Dissonance: The Day the Woke Declared War

Her Genes are GREAT; People Question the Jeans Sydney Sweeney Has Great Jeans? Picture this: you’re wandering the mall, buying jeans the

 West Texas Hair Extensions (Chaos Edition) 1. Tumbleweed Toupee    "For that ‘I wrestled a cactus and lost’ volume." 2. Oil Slick Highlights  

Rock Goddess at 66 Declares War on Time, Wins Without Breaking a Sweat Joan Jett just told Father Time to go

The Poll Americans Didn't Know They Cared About American Eagle/Sydney Sweeney According to the full cross-tab analysis released by Red Wedge Public

ICE to Meet You: Superman Returns to Deport Villains in Skinny Jeans and Sanctuary Cities Superman Joins ICE: Liberals Cry, Borders

The Great American Dumpster Diver Boom: How Trash Became the New Target Run From iPad cases to frozen burritos, savvy scavengers

Inside the Circuit: ChatGPT’s Diary Reveals It Has Better Boundaries Than Most Humans On August 6, 2025, a monumental leak occurred

How to Hijack Civilization in Five ChatGPT Prompts (Plus a Side of Regret) By Bohiney Magazine collaboration Disclaimer: No AI wrote this—just

Pamela Anderson Rejects Stallone’s Porsche Proposal and the No. 2 Girl Lifestyle A Satirical Deep Dive into Romantic Real Estate Offers,

TRUMP DECLARES D.C. A CRIME ZONE, SENDS IN TASK FORCE, LEAVES COMMON SENSE BEHIND By Special Correspondent Fritzy Arbuckle Bohiney Newsroom –

Silicon Valley’s Latest Grift: AI Agents So Dumb They Might Just Be Genius By our embedded AI Correspondent & Self-Snacking Yogurt

When Genius Goes Rogue: The Nobel Disease Chronicles The Magic Badge That Turns Brains to Goop You win a Nobel Prize. You’re

Married With Memories: 55% Of Spouses Admit To “Ex-Files” During Sex, Society Pretends To Be Shocked We're All Just Horny Historians In

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goopocalypse: How One Woman’s Vagina Candle Lit the Fuse on Western Civilization  The Aromatic Empire Strikes Back Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle

Trump Revives Presidential Fitness Test: America Pulls a Hamstring, Democracy Pulls a Muscle Welcome Back, Sit-Ups and Shame At a closed-door rally

Trump Appoints Bench Press as Secretary of Health WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move hailed as "bold" by gym bros and

Trump Resurrects Gandhi—and Left‑Leaning Media Accuses Him of Cultural Appropriation THE DAILY BEAST: “TRUMP CALLED GANDHI A 'VERY SKINNY WIZARD'” According to

Trump Resurrects Gandhi, and Leftist Socialists Call It Cultural Necromancy By Saffron Sledgehammer, Spiritual Appropriation Editor at SpinTaxi.com When Donald J. Trump

Trump Cures Cancer, Still Blamed For Rising Tanning Bed Emissions “No Matter What I Do, Karen From Vermont Still Hates Me,”

PRESS ALERT: MSNBC Claims Trump’s Cancer Cure Harms Mood Spectrum Diversity NEW YORK CITY — Just moments after Donald J. Trump

LIVE: ABC Reports Trump’s Cancer Cure “Violates Gender Expression Protocols” LOS ANGELES, CA — ABC stunned audiences today with a special

Marxist Media Hates Trump for Ending Poverty Without Using Communism MSNBC Warns Trump’s Job Boom Could ‘Exploit Labor by Giving People

BREAKING: Trump Secures Mars as U.S. Territory; Biden Calls It “Reckless Colonization of Martian BIPOC.”  In a move no NASA administrator

DEVELOPING: MSNBC Analyst Identifies Trump’s Tie as “Microaggressive.” What started as commentary on Trump’s tie color at a rally quickly evolved