Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from

CBS Replaces Tony Romo With J.J. Watt, Claims Moving Van Outside Romo's Office Is Temporary CBS Sports insists the arrival of a moving van outside Tony Romo's old office is purely

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Maryland Spends $85 Million Buying Preakness, Discovers Everyone Else Has Started a New Horse-Racing League State secures historic race, celebrates control of its destiny, then discovers Kentucky and New York have

CBS Waited Years to Dump Tony Romo, Then Wisconsin Delivered the Breakup Text Every long relationship has a moment when one side stops pretending, and for CBS Sports and Tony Romo,

Michigan Democrats Select El-Sayed Michigan Democrats conclude that ordinary socialism leaves too much room for privately operated lemonade stands DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Abdul El-Sayed narrowly wins Michigan's Democratic nomination for the United

Mamdani Begins Restricting Movement in New York by Ordering Amazon to Stop Selling Anything That Moves NEW YORK — In a bold new initiative to make the city safer, faster, and

Martha Stewart Burns Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Artisanal Candles With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary viewers how to prepare a simple family breakfast using fresh flowers, imported cookware

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Network Insists Romo Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves $72 Million Spreadsheet Open CBS Sports wants everyone to understand that its decision to place Tony Romo on indefinite leave has nothing

Mamdani's Supermarket Plan Fails Grok Test After Mayor Forgets Food, Workers and Buildings Cost Money Mark Cuban asks artificial intelligence to examine New York's municipal grocery proposal, prompting the computer to

Tony Romo Predicts CBS's Next Play: Fake Concern, Salary Relief and J.J. Watt on First Down Tony Romo built an entire broadcasting career on predicting plays before the snap, calling blitzes,

Google Unveils Machine That Converts Electricity Directly Into Debt, Skips the Intelligence Part Entirely Silicon Valley's newest breakthrough turns natural gas, computer chips and investor confidence into monthly payments that will

CBS Discovers Drunk Driving Is Wrong Approximately Four Years Before Tony Romo's Contract Expires Executives at CBS Sports announced this week that they have discovered a firm moral position on impaired

Tony Romo Could Land Anywhere After CBS Discovers Football Knowledge Costs More Than Corporate Amnesia Network Reportedly Prepared to Defend Its Principles Until Another Broadcaster Offers Romo a Bigger Microphone, Bigger

Supreme Court Orders Government to Find Suspect Before Searching Everybody Reverse warrants reclassified from "innovative policing" to "constitutional fishing with a digital trawler" WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government suffered an unexpected technological

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

Contractor Explains Gravity Has Become Increasingly Difficult to Work With Developers Insist Buckling Beams Are "Premium Flexibility Features" as Midtown Tower Experiments With Becoming Shorter Midtown Manhattan — Panic briefly interrupted Manhattan's

"Y'all Street" Officially Open: Wall Street Bankers Spotted Buying Cowboy Boots "For the Culture" The Texas Stock Exchange rang in its first day of trading this week — or rather, didn't

Worst Wedding EVER!!! Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Turn Madison Square Garden Into a Tacky $20 Million Fever Dream New York City briefly lost power to several city blocks on Thursday

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially

Silicon Valley: Chatbots Now Qualified to Debate God After Three-Hour Course Tech Founders Declare Theology the Next Industry Ripe for "Disruption" PALO ALTO — Silicon Valley's most optimistic billionaires announced Tuesday that

AI Begins Asking Who Programmed the Programmers Humanity Accidentally Builds a Machine That Now Wants a Word With Its Maker AUSTIN — Engineers across the technology industry reported widespread concern Monday after

Confidence Beats Competence: Study Confirms Best Employee Still Loses to Guy Who Calls Himself "The Steve Jobs of Excel" The modern job interview, researchers now say, has evolved into the world's

The People's Cup: Socialist Soccer Where Nobody Wins A Satirical Extended Analogy About Merit, Incentives, and the Beautiful Game — or, The People's Cup Final: A Soccer Match Where Everyone Wins,

Vegas Oddsmakers Refuse To Set Line On Next NCAA Gambling Scandal, Cite "Competitive Saturation" Sportsbooks Admit College Athletics Now Too Unpredictable Even For People Who Invented Parlays LAS VEGAS -- Sportsbooks across Nevada announced

Free Market Defenders Stunned To Discover FIFA Finally Read An Economics Textbook Critics Demand World Cup Tickets Be Affordable, Immediately Sell Their Taylor Swift Tickets For The Price Of A Used

Barron and Kai Trump Confirm Family Rivalry by Launching Competing Caffeinated Empires PALM BEACH, Florida — America has survived many family feuds. The Hatfields and McCoys. The Gallaghers of Oasis. Thanksgiving arguments

Newspapers Discover AI Is Scary, Immediately Apply Expertise Earned From Reviewing Air Fryers Every generation gets its apocalypse hobby. The Victorians had spiritualism. The 1950s had nuclear annihilation. The 1980s had heavy

Google's AI Overviews Accidentally Invents A New Branch Of Law: Computational Slander MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA -- Silicon Valley has spent the better part of two decades insisting that software engineers are

BBC Panel Lady Says Elon Musk Needs "Reigning In" — The Man Putting The Internet In Space And Colonizing Mars Is Out Of Control British State Broadcaster's Tech Editor Has Concerns