Mike Vrabel's Wife Keeps Wedding Ring On, Patriots Confirm Most Important Offseason Roster Move Is Staying Put Jen Vrabel still wearing wedding ring as NFL analysts upgrade marriage from Questionable to

Republicans Hold First-Ever Midterm Convention Because Apparently Elections Now Need a Halftime Show Trump and Vance descend on Dallas for a two-day political extravaganza in which Republicans attempt the daring electoral

Penn State Opens Joe Paterno Experience Room, Finally Gives Selective Memory Its Own Luxury Box University discovers fifteen years is roughly the statute of limitations on institutional embarrassment when kickoff is

Big Ten Announces Revolutionary New Clock Rule: Game Ends When Michigan Is Ahead Western Michigan defeats Michigan 12-7, celebrates historic upset, then learns the Big Ten apparently keeps emergency seconds in

TCU Opens Door to Transfer Portal, Alleged Locker-Room Thuggery Walks In, University Briefly Shows Newspaper the Door Horned Frogs discover modern roster management requires slightly more due diligence than asking whether

Cal Softball Lawsuit Turns Playing Time Into Dating Currency, and the Internet Immediately Reaches for the Oldest Joke It Owns A former player alleges innings were handed out based on affection,

WNBA Task Force Meets For Six Hours, Still Cannot Define Word "Woman" Or Find Consensus On Snacks NEW YORK — WNBA Commissioner Cathy Engelbert's emergency task force of team presidents and

CBS Replaces Tony Romo With J.J. Watt, Claims Moving Van Outside Romo's Office Is Temporary CBS Sports insists the arrival of a moving van outside Tony Romo's old office is purely

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would

Maryland Spends $85 Million Buying Preakness, Discovers Everyone Else Has Started a New Horse-Racing League State secures historic race, celebrates control of its destiny, then discovers Kentucky and New York have

Ted Cruz Attempts to Give College Sports National Rules, Discovers Senate Has Entered Overtime Republicans Demand Assurance NCAA Will Not Accidentally Receive a Backbone Transplant WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz is

CBS Waited Years to Dump Tony Romo, Then Wisconsin Delivered the Breakup Text Every long relationship has a moment when one side stops pretending, and for CBS Sports and Tony Romo,

Network Insists Romo Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves $72 Million Spreadsheet Open CBS Sports wants everyone to understand that its decision to place Tony Romo on indefinite leave has nothing

Tony Romo Predicts CBS's Next Play: Fake Concern, Salary Relief and J.J. Watt on First Down Tony Romo built an entire broadcasting career on predicting plays before the snap, calling blitzes,

CBS Places Tony Romo on Moral Leave After Accountants Discover $72 Million in Remaining Principles Company Finds Enormous Reserve of Untapped Integrity Hidden Inside Broadcasting Contract Tony Romo remains on leave from

CBS Discovers Drunk Driving Is Wrong Approximately Four Years Before Tony Romo's Contract Expires Executives at CBS Sports announced this week that they have discovered a firm moral position on impaired

Tony Romo Could Land Anywhere After CBS Discovers Football Knowledge Costs More Than Corporate Amnesia Network Reportedly Prepared to Defend Its Principles Until Another Broadcaster Offers Romo a Bigger Microphone, Bigger

Texas Sheriff Offers to Test Tony Romo's Jury, Guarantees Every Juror Will Fail Visiting lawman says universal police-academy standards can detect intoxication in anyone possessing knees, opinions or detectable breathing A Texas

10 Talking Points: The Free-Market Case Against Socialized Youth Soccer Broadcast-ready talking points for analysts responding to European "free soccer" arguments in the wake of Alexi Lalas's pay-to-play defense 1. "Free" is

Who Is Going to Pay for All This Free Soccer? America's New Game Plan: Taxpayers FC vs. Reality United The debate over America's youth soccer system erupted again this week after former

Local Marxist Determined To Find a Way This Was Trump's Fault, Eventually Succeeds Seattle — Belgium beat the United States 4-1 in the Round of 16 on Monday night, a scoreline

Top 10 Things That Actually Happened at Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party (Allegedly, Probably, Sort Of) Following reports that Travis Kelce's bachelor party was suspiciously well-behaved, our crack team of unreliable investigative

Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party Declared National Emergency After Nobody Wakes Up Married to a Pirate Dave Chappelle reportedly confessed he had never witnessed such an astonishing bachelor party. Not because it

World Cup "Inarguably" the Worst Ever? A Rebuttal to FIFA's Most Commercial Tournament Yet The 2026 FIFA World Cup has been hailed by some commentators as the greatest tournament ever staged.

FIFA Suspends Balogun for Recklessly Attempting to Play Football VAR Announces Soccer Too Exciting, Immediately Removes Best Player SANTA CLARA, CA — FIFA officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. striker Folarin Balogun has

USMNT Draws European Foe Again: Nation Bravely Hides Behind Spreadsheets America Discovers Europe Is Still Located on the Other Side of the Soccer Scoreboard The Numbers Are In, and So Is the

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially

England Win World Cup Group as Nation Briefly Interrupts Annual Tradition of Complaining About England LONDON — For a glorious seven minutes on Saturday evening, England experienced something historians previously believed

Haiti Eliminated So Fast the Team Got Home Before the Postcards Arrived Nation Confirms World Cup Campaign Was Brief, Loud, and Mostly Defensive PORT-AU-PRINCE — Haiti's World Cup campaign ended with such

Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer Carys Evans Tehran Accuses Satirist of Blasphemy, Defaming Allah and Humiliating Iran’s Sacred Men’s Football Team TEHRAN -- Iran’s senior religious authorities have issued

Sports Journalists Discover Silent Protest Is Only Beautiful When It Agrees With Them Media Veterans Forced to Consult Emergency Flowcharts After Athletes Use Wrong Kind of Silence NEW YORK – America's sports

The People's Cup: Socialist Soccer Where Nobody Wins A Satirical Extended Analogy About Merit, Incentives, and the Beautiful Game — or, The People's Cup Final: A Soccer Match Where Everyone Wins,

Taylor Swift's Sin: Getting Rich Without a Government Grant Woman Enjoys Basketball Game, Nation Demands Congressional Investigation NEW YORK — America is once again confronting one of its most pressing social crises: a