U.S. Discovers Latin America Exists After China Already Built the Parking Lot Five Observations from the Newly Awakened Hemisphere America apparently treated Latin America like that gym membership you keep meaning to

Meta Solves Its AI Ethics Problem the Old-Fashioned Way: Fire the Ethics There's a special kind of corporate elegance in building a machine so advanced it can replace humans — and

Scientists Confirm Americans Are Having a Great Time and Feeling Empty Inside — Simultaneously Groundbreaking Study Discovers "Feeling Good" and "Feeling Satisfied" Are Two Different Things, Which Explains a Lot WASHINGTON, D.C.

Kamala Harris Moves to $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone, Promises Inclusion Will Commute In Equity Advocate Buys Malibu Mansion Where Representation Stops at the Security Gate By Jasmine Carter | Malibu, California MALIBU, California

Supreme Court Orders Government to Find Suspect Before Searching Everybody Reverse warrants reclassified from "innovative policing" to "constitutional fishing with a digital trawler" WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government suffered an unexpected technological

DSA Wants Government to Own Large Corporations After Seeing How Beautifully It Runs the DMV Amazon Delivery Window Expanded to the Next Appropriations Cycle The Democratic Socialists of America support bringing major corporations into

DSA Unveils Simple Plan to Save America by Abolishing Every Part of America Nation to Be Replaced With Newsletter, Logo, and Strongly Worded Social Media Account The Democratic Socialists of America have unveiled a

DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American

Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders,

America Declared Officially Ungovernable, Blames Shortage of Adults and Surplus of People Who Tweet for a Living 🇺🇸 Somewhere between the third government shutdown threat of the fiscal year and the

James Carville Warns Democrats Their Lenin Book Club Is Losing Black Voters Bohiney.com Political Satire Desk James Carville, the Ragin' Cajun who has spent four decades explaining Democrats to Democrats, stunned a

Trump Didn't Ask Us... By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out

Apple Controls the Tech Sector's Strait of Hormuz, Developers Seen Paddling for Mercy Five quick observations before the alarms sound: Apple can reject your billion-dollar app with the same calm energy

Pentagon Replaces Navy Secretary Mid-Crisis, Assures Public This Is Totally Routine The Department of Defense would like everyone to remain calm. Yes, the Navy Secretary was removed without warning in the

Trump Orders Air Force One "Maxed Out" With Gold Seatbelts, Ballroom and Emergency McDonald's Drive-Thru Qatari-donated presidential jet returns to workshop after experts discover it can repel missiles but cannot yet

Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of

World Cup Tickets Hit $12,751 Average, Proving America Can Elitist-ify Anything, Even a Sport It Just Learned Exists NEW JERSEY — For decades, Americans were told soccer was "the world's game,"

Democrats Launch 2028 Primary, Immediately Demand Privacy for Publicly Marketed Spouses The Democratic Party's early 2028 presidential maneuvering has reportedly expanded beyond candidates and into the spouses, partners, plus-ones, emotional support

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as

The Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for POTUS in 2028 Meet the Man Who Answers to Nobody, Allegedly Every four years, the American electorate is promised a candidate who is "finally different," and every

CIA Admits It "Deliberately Massaged" the Presidential Daily Briefing, Charges Taxpayers $180 for the Hot Stone Add-On By the Bohiney.com National Desk — Where the Only Thing More Classified Than the

Greek Gods Applaud Visual Effects, Ask Whether Anyone Remembered the Tragedy Olympus Hosts Advance Screening of The Odyssey, Becomes the Most Opinionated Focus Group in Mythological History MOUNT OLYMPUS. The Greek gods

Mitch McConnell: He's Alive, and the Internet Morons Are Furious About It Professional Conspiracy Theorists Forced to Return to Square One After Man Continues Existing WASHINGTON. Mitch McConnell has made the unforgivable mistake

New York Celebrates Millionaire Diversity by Holding One Farewell Party at a Time New York State has proudly announced a bold new civic tradition: celebrating millionaire diversity by holding exactly one

Hirono Declares Herself the Only Witness Ever to Survive Asking Questions Senate Hearing Temporarily Reclassified as a Victimhood Endurance Event WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate confirmation hearing briefly paused Tuesday after observers

Yale's $94,000 Apology: Yale Says Sorry, Sort Of, With Footnotes Yale's Committee on Trust in Higher Education NEW HAVEN, CT — In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one except possibly the people

Britain and France Hold a Very Important Meeting About the Strait of Hormuz — Still No Boats Trump blockades Iranian ports, oil hits $100 a barrel, and America's closest allies respond

Congress Discovers It Can Rewrite the Universe If the Committee Hearing Runs Long Enough According to Noah Rothman's column, Congress is once again debating daylight saving time, creating the familiar spectacle of

Film Critics Finally Complete the Hero's Journey From Watching a Movie to Watching Themselves Film critics have greeted Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey with the sort of restraint normally associated with ancient Greek prophets

NASA Announces Nuclear Rocket, Humanity Immediately Starts Packing Snacks and Mild Panic Somewhere between "let's fix potholes" and "let's build a nuclear spaceship," humanity has once again chosen the option that

New York's $97,000 Sidewalk: Luxury Homelessness, Itemized New York City has quietly pioneered a real estate product nobody asked for: a six-figure outdoor apartment with zero bedrooms, zero walls, and an

Pickaxe Mountain Receives Surprise Promotion From "Suspicious Hill" to International Headline Iran Confirms Pickaxe Mountain Was Chosen Because "Nuclear Volcano" Sounded Too Obvious TEHRAN, Iran. Pickaxe Mountain, previously known only to Iranian

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience