Taylor Swift's Toy Story Appearance Forces America To Ask Difficult Question: Is Travis Kelce Just Ken With Better Insurance? NEW YORK -- America spent Thursday engaged in its favorite national pastime:

Mike Vrabel's Wife Keeps Wedding Ring On, Patriots Confirm Most Important Offseason Roster Move Is Staying Put Jen Vrabel still wearing wedding ring as NFL analysts upgrade marriage from Questionable to

College Tuition Soars 438%, Students Score More Hallway Universities Face Extinction as Parents Discover College Tuition Money Also Buys Homes With Bedrooms, Kitchens, and No Assistant Dean American higher education entered a

Talarico Says He ‘Missed the Mark,’ Texas Voters Ask Whether the Mark Was Located Somewhere Near Reality Senate candidate discovers two sexes, conventional theology and girls’ sports shortly before Texans discover

Democrats Warn $5,000 Trump Checks Could Lead to Slippery Slope Where Taxpayers Begin Asking What Happened to the Rest of Their Money Washington reportedly fears direct payments could expose dangerous connection

Republicans Hold First-Ever Midterm Convention Because Apparently Elections Now Need a Halftime Show Trump and Vance descend on Dallas for a two-day political extravaganza in which Republicans attempt the daring electoral

Older Americans Discover They Can Simply Refuse to Be Uncomfortable Nation's aging population rejects camping, roommates, high heels, and restaurants without parking in a stunning collapse of the inconvenience economy WASHINGTON — America's

Los Angeles Goes From City of Dreams to City Where Dream Is Finding a U-Haul Before Your Neighbor Adam Carolla says Angelenos will now move "anywhere," transforming Bakersfield from a place

Canada Threatens America With No Dairy, Motorcycles or Booze, Discovers America Has Cows, Harleys and Kentucky Ottawa unveils devastating economic weapon consisting primarily of products Americans already make in enormous quantities Canada

Canadian Officials Threaten Motorcycle Shortage, Harley-Davidson Checks Whether Everyone in Ottawa Is Feeling Well Milwaukee engineers briefly pause assembly line to determine whether Canada knows where Wisconsin is Canadian officials have raised

Canada Withholds Whisky From America, Kentucky Declares National Emergency at 4:17 and Happy Hour at 4:18 Bourbon state responds to Canadian alcohol threat with courage, oak barrels and suspiciously rapid emergency

Ottawa Bets U.S. Cannot Survive Without Canadian Cheese, Nine Million American Cows Demand Apology Wisconsin dairy herds call emergency press conference after discovering Ottawa apparently forgot they exist Canadian officials exploring dairy

AOC Dating Market Nationalized, Shortage of Eligible Men Reported Newly single congresswoman bars Republican applicants from the AOC dating market while federal officials investigate an alarming outbreak of ideological compatibility WASHINGTON, D.C.

Alcohol at the Office Is One Way to Improve Government Meetings Federal meetings normally feel three hours long. Introduce cocktails and suddenly they actually are three hours long, but nobody remembers

Fox Fires Maria Bartiromo for Answering a Question Too Well Network celebrates fearless journalism by demonstrating exactly which direction Bartiromo was permitted to aim the fearlessness Fox News has reportedly fired longtime

Nonfunctional Turf: California Puts Lawns on a Performance Review Sacramento decides some grass just isn't pulling its weight California has achieved what generations of civilizations thought impossible. It has developed a government

Texas Democrat Vows to Dismantle Capitalism, Assures Voters Buc-ee's Will Be Nationalized Only After Whataburger Talarico Campaign Promises Better World After Capitalism, Texans Ask Whether Better World Will Still Have Air

Big Ten Announces Revolutionary New Clock Rule: Game Ends When Michigan Is Ahead Western Michigan defeats Michigan 12-7, celebrates historic upset, then learns the Big Ten apparently keeps emergency seconds in

USS William J. Clinton Somehow Inherits Bill Clinton's Entire Personality Navy discovers new aircraft carrier can launch 80 aircraft, survive direct political hits, and explain for 45 minutes why it technically

Financial Times Investigates Texas' Radical 30-Year Experiment of Letting Businesses Make Money, Finds Disturbing Evidence It Works Texas Leads America With 57 Fortune 500 Headquarters as Economists Warn Prosperity May Become

TCU Opens Door to Transfer Portal, Alleged Locker-Room Thuggery Walks In, University Briefly Shows Newspaper the Door Horned Frogs discover modern roster management requires slightly more due diligence than asking whether

Maine Democrats Introduce Revolutionary Candidate Screening Process: Ask Questions After The Nomination Voters Unsure Whether They're Electing A Senator, A Redemption Arc, Or The Final Season Of A Prestige Crime Drama AUGUSTA,

Sinema's Legal Defense: Yes, There Was an Affair, but Please Consult the Map North Carolina Judge Refuses to Dismiss Homewrecker Case as America Discovers Romance May Have Minimum Contacts Former U.S. Senator

Democrats Fight Trump Ballot Verification Rules, Insist Asking Who Is Eligible to Vote Creates a Dangerous Climate of Knowing Who Is Eligible to Vote Trump administration pushes voter lists, ballot-envelope standards

France Discovers the Hard Way That Pre-Tournament Hype Doesn't Actually Count as Goals NANTES, FRANCE — In a development that has sent French football analysts into a tailspin roughly equivalent to discovering

Cal Softball Lawsuit Turns Playing Time Into Dating Currency, and the Internet Immediately Reaches for the Oldest Joke It Owns A former player alleges innings were handed out based on affection,

White House Launches Massive Investigation Into Who Told Musicians That Trump Event Was a Trump Event The Soros-Iran-Portland Barista Axis of Concert Evil Has Been Identified WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the increasingly

King William's Corporate Wellness Monarchy: The Crown Gets a Performance Review By Prince William's standards, the plan sounds revolutionary. By normal human standards, it sounds suspiciously like a middle manager from

TIME Magazine Accidentally Publishes 4,000th Article Called "The Truth About Trump" While Trump Continues Existing Anyway Five Observations About America's Newest Medical Specialty: "Diagnosing Trump From a Sofa" Jeffrey Sonnenfeld has now

Politicians Welcome Baumol’s Disease, First Medical Condition Capable of Explaining Every Broken Campaign Promise Washington diagnoses angry taxpayers with an economic disorder, prescribes higher taxes and schedules another consultation after the

Alaska Senate Primary Forces Dan Sullivan to Defeat Dan Sullivan Before Dan Sullivan Can Win Incumbent senator discovers that name recognition becomes less useful when somebody else recognises the same name ANCHORAGE,

Flock Safety Solves Police Surveillance Problem by Asking Police to Police Their Police Surveillance Company introduces revolutionary safeguard requiring officers to invent a case number before searching everybody’s movements ATLANTA, GEORGIA —

Rare Books Fed Into Amazon Scanner, Re-Emerge as Chatbot Confident Shakespeare Wrote Harry Potter Amazon Destroys Rare Books to Train AI, Finally Makes Artificial Intelligence as Well-Read as a Wood Chipper By