Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

The Internet's Most Serious Men Finally Build a Treehouse Nobody Else Is Allowed In There's something impressive about a group of people who looked at the entire modern world and said,

U.S. Discovers Latin America Exists After China Already Built the Parking Lot Five Observations from the Newly Awakened Hemisphere America apparently treated Latin America like that gym membership you keep meaning to

King Charles Goes to Washington, America Receives Emergency Shipment of Manners King Charles III arrived in Washington carrying the most dangerous weapon in British diplomatic history: a pause before speaking. In

Microlooting: America's First Crime That Comes With a Wellness Plan The country has finally reached the point where stealing feels like it should come with a tote bag, a podcast, and

Meta Solves Its AI Ethics Problem the Old-Fashioned Way: Fire the Ethics There's a special kind of corporate elegance in building a machine so advanced it can replace humans — and

Scientists Confirm Americans Are Having a Great Time and Feeling Empty Inside — Simultaneously Groundbreaking Study Discovers "Feeling Good" and "Feeling Satisfied" Are Two Different Things, Which Explains a Lot WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Case for Civility: America Cannot Keep Treating Politics Like a Bar Fight By Bohiney Magazine Staff There was a time when Americans argued politics across the dinner table. Uncle Larry said

AI Agents Get Debit Cards, Immediately Start Acting Like Middle Management The future arrived this week, kicked down the door, grabbed a company credit card, and ordered 19 ping-pong balls "for

Please Stop Trying to Kill the Man You Hate: A Modest Case for Civility The Ear Heard 'Round the World On July 13, 2024, a bullet grazed Donald Trump's right ear in

Hollywood Freezes, But the Drama Stays Room Temperature: Harry & Meghan's Very Polite Frostbite Five Observations Before the Ice Machine Kicks In Hollywood only "freezes people out" after first offering them

America Declared Officially Ungovernable, Blames Shortage of Adults and Surplus of People Who Tweet for a Living 🇺🇸 Somewhere between the third government shutdown threat of the fiscal year and the

Man Eats Salad During White House Correspondents' Dinner Shooting, Declared America's Most Composed Human Since Refrigerators Five Observations Before We Panic (Or Pass the Dressing) Nothing says "Washington elite" like gunfire breaking

The Friendly Federal Assassin: How Cole Allen Branded Political Violence Like a HR Onboarding Packet Observations from the Scene He called himself a “friendly federal assassin,” which is the first time in

Socialism Will Save Israel? The Pink-Haired Rabbi Says So, But the Iron Dome Begs to Differ Alright… let's set the stage before we sharpen the satirical knives. The actual claim from the

A Modest Case for Civility (Or: Please Stop Trying to Kill the Man You Hate) Target keywords: Trump assassination attempt, left-wing media rhetoric, political violence, civility in politics, Butler Pennsylvania shooting,

In a Desperate Effort to Win the Democratic Nomination, Ro Khanna Darkens His Skin Sacramento awoke Tuesday to the sound of campaign interns sprinting, ring lights collapsing, and three focus groups

Dad Replaced by Chatbot After Losing Argument About Thermostat In a troubling sign for fathers everywhere, a new report describes parents being quietly replaced by AI systems like ChatGPT, Gemini, and

Anthropic Loses Its World-Ending AI to a Discord Server That Guessed the URL Anthropic, the company that has spent two years warning Congress that artificial intelligence might extinguish the human species,

Apple Controls the Tech Sector's Strait of Hormuz, Developers Seen Paddling for Mercy Five quick observations before the alarms sound: Apple can reject your billion-dollar app with the same calm energy

African Proverb Meets Current Events: "Even the Lion Protects Himself Against…" The proverb usually means this: even the strongest creature handles small threats before they become giant headaches. A lion is

Mike Vrabel Addresses Team, Patriots Attempt Revolutionary Strategy of Acting Normal FOXBOROUGH, Mass. — The New England Patriots reportedly gathered this week after coach Mike Vrabel addressed players regarding the Dianna Russini

California Declares ICE Raids Unfair Because They Interrupt Brunch Reservations Five quick observations before the sirens start: California politicians love federal money the way cats love tuna, but hate federal agents

Poisoned Ivies: America Discovers Elite Universities Have Been Majoring in Nonsense The Ivy League now costs so much that students expect not just an education, but a personal moral concierge. Universities claim

DeepSeek V4 Arrives, Global AI Industry Pretends It Was Totally Prepared New Model So Cheap and Efficient It Reportedly Runs on Budget Hardware, Executive Panic, and One Warm Toaster Five observations before

UK Inflation Hits 3.3% as Citizens Begin Financing Eggs Through Klarna The Office for National Statistics confirmed this week that UK inflation climbed to 3.3 per cent in March, driven overwhelmingly

NASA Sends Humans Around Moon to Escape Group Chats on Earth Four astronauts have returned safely from the most distant human journey since Apollo 13 in 1970, completing a ten-day voyage

Apple Announces New CEO, Customers Immediately Ask If the Charger Will Finally Be Included Apple announced Monday that Tim Cook will step down as chief executive on September 1, handing the

World Snooker Championship Begins, Millions Pretend They Understand Strategy The 2026 World Snooker Championship is under way at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, England, where 32 players are competing in a

Earth Day Celebrated by Printing 40,000 "Save Paper" Banners Earth Day 2026 was observed on April 22 with the full range of traditional activities: marches, pledges, corporate social media graphics produced

Markets Rally on Hope, Panic on Facts, Then Close Emotionally Exhausted Global financial markets concluded another week in the condition that has become their default setting in 2026: briefly optimistic, rapidly

BBC Raises TV Licence Fee, British Viewers Demand Refund for Every Episode of Celebrity Bake Off The BBC TV licence fee rose to £180 per year on 1 April 2026, in

Global Leaders Meet in Cyprus to Discuss Fuel Crisis, Accidentally Burn Through Buffet Budget Solving Nothing Expensively Representatives of multiple governments convened this week to discuss the global fuel and energy

Iran Reopens Strait of Hormuz for Seven Minutes, Declares It a Major Diplomatic Breakthrough In a development that oil markets, shipping companies, and seventeen foreign ministries processed with the emotional range