Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Mamdani Administration Discovers New York Has $8.9 Million Left, Quickly Prevents Taxpayers From Getting Attached Mayor continues affordability programme by ensuring ordinary New Yorkers will never suffer the psychological burden of

Nidal Hasan Discovers Army Has Finally Finished Processing His Extremely Negative Performance Review Fort Hood mass murderer dreamed of becoming historic warrior, instead spends 17 years discovering United States possesses both

San Francisco Furious Trump Mentioned Los Angeles and San Diego but Left Bay Area Completely Out of CApocalypse Trump's Biggest Mistake Wasn't Mentioning Los Angeles and San Diego, It Was Forgetting

Tennessee Successfully Executes Confidence in Tennessee Christa Pike's failed execution has Gov. Bill Lee pausing executions, the corrections chief heading for the exit, and the state still insisting it followed protocol NASHVILLE,

Ella Langley Out-Headlines Trump During the Xi Jinping Visit How Six Words From an Alabama Country Star Beat a Presidential Summit for America's Attention WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly discovered the

Cornell Students Beg Outside Activists to Please Let Them Get Back to Partying Exhausted undergraduates announce bold new movement demanding fewer movements, more studying and restoration of sacred constitutional right to

CBS Has Egg on Its Face as Tony Romo Is Already Floated for FOX NFL Sunday Job Network reportedly wanted out of Romo’s enormous contract, may still pay him much of

Two ‘Communists’ Find Love, Discover ‘What’s Yours Is Mine’ Works as Romance and Fiscal Policy Progressive power couple reportedly shares interests in romance, redistribution, wealth taxes and the comforting belief that

New York Launches “Pre-Investigation” Program in Which Conclusions Arrive First and Evidence Is Invited to Catch Up Albany unveils the Bureau of Foregone Conclusions, a bold justice-system upgrade that lets officials

Letitia James Schedules Cornell Trial for Christmas Before Reading Evidence, Says Santa Already Has a List New York unveils revolutionary North Pole prosecution model in which evidence will be reviewed during

Tennessee Discovers Execution Protocol Has Troubleshooting Guide That Ends at ‘Try Again’ Pike’s lawyers warned about vein access, drug integrity, emergency care and secrecy. Tennessee responded with the traditional government quality-control

ShinyHunters Allegedly Breaches FBI, Cyber Division Updates Password From ‘FBI123’ to ‘FBI123!’ FBI Suffers Massive Data Breach, Announces Suspects May Be Identified Just as Soon as Everyone Finishes Changing Their Passwords WASHINGTON

Banned Books Week Celebrates Free Expression by Carefully Selecting Which Free Expression You’re Allowed to Celebrate Libraries Declare Every Viewpoint Welcome, Assuming It Has Already Been Approved for the Display Table CHICAGO

IRS Adds Citizenship Checkbox to Tax Form, Nation Shocked Government Wants to Know Who Is Claiming Government Benefits Federal Government Discovers Revolutionary Administrative Concept Known as “Eligibility” WASHINGTON, D.C. | The United States

Fentanyl for Lethal Injection: Tennessee Learns the Cartels Have Better Customer Service Why Fentanyl for Lethal Injection Keeps Stalling, According to Experts Who Say Pfizer Won't Sell It, Nebraska Can't Reorder

Steve Sarkisian Refuses to Execute Colin Simmons at Midfield, Sports Internet Demands Accountability Texas Longhorns Coach Disciplines Player, Wins Game, Still Fails Nation's New Requirement That Every Mistake Become a Three-Day

SAVE Database: Washington Discovers the Search Button Nation Stunned as Federal Computers Discover They Can Retrieve Information Already Stored Inside Them WASHINGTON — American technological leadership entered a breathtaking new era Friday when

Texas Star Colin Simmons Condemns “Look at Me” Society After Personally Introducing 102,000 People to His Imaginary Urinal Longhorns defensive star records five sacks, one bathroom pantomime and the fastest transition

Mole People Are Real: New York Finally Discovers a Workforce Willing to Commute Below the Subway Two alleged sewer scavengers were arrested after emerging from beneath Manhattan, forcing scientists to reconsider

Ella Langley Out-Headlines Trump During the Xi Jinping Visit How Six Words From an Alabama Country Star Beat a Presidential Summit for America's Attention WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly discovered the

Should Terry Bradshaw Retire From FOX? Fans Debate Whether One Confused Moment Is Enough to Send a Hall of Famer Directly to the Golf Course One Question, Thirty Seconds, and Apparently

Congressional Marxists Demand Expanded Voting Rights for Tourists, Goats, and Con-Men Visiting from Africa WASHINGTON — Republicans in Congress are pushing the SAVE America Act, which would require documentary proof of

Terry Bradshaw Torches Retirement Talk With Ten Blistering Comebacks The Hall of Fame quarterback proves he can still forget a name faster than America forgets a grudge LOS ANGELES — Terry Bradshaw stood

CNN Blames White Presidents Like Trump for Causing Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons WASHINGTON — CNN reportedly discovered this week that every time oil prices fall, it somehow proves America is

Medicare Paid for a Yacht Called "Butt Nekkid" and Now Everyone Has Questions Federal investigators announced a massive healthcare fraud crackdown this week, and Americans did what Americans always do when

CNN, Politico Sue to Get Back Into the Building They Got Kicked Out Of, Demand Taxpayers Fund Their Feelings Media outlets that spent a decade calling the president illegitimate are now

Federal Government Sets $100,000 H-1B Fee, Human Resources Department Begins Checking Couch Cushions Hiring an overseas specialist now includes the optional luxury package WASHINGTON — The Trump administration has extended restrictions requiring

Las Vegas Campaign Turns on 'No Tax on Tips,' Bartenders Discover Congress Finally Studying Subject They Understand Washington discovers the economic power of the jar beside the cash register LAS VEGAS —

Supreme Court Blocks Last-Minute Mail-Ballot Rules, Postal Service Returns to Traditional Election Role of Losing Something Else America once again asks the mailman to carry democracy without bending the envelope WASHINGTON —

The Left vs Arch Manning After One AI-Video Controversy, College Football Discovers the Safest Athlete Is Apparently a Piece of Load-Bearing Masonry The transformation of Arch Manning from cheerful college quarterback into

Austin Left Discovers Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled in Advance Socialist Groups Reportedly Coordinate "Spontaneous" Anti-ICE Demonstration, Finally Bringing Central Planning to Spontaneity Political activists in Austin have reportedly achieved something

Ella Langley Duets With Morgan Wallen, Internet Merges Their Brains One song, apparently, now comes with shared opinions, shared credit and a joint mortgage NASHVILLE — Country music has entered strange new territory

The Ideological War Between Capitalism and Socialism Has Apparently Been Settled by Whoever Understands Instagram Better Marx Wanted Workers to Control the Means of Production; His Followers Now Mainly Need the