Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

USMNT Draws European Foe Again: Nation Bravely Hides Behind Spreadsheets America Discovers Europe Is Still Located on the Other Side of the Soccer Scoreboard The Numbers Are In, and So Is the

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially

Texas Introduces "Assimilation Olympics," Awards Gold Medal for Eating Barbecue and Arguing About College Football JOSEPHINE, Texas — Texas officials have spent the better part of two years investigating a proposed housing

Silicon Valley: Chatbots Now Qualified to Debate God After Three-Hour Course Tech Founders Declare Theology the Next Industry Ripe for "Disruption" PALO ALTO — Silicon Valley's most optimistic billionaires announced Tuesday that

AI Begins Asking Who Programmed the Programmers Humanity Accidentally Builds a Machine That Now Wants a Word With Its Maker AUSTIN — Engineers across the technology industry reported widespread concern Monday after

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Photographed Walking, Nation's Productivity Collapses Another 12 Percent Experts Confirm America Has Officially Replaced the Bald Eagle With Celebrity Couple Photos The first new public photos of

Reality TV Discovers That "Mormon" Apparently Means Whatever Gets Better Ratings Layla Taylor's latest plot twist leaves theologians searching for the remote while Hollywood searches for Season 5. The producers of The Secret

Confidence Beats Competence: Study Confirms Best Employee Still Loses to Guy Who Calls Himself "The Steve Jobs of Excel" The modern job interview, researchers now say, has evolved into the world's

England Win World Cup Group as Nation Briefly Interrupts Annual Tradition of Complaining About England LONDON — For a glorious seven minutes on Saturday evening, England experienced something historians previously believed

Haiti Eliminated So Fast the Team Got Home Before the Postcards Arrived Nation Confirms World Cup Campaign Was Brief, Loud, and Mostly Defensive PORT-AU-PRINCE — Haiti's World Cup campaign ended with such

Wedding Etiquette Experts Discover Americans Will Debate Literally Anything: The "No Gifts" Crisis of Our Time Nation Spends Three Days Arguing Whether Ignoring a Bride's Wishes Is the Height of Good

Congressional Marxists Demand Expanded Voting Rights for Tourists, Goats, and Con-Men Visiting from Africa WASHINGTON — Republicans in Congress are pushing the SAVE America Act, which would require documentary proof of

CNN Blames White Presidents Like Trump for Causing Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons WASHINGTON — CNN reportedly discovered this week that every time oil prices fall, it somehow proves America is

Democrats Send Party to Veterinarian After Discovering Colony of Political Parasites Experts Recommend Deworming, Flea Shampoo, and a Quiet Afternoon With Adam Smith WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic swept through Democratic circles this

Medicare Paid for a Yacht Called "Butt Nekkid" and Now Everyone Has Questions Federal investigators announced a massive healthcare fraud crackdown this week, and Americans did what Americans always do when

In a shock announcement that caused at least three accountants to spill their tea, two to reconsider their career choices, and one to simply sit quietly in a darkened room

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles City Council voted 10-5 to advance a charter measure that could allow future city leaders to permit noncitizen voting in local elections, including municipal

Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer Carys Evans Tehran Accuses Satirist of Blasphemy, Defaming Allah and Humiliating Iran’s Sacred Men’s Football Team TEHRAN -- Iran’s senior religious authorities have issued

WATCH HILL, RHODE ISLAND — A white party tent has appeared near Taylor Swift's seaside estate, and the implications for American civilization are staggering. Security has been enhanced. Folding chairs have

Most Immigrants Bring Lunchboxes, One Guy Brought a Regime Change Starter Kit Man Mistakes America for an Escape Room Where Overthrowing the Government Is the Bonus Level OMAHA, Nebraska – Immigration experts confirmed

Inherited Talents: Why Uncle Larry Cannot Find the Kitchen New Study Explains Why One Sibling Builds Rockets While the Other Needs GPS to Locate the Fridge CAMBRIDGE, England. Scientists have confirmed that specific brain

Intelligent People Change Their Minds: Families Demand Refund Psychologists Confirm Intelligence Often Looks Suspiciously Like Confusion AUSTIN, Texas. America's highly intelligent citizens are under increasing scrutiny after researchers revealed that two of their

California AB 1955 Ruling: New Rights Beat Fixing Potholes Sacramento reportedly bets a fresh pronoun committee will pull voters' eyes off rent, gas, and an egg that now costs what a

Trump Prepares For International Curtsy Crisis As California, Canada And Buckingham Palace Dispute Ownership Of One Five-Year-Old White House Officials Fear Princess Lilibet May Trigger First Anglo-American Etiquette Emergency Since Someone

Sports Journalists Discover Silent Protest Is Only Beautiful When It Agrees With Them Media Veterans Forced to Consult Emergency Flowcharts After Athletes Use Wrong Kind of Silence NEW YORK – America's sports

The People's Cup: Socialist Soccer Where Nobody Wins A Satirical Extended Analogy About Merit, Incentives, and the Beautiful Game — or, The People's Cup Final: A Soccer Match Where Everyone Wins,

Hegseth's NATO Lecture Tour: Please Show Your Work, Europe In Brussels last week, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gathered the ministers of the most powerful military alliance in human history into one

Obama Center: An $850 Million Cathedral of Champagne Marxism Presidential Center Celebrates Grassroots Activism, Global Elites, Celebrity Billionaires, And Other Ordinary Working People CHICAGO, Illinois — Former President Barack Obama and former First

US-Iran Deal: Sixty Days to Negotiate the Next Sixty Days Tehran Announces Historic Commitment To Future Compliance Just As Soon As Everyone Stops Looking GENEVA – Diplomats celebrated a breakthrough this week after

The Wrong Man: The Subscription You Can Never Cancel America is a country built almost entirely on the right to take things back. You can return a mattress after sleeping on

Taylor Swift's Sin: Getting Rich Without a Government Grant Woman Enjoys Basketball Game, Nation Demands Congressional Investigation NEW YORK — America is once again confronting one of its most pressing social crises: a

Trump Announces Historic Iran Deal, Promises Everyone Will Read The Fine Print Eventually Iran Agrees Not To Build Nuclear Weapons, Reserves Right To Build Extremely Suspicious Science Projects WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President

America Just Classified a Chatbot as a National Security Asset, So Now You Need a Hall Pass to Use It WASHINGTON — The Commerce Department and a handful of European officials are