Bohiney News

Congressional Marxists Vow to Hound Elon Musk Into Poverty Billionaire Asks Whether Congress Accepts Monthly Payments Democrats promise endless investigations until Musk becomes poor. Billionaire offers to share his debts, payroll and

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Canada in Crisis: Bear Rampage Prompts Urgent Plea to Trump for Statehood In an utterly bear‑y Canadian night of terror, Canada’s federal government has reportedly submitted a formal request for U.S. statehood

15 Observations About Trump's "Build Your Own Power Plant" AI Plan ⚡🤖 The Silicon Valley DIY Energy Kit Tech CEOs were reportedly thrilled with the idea of building their own power plants,

White House Denies Chaos: "Everything's Fine, Just the Constitution Screaming in the Corner" Calm Amidst the Screaming In a press briefing described by journalists as "equal parts drama, improv theater, and passive-aggressive

Corporate Communication Experiment Creates Hieroglyphic Chaos The Rise of Hieroglyphics 2.0 In a bold, questionable move, TechNova Inc. announced that all internal communications must now be conducted using emojis only. The initiative,

Guardian Horrified as Trump Does One Progressive Thing Without Asking Permission Editorial Board Enters Existential Crisis Over Cannabis Reclassification The Guardian editorial board reportedly entered a state of existential distress Thursday after

Dispatch from the Frontlines of Human-AI Diplomacy 😄 In a jaw-dropping reversal of every polite dinner party your grandma ever hosted, a team of Penn State researchers sort of discovered that being mean

Trump’s Military Parade to Feature Gold Tanks, MAGA Sousa, and Pyrotechnic Self-Esteem President Trump’s proposed military parade in Washington, D.C., scheduled for June 14, 2025, coincides with his 79th birthday and

Trump’s Mega-Prison Deal: America’s Newest Export Is… Inmates? If you thought flying coach was bad, imagine a one-way ticket to La Mega-Prisión In a groundbreaking geopolitical move that no one saw coming—except

😱 10 Things That Are Objectively Worse Than Cheating Here's a playful take on relationships — a list of 10 small relationship irritants that are even worse than cheating on your

Trump's Nobel Peace Prize Snub: Observations on the Diplomatic Controversy The "Almost" President Gets an "Almost" Prize In a world where participation trophies are handed out for everything from spelling bees to competitive napping,

Fox News Launches New Segment: “Woke or Possessed?” Byline: SpinTaxi’s Spiritual Warfare Correspondent, Broadcasting from a Prayer Tent in Secaucus Fair, Balanced, and Now Featuring Exorcisms In its latest attempt to keep ratings

Death Dinners in Los Angeles: LA's Morbid New Dinner Party Trend (2025) By Savannah Steele, Bohiney.com Los Angeles has finally solved two of life's most stressful problems: where to eat dinner, and

Why Did Senators Oppose Matt Gaetz and Demand He NOT Target Political Adversaries Like Liz Cheney, MSNBC, or Anthony Fauci? Gaetz’s DOJ Promise: No Fauci Arrests, Stormtroopers, or MSNBC Raids—At Least

Wichita Falls Without Falls: City Closes Its Only Claim to Fame By Tinsel Vandergraph – Bohiney.com Wichita Falls, TX — The city of Wichita Falls announced Monday that its man-made waterfall—the one

California Desperately Begs Oil Companies to Stay After Spending Years Telling Them to Leave The Golden State's Most Awkward Relationship Status Update California's relationship with Big Oil has officially entered its "it's

Politicians vs. Cockroaches: A Battle of Uselessness Wins Public's Disgust New Study Shows Politicians Have the Same Approval Rating as Cockroaches, But Less Useful Capitol Steps and Dark Alleys, DC -- In

Brianna Keilar vs. The Internet: When 11% of Humanity Gets Triggered by a Journalist Keilar's Crime? Journalism. The Punishment? An Internet Lynching In the grand tradition of the internet eating its own

Texas Republicans Warn Against Sharia Courts, Discover Texans Already Avoid Jury Duty At All Costs Texas politics occasionally resembles a county fair debate moderated by a malfunctioning leaf blower. Everyone is

Trump's "Kharg Island Plan" Promises Peace, Oil, and a Slightly Rebranded Civilization A Strategy So Bold It Requires Bulldozers, Marines, and a Light Rewrite of History In what aides are calling "the

Fifteen Observations on Live Nation's "Totally Normal" Ticket Empire The Concert Was Great, the Mortgage Application for Tickets Was Even Better People used to buy tickets. Now they apply for them like

School Board Votes to Teach Students Only What They Already Know By Annika Steinmann | Bohiney.com In an educational revolution—or spectacular regression, depending on your philosophical perspective about learning—a progressive local school

Man With World’s Smallest Manhood Says His Dating Life Is Basically a TED Talk on Avoidance In the news that absolutely no one asked for but everyone clicked on anyway, Michael

China’s Internet Censorship Policy The Great Firewall Just Got Facial Recognition: China Introduces Real-Name Posting, and Now Even Cat Memes Require Government Approval By Professor G. Owlings and Jedidiah, Philosophy Major Turned

Recess Banned at Charter School After Kids Use It for Startups At Silicon Grove Charter Academy, recess was once a sacred time for tag, jump rope, and covert Pokémon trading. That

Presidential Carpool Chaos: Biden, Trump, and Klobuchar’s Limo Diplomacy Biden, Trump, and Klobuchar in the same limo? That’s not a carpool, that’s a hostage situation where everyone thinks they’re in charge!

Government Shutdown Declared 'Necessary Nap' by Congress; Says They'll Return After Snack Time By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Bohiney Magazine Washington D.C.—In what experts are calling "a collective timeout for overgrown children,"

Zohran Mamdani: NYC's Next Mayor Reportedly Campaigns With Pigeon Messengers and Mandatory Karaoke New York, NY — In what political strategists are calling "the most unlikely mayoral ascent since a reality

ESPN Introduces New Job Position: "Temporary Permanent Host" Network bravely experiments with hiring seriously flawed humans 📺 Bristol, Connecticut woke up this week to the familiar sound of a corporate HR printer

Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends Sparks Legal, Moral, and Metaphysical Panic “He’s not dating women—he’s dating licensing agreements,” says baffled lawyer In a scandal hotter than a GPU on overdrive, Bohiney

Homeowners Association Bans 'Non-Conformist' Lawn Decorations, Including Gnomes and Free Spirits Suburban Wars Escalate as Board of Directors Declares Whimsy "Aesthetically Unacceptable" In a move that has transformed quiet suburban streets into

Startup Pivots So Many Times It’s Now Selling the Pivot as a Service Opening Scene Investors arrived expecting a product demo. They left with a punch card for future strategic changes. The

Climate Change: Global Warming Says ‘Don’t Sweat It’ as the World Reaches for Sunscreen! Miami, FL — In a world where the weather forecast feels more like a warning than a

Why Senators Flee Washington Like It's a Burning Cruise Ship WASHINGTON—In a rare show of honesty, three former senators—Jeff Flake, Joe Manchin, and Tina Smith—spilled the truth about why they left