Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Americans Who Vowed to Buy Electric Cars Every Time Gas Hits $4 Still Haven't Bought Electric Cars Nation Cycles Through Gas Price Outrage, Righteous EV Research, and Eventual Return to the

Democrats Move South Carolina First, Kamala Harris Immediately Measures Oval Office for Familiar Furniture White Democratic hopefuls discover their presidential ambitions now require winning over Black voters, a skill previously outsourced

Progressives Promise Woke 2.0 Has Learned From Every Mistake of Woke 1.0, Beginning With the Mistake of Saying the Quiet Parts Out Loud New progressive upgrade reportedly keeps the operating system

Trump Considers Steven Cheung for Press Secretary, White House Seeks Spokesman Fluent in English, MAGA and "The President Was Being Sarcastic" Steven Cheung emerges as possible Leavitt replacement, promising reporters the

License Plate Readers Can Now Track Your Phone, Fourth Amendment Quietly Switches to Airplane Mode Police Camera Says It Doesn't Identify People, Merely Knows Their Car, Phone, Friends, Home and Daily

Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from

Are All Marxists Mentally Ill? Researchers Confirm Some Are Merely Tenured New study finds revolutionary politics is not a psychiatric disorder, although reading 900 pages of Das Kapital without being assigned

Accused Charlie Kirk Killer Says He Should Avoid Death Penalty Because Bullet Hit Only Intended Target, Requests Five-Star Marksmanship Discount Tyler Robinson's Lawyers Argue Crowd Was Never in Danger Because Alleged

National Book Award Committee Announces New Category: "Best Novel We're Pretty Sure a Person Wrote" Judges confirm authenticity the same way they confirm everything else: by asking politely and hoping for

AOC Freezes Eggs to Keep Future Options Open, Congress Stunned by Concept of Planning Beyond Next Tuesday Democratic socialist embraces long-term storage, personal savings and future planning, leaving Washington economists unsure

Trump Wants Détente. Xi Wants Taiwan. One of These Men Is Going to Be Disappointed. The World's Two Most Powerful Men Sit Down in Beijing to Discuss Peace, Prosperity, and Exactly

CBS Replaces Tony Romo With J.J. Watt, Claims Moving Van Outside Romo's Office Is Temporary CBS Sports insists the arrival of a moving van outside Tony Romo's old office is purely

Hantavirus Cruise Ship Passengers Demand Refund, Upgrade to Ocean-View Quarantine Cabin MV Hondius Guests Learn the Hard Way That "All-Inclusive" Has Limits The Dutch-flagged luxury cruise ship MV Hondius limped into Tenerife

Spencer Pratt Running for LA Mayor Because Someone Had to Out-Crazy the Status Quo The Hills Villain-Turned-Political-Outsider Is Polling Second, and Los Angeles Has No One to Blame But Itself Spencer Pratt

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would

Zendaya Marries Minuscule Tom Holland, Wedding Guests Asked Not to Accidentally Put Groom in Coat Check Hollywood's most vertically diversified marriage debuts matching wedding bands as scientists confirm Spider-Man remains visible

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Zendaya Marries Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Determines Regular Hotel Might Make Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey celebration requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and

Maryland Spends $85 Million Buying Preakness, Discovers Everyone Else Has Started a New Horse-Racing League State secures historic race, celebrates control of its destiny, then discovers Kentucky and New York have

Ted Cruz Attempts to Give College Sports National Rules, Discovers Senate Has Entered Overtime Republicans Demand Assurance NCAA Will Not Accidentally Receive a Backbone Transplant WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz is

Breaking: President's Hair Achieves Full Weave Status While Left's Hair Achieves Full Emotional Breakdown Status Las Vegas, NV — In a stunning act of personal grooming that has once again broken

Los Angeles Spends Millions Helping Homeless Remain Conveniently Homeless Taxpayers fund beds, meals, staff, outreach and apartments so that municipal leaders can protect vulnerable residents from the destabilizing effects of improvement. Everything

CBS Waited Years to Dump Tony Romo, Then Wisconsin Delivered the Breakup Text Every long relationship has a moment when one side stops pretending, and for CBS Sports and Tony Romo,

Mayor Condemns Synagogue Event, Accidentally Discovers New York Contains Jews New York City's New Mayor Achieves a Historic First: Criticizing a Jewish Immigration Event While Simultaneously Defending the Jews Who Attend

Viagra Discovers It May Fight Cancer, Immediately Demands Promotion From Bedroom Pill to Superhero Little Blue Tablet Takes Second Job in Oncology While American Healthcare Prepares to Charge a Separate Copay

Michigan Democrats Select El-Sayed Michigan Democrats conclude that ordinary socialism leaves too much room for privately operated lemonade stands DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Abdul El-Sayed narrowly wins Michigan's Democratic nomination for the United

Mamdani Begins Restricting Movement in New York by Ordering Amazon to Stop Selling Anything That Moves NEW YORK — In a bold new initiative to make the city safer, faster, and

Martha Stewart Burns Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Artisanal Candles With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary viewers how to prepare a simple family breakfast using fresh flowers, imported cookware

Michigan Democrats Choose Abdul El-Sayed After Deciding Bernie Sanders Was Becoming Suspiciously Moderate Progressive physician wins razor-thin Senate primary after promising Michigan voters universal healthcare, universal childcare and universal access to

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Progressive Compassion Finds Everything Except an Exit Strategy Los Angeles locates funding, consultants, meals, modular rooms and specialized vocabulary, but remains unable to find the door marked "independence." A Very Thorough Search

Los Angeles Homeless Shelter Solves Crisis by Managing It Forever City discovers that ending homelessness would eliminate homelessness administrators, forcing everyone to confront the most serious emergency of all: résumé revision. Success,

Shelter Provides Free Housing, Residents Request Tent Near Drug Market Los Angeles discovers that housing is merely one lifestyle option, while municipal disorder comes with nightlife, retail opportunities and fewer intrusive