Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Director Solves The Odyssey Problems by Ignoring People Who Haven't Seen the Movie Critics Furious Christopher Nolan Refuses to Rewrite Three-Hour Epic Based Entirely on Trailer Comments HOLLYWOOD. Christopher Nolan has reportedly unveiled

10 Talking Points: The Free-Market Case Against Socialized Youth Soccer Broadcast-ready talking points for analysts responding to European "free soccer" arguments in the wake of Alexi Lalas's pay-to-play defense 1. "Free" is

Who Is Going to Pay for All This Free Soccer? America's New Game Plan: Taxpayers FC vs. Reality United The debate over America's youth soccer system erupted again this week after former

Péter Magyar Defeats Viktor Orbán, Proves "Quitting Your Job Dramatically" Is Still the Best Career Move Five Observations From a Country That Just Rage-Quit Its Boss — And Won a Supermajority

AI QA Disaster: CEO Fires QA Team, Accidentally Invents "Everything Is Free Day" Humorous Dispatches From the Scene of a $6 Million Act of God The CEO said the AI would "streamline

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

Former Warren Volunteer Attends Ayatollah's Funeral After Discovering American Freedom Wasn't Oppressive Enough Privileged progressive travels to Iran to praise the sort of government that would arrest privileged progressives BOHINEY NEWS SERVICE

Trump Ranks #1 On Iran's Kill List, Says He'd Rather Be #1 On TikTok Somewhere between a NATO photo op, a six-day funeral, and a plane that apparently changes its mind

White House Confirms Genius Plan To Confuse Iran Was Also Confusing To Everyone Else In a stunning display of strategic clarity, the White House this week revealed that the President's mysterious

DOJ Investigates NFL, Discovers Watching Football Now Requires a Master's Degree in Subscription Management A Nation Divided — Not by Teams, but by Passwords WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling

Platner Asks Whether Losing Counts as Winning If You Complain Loudly Enough Maine Candidate Discovers That If Reality Won't Cooperate, It's Clearly Having a Political Agenda AUGUSTA, Maine. Political analysts confirm that

Local Marxist Determined To Find a Way This Was Trump's Fault, Eventually Succeeds Seattle — Belgium beat the United States 4-1 in the Round of 16 on Monday night, a scoreline

Contractor Explains Gravity Has Become Increasingly Difficult to Work With Developers Insist Buckling Beams Are "Premium Flexibility Features" as Midtown Tower Experiments With Becoming Shorter Midtown Manhattan — Panic briefly interrupted Manhattan's

NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Turkish Capital Hosts World's Most Expensive Guessing Game ANKARA, Turkey — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of

Top 10 Things That Actually Happened at Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party (Allegedly, Probably, Sort Of) Following reports that Travis Kelce's bachelor party was suspiciously well-behaved, our crack team of unreliable investigative

Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party Declared National Emergency After Nobody Wakes Up Married to a Pirate Dave Chappelle reportedly confessed he had never witnessed such an astonishing bachelor party. Not because it

"Y'all Street" Officially Open: Wall Street Bankers Spotted Buying Cowboy Boots "For the Culture" The Texas Stock Exchange rang in its first day of trading this week — or rather, didn't

Media Declares Taylor Swift Wedding the Most Important Event Since Oxygen Was Invented The biggest punchline is not the wedding. It's the coverage. For one weekend, entertainment media collectively decided that two

Taylor Swift's Wedding Left Guests Wondering Why They Were Invited — Source By now you've heard the reports: celebrity outlets describe a wedding so exclusive that even the guests seemed a little confused

Rain Delay Declared Greatest MARXIST Victory EVER! WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats reportedly spent several glorious minutes celebrating what party strategists described as "the greatest REJECTION of Donald Trump since the mute button

Worst Wedding EVER!!! Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Turn Madison Square Garden Into a Tacky $20 Million Fever Dream New York City briefly lost power to several city blocks on Thursday

Top 10 "Tacky" Things That Definitely Happened at Khamenei's Funeral Blasphemy inspired by recent news coverage. This is farcical comedy, not a Quran-based account. When a State Funeral Turns Into a Circus

World Cup "Inarguably" the Worst Ever? A Rebuttal to FIFA's Most Commercial Tournament Yet The 2026 FIFA World Cup has been hailed by some commentators as the greatest tournament ever staged.

Peace Talks Postponed: State Department Discovers Nuclear Diplomacy Has Bereavement Leave Too WASHINGTON — Somewhere inside Foggy Bottom this week, a calendar invite went out that read, roughly translated from Diplomatic into

Welcome to the Gerontocracy: 12 Signs America Is Being Run by Whoever Can Still Read the Teleprompter Without Bifocals Nina Totenberg is 81. Chuck Grassley is 91. The last two presidents

FIFA Suspends Balogun for Recklessly Attempting to Play Football VAR Announces Soccer Too Exciting, Immediately Removes Best Player SANTA CLARA, CA — FIFA officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. striker Folarin Balogun has

Senator Discovers Campaign Expenses Are Much Easier to Explain Before Someone Starts Asking Questions Arizona Lawmaker Allegedly Learns That "Official Business" Is the Most Flexible Phrase in Washington WASHINGTON, D.C. — Political scientists

Zohran Mamdani Explains Israel Again: City Requests a Refund New York City has weathered blackouts, transit strikes, and a rat that briefly ran for city council. But nothing has tested the

USMNT Draws European Foe Again: Nation Bravely Hides Behind Spreadsheets America Discovers Europe Is Still Located on the Other Side of the Soccer Scoreboard The Numbers Are In, and So Is the

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially

Texas Introduces "Assimilation Olympics," Awards Gold Medal for Eating Barbecue and Arguing About College Football JOSEPHINE, Texas — Texas officials have spent the better part of two years investigating a proposed housing

Silicon Valley: Chatbots Now Qualified to Debate God After Three-Hour Course Tech Founders Declare Theology the Next Industry Ripe for "Disruption" PALO ALTO — Silicon Valley's most optimistic billionaires announced Tuesday that

AI Begins Asking Who Programmed the Programmers Humanity Accidentally Builds a Machine That Now Wants a Word With Its Maker AUSTIN — Engineers across the technology industry reported widespread concern Monday after