Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Google Unveils Machine That Converts Electricity Directly Into Debt, Skips the Intelligence Part Entirely Silicon Valley's newest breakthrough turns natural gas, computer chips and investor confidence into monthly payments that will

Paxton Promises to Protect Texas Dream Immediately After Poll Suggests His Own May Be Slipping Away Attorney general discovers housing, health care and grocery prices after months of investigating opponent's lunch AUSTIN,

CBS Places Tony Romo on Moral Leave After Accountants Discover $72 Million in Remaining Principles Company Finds Enormous Reserve of Untapped Integrity Hidden Inside Broadcasting Contract Tony Romo remains on leave from

Mexico's Population Doubles as Trump Begins America's Largest Return-to-Sender Programme Trump Clears Undocumented Migrants From America, Mexico Requests Emergency Census Extension MEXICO CITY — Mexico's population officially doubled Monday morning after President

Trump Reportedly Plans to Keep Going Until Every American Restaurant Menu Contains at Least One Entrée Costing $47 White House Declares Immigration Crackdown Successful After Neighborhood Taco Requires Financing and Proof

CBS Discovers Drunk Driving Is Wrong Approximately Four Years Before Tony Romo's Contract Expires Executives at CBS Sports announced this week that they have discovered a firm moral position on impaired

Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess

The New Rules of Emotional Safety: Why Your Boyfriend Should Text You Once a Quarter Somewhere between the invention of the smartphone and the invention of the phrase "hold space," the

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend NEW YORK — Negative people have successfully

Tony Romo Could Land Anywhere After CBS Discovers Football Knowledge Costs More Than Corporate Amnesia Network Reportedly Prepared to Defend Its Principles Until Another Broadcaster Offers Romo a Bigger Microphone, Bigger

California GOP Discovers Heath Flora Was a Democrat With Two Girlfriends and a Republican Name Tag Family-values leadership enters its experimental, taxpayer-adjacent phase SACRAMENTO, California — California Assembly Republicans removed Heath Flora

The Complete DSA Cancellation Index: Every Institution, Policy, and Holiday the Socialists Have Already Filed Paperwork On Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution

Mamdani Taxes Empty Luxury Apartments, Accidentally Creates Affordable Housing in Florida New York's latest housing solution encourages wealthy buyers to seek shelter somewhere beyond the reach of City Hall By Isabella Cruz NEW

Hollywood Discovers Temporal Hollowing, Immediately Gives Its Temples Their Own Publicist GLP-1 Weight Loss Creates New Red-Carpet Crisis as Celebrities Discover Even Their Foreheads Are Expected to Maintain Volume LOS ANGELES Hollywood's Latest

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They've Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution node," a

Mia Ventura's Influencer Empire Goes Offline After Ankle Monitor Apparently Does First Los Angeles model accused of turning dating apps into luxury-home reconnaissance network discovers judges rarely smash the "like" button LOS

Texas Sheriff Offers to Test Tony Romo's Jury, Guarantees Every Juror Will Fail Visiting lawman says universal police-academy standards can detect intoxication in anyone possessing knees, opinions or detectable breathing A Texas

Luigi Mangione Supporters Unveil Jury Nullification: The Revolutionary Legal Principle of Ignoring All the Evidence Radical Group Raises $1.5 Million to Explain That Murder Is Wrong Unless the Jury Likes Your

U.S. Discovers Latin America Exists After China Already Built the Parking Lot Five Observations from the Newly Awakened Hemisphere America apparently treated Latin America like that gym membership you keep meaning to

Meta Solves Its AI Ethics Problem the Old-Fashioned Way: Fire the Ethics There's a special kind of corporate elegance in building a machine so advanced it can replace humans — and

Scientists Confirm Americans Are Having a Great Time and Feeling Empty Inside — Simultaneously Groundbreaking Study Discovers "Feeling Good" and "Feeling Satisfied" Are Two Different Things, Which Explains a Lot WASHINGTON, D.C.

Kamala Harris Moves to $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone, Promises Inclusion Will Commute In Equity Advocate Buys Malibu Mansion Where Representation Stops at the Security Gate By Jasmine Carter | Malibu, California MALIBU, California

Supreme Court Orders Government to Find Suspect Before Searching Everybody Reverse warrants reclassified from "innovative policing" to "constitutional fishing with a digital trawler" WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government suffered an unexpected technological

DSA Wants Government to Own Large Corporations After Seeing How Beautifully It Runs the DMV Amazon Delivery Window Expanded to the Next Appropriations Cycle The Democratic Socialists of America support bringing major corporations into

DSA Leader Aces True-or-False Quiz by Answering "Abolish It" to Every Question Television Discovers the Socialist Version of a Cheat Code DSA national co-chair Megan Romer turned a television true-or-false segment into

DSA Unveils Simple Plan to Save America by Abolishing Every Part of America Nation to Be Replaced With Newsletter, Logo, and Strongly Worded Social Media Account The Democratic Socialists of America have unveiled a

DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American

Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders,

America Declared Officially Ungovernable, Blames Shortage of Adults and Surplus of People Who Tweet for a Living 🇺🇸 Somewhere between the third government shutdown threat of the fiscal year and the

James Carville Warns Democrats Their Lenin Book Club Is Losing Black Voters Bohiney.com Political Satire Desk James Carville, the Ragin' Cajun who has spent four decades explaining Democrats to Democrats, stunned a

Trump Roasts Washington Press Corps, Journalists Describe Unauthorized Laughter as an Attack on Marxist Ideology They Refused to Laugh as a Sign of Solidarity WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House Correspondents' Association

Trump Didn't Ask Us... By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out

Apple Controls the Tech Sector's Strait of Hormuz, Developers Seen Paddling for Mercy Five quick observations before the alarms sound: Apple can reject your billion-dollar app with the same calm energy