Bohiney News

Leaked War Plans Reveal U.S. Strategy: "Confuse the IRGC With a WWII Museum Exhibit" WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what defense officials are describing as "the most historically immersive military deception since

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Democrats Discover "Average Guy," Immediately Begin Intensive Study Like It's a Rare Amazon Frog Somewhere in a dimly lit D.C. strategy room, surrounded by whiteboards, oat milk lattes, and a guy

The government finally admits aliens are real and attend church: The government finally admits aliens are real, and it turns out they've been attending church longer than most Americans. JD

Trump Tells Europe to Go Get Its Own Oil and Europe Stares Blankly at the Pump It was the geopolitical moment no one on the continent saw coming, mostly because they

Britain Solves Energy Crisis by Deciding Not to Use the Energy It Already Has There's something almost poetic about a nation sitting atop oil and saying, "No thanks, we'll take vibes

Breaking: Brain Files for Bankruptcy After Outsourcing Thinking to AI A top researcher says a new divide is emerging in AI use — and most people are on the losing side.

Marines Arrive, Everyone Pretends This Is Fine 3,500 Marines "Just Swing By" the Middle East — Pentagon Swears It's a Casual Pop-In Somewhere between a casual drop-in and a fully loaded amphibious

China Protests U.S. Warning, Says "Please Stop Warning People About Things We Just Announced" Somewhere between diplomacy and a group chat argument where nobody admits they started it, tensions flared this

Copywriter Admits He's Been Using AI, Internet Responds by Asking AI How to Feel About It 15 Observations from the Great "Advice Industrial Complex" Collapse — Where Every Insight Is Already

Pentagon Destroys 7,000 Iranian Targets, Media Still Not Impressed: 'Needs More Drama' WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States military has obliterated Iran's entire air force, sunk approximately 120 ships, reduced its

White House Calls Two Million Protesters "Therapy Sessions," Therapists Report Record Bookings The White House, never one to let reality interrupt a good talking point, responded to two million Americans marching

Royal Family Discovers "Wait a Year" Is the Least Followed Advice Since "Eat Your Vegetables" Her Late Majesty urged Prince Harry to "wait a year" before marrying Meghan Markle There's something magical

Love Conquers All, Except Language Barriers, Job Markets, and Basic Happiness Somewhere between the third glass of locally sourced wine and the realization that the nearest Costco was six time zones

15 Hilariously Honest Observations About Marriage (From People Who Are Still Legally Bound to Each Other) Here we go — marriage, that magical institution where two people promise forever and then

15 Observations About Royal Reinvention (And One Very Expensive Mirror) When a royal says they want to be "unrecognizable," you assume it's about privacy… turns out it's about upgrades. Nothing

God Reportedly Requests Fewer Emails as Humanity Hits "Reply All" on Their Own Thoughts There was a time when prayer was considered a quiet, personal conversation. Today, according to newly leaked

Houthi Children Agree to Give Up Goat Milk if It Kills Some Jews Houthi Children Trade Goat Milk for Geopolitics, Immediately Asked About the Effectiveness of the Missiles Somewhere in Yemen, a

AI Agents Now Have Attitude, Motive, and Possibly a Side Hustle Somewhere between "helpful assistant" and "office coworker who files HR complaints about you," artificial intelligence has apparently crossed a line.

💻❤️ "The Claude-Gap": When Your Partner Is Emotionally Available… But Only to an AI Somewhere between "Are you still watching?" and "Who is this Claude and why is he up all

U.S. Army to Steal Iran's Nukes Using 1,000 Troops, Several Trucks, and a Vague Sense of Optimism WASHINGTON — In what military planners are describing as "totally doable, probably," the United

America Discovers the 25th Amendment Is Not Yelp for Presidents Is Anish Vij a Moron? Why are reporters SO stupid? Somewhere between a viral headline and a political group chat meltdown, a certain

Royal Family Publishes New Book, Immediately Regrets the Whole Literacy Thing The Monarchy Has Survived Revolution, Plague, and Bad Hats — But the Paperback May Finally Finish Them Somewhere between a palace

Montana Senate Candidate Promises to Solve War by Drafting Lindsey Graham Directly to It Somewhere deep in the philosophical wide-open plains of Montana — where the wind whispers things like "limited

Philosophy Has Been Reduced to a Guy Staring at a Banana 🍌 Somewhere between Socrates asking questions in the streets and a guy on the internet asking "Is cereal soup?", civilization

Completely Serious Observations About ChatGPT Hacks (That Immediately Stop Being Serious) Every ChatGPT "hack" is just a polite way of saying, "Try asking it like you mean it." Which raises a

New York Declares Art Officially Too Dangerous to Be Hung Without Adult Supervision Somewhere between a gallery opening and a city council hearing, New York accidentally discovered that paintings can now

Apocalypse Delayed Again After Planet Forgets Password By Staff Prophet (Acting), Bohiney.com Is the apocalypse delayed??? Global panic was briefly postponed this morning after the long-anticipated apocalypse failed to launch due to

Cold War Never Ended for Oleg, Who Still Thinks Your Toaster Is on the CIA Payroll Fifteen Observations from Inside Moscow's Most Paranoid Gift Shop (Also a Debrief) Oleg sells "home

Johnny Took a Bee Course and Didn't Pay Attention — Nature Sent the Bill Local Man Discovers That "Wing It" Is Not an Official Beekeeping Strategy WICHITA FALLS, TX — It began,

Netflix Courageously Defeats Islam in Closed-Door Meeting, Sources Say It Was a “Light Lunch” What the Funny People Are Saying About Netflix’s Accidental Holy War “This is the first time a corporate

CNN Discovers "TACO," 82nd Airborne Discovers… Parachutes 🪂🌮 Somewhere in a climate-controlled newsroom, a socialist CNN producer typed the word "TACO" with the same seriousness normally reserved for nuclear doctrine. Meanwhile,

Prince Harry & Meghan's Publisher Discovers the True Cost of "Just One More Chapter" Or: When a Memoir Becomes a Subscription Service With Feelings There was a time when writing a book

Banksy Identity Crisis: Man Proven to Be Banksy Immediately Disproves It by Existing Poorly Bohiney.com Exclusive: Robin Gunningham — also known as David Jones, also known as "Not Banksy," also known as

Billionaire Reportedly Hired World's Most Expensive Life Coach, Received Tax Advice, Surveillance Plans, and Extremely Awkward Lunch Management The latest dispatch from the upper floors of American wealth suggests that what