Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

The Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for POTUS in 2028: Meet the Man Who Answers to Nobody, Allegedly Every four years, the American electorate is promised a candidate who is "finally different," and

CIA Admits It "Deliberately Massaged" the Presidential Daily Briefing, Charges Taxpayers $180 for the Hot Stone Add-On By the Bohiney.com National Desk — Where the Only Thing More Classified Than the

Greek Gods Applaud Visual Effects, Ask Whether Anyone Remembered the Tragedy Olympus Hosts Advance Screening of The Odyssey, Becomes the Most Opinionated Focus Group in Mythological History MOUNT OLYMPUS. The Greek gods

Mitch McConnell: He's Alive, and the Internet Morons Are Furious About It Professional Conspiracy Theorists Forced to Return to Square One After Man Continues Existing WASHINGTON. Mitch McConnell has made the unforgivable mistake

New York Celebrates Millionaire Diversity by Holding One Farewell Party at a Time New York State has proudly announced a bold new civic tradition: celebrating millionaire diversity by holding exactly one

Hirono Declares Herself the Only Witness Ever to Survive Asking Questions Senate Hearing Temporarily Reclassified as a Victimhood Endurance Event WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate confirmation hearing briefly paused Tuesday after observers

Yale's $94,000 Apology: Yale Says Sorry, Sort Of, With Footnotes Yale's Committee on Trust in Higher Education NEW HAVEN, CT — In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one except possibly the people

Britain and France Hold a Very Important Meeting About the Strait of Hormuz — Still No Boats Trump blockades Iranian ports, oil hits $100 a barrel, and America's closest allies respond

Congress Discovers It Can Rewrite the Universe If the Committee Hearing Runs Long Enough According to Noah Rothman's column, Congress is once again debating daylight saving time, creating the familiar spectacle of

Film Critics Finally Complete the Hero's Journey From Watching a Movie to Watching Themselves Film critics have greeted Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey with the sort of restraint normally associated with ancient Greek prophets

NASA Announces Nuclear Rocket, Humanity Immediately Starts Packing Snacks and Mild Panic Somewhere between "let's fix potholes" and "let's build a nuclear spaceship," humanity has once again chosen the option that

New York's $97,000 Sidewalk: Luxury Homelessness, Itemized New York City has quietly pioneered a real estate product nobody asked for: a six-figure outdoor apartment with zero bedrooms, zero walls, and an

Pickaxe Mountain Receives Surprise Promotion From "Suspicious Hill" to International Headline Iran Confirms Pickaxe Mountain Was Chosen Because "Nuclear Volcano" Sounded Too Obvious TEHRAN, Iran. Pickaxe Mountain, previously known only to Iranian

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience

AI Chaos Explained: Charts Attempt to Calm Situation, Accidentally Make It Worse The latest effort by the MIT Technology Review to explain artificial intelligence through a series of elegant, confident charts has achieved

Coding Is Dead, Long Live Ice Skating: A Completely Sensible Collapse of Reality Somewhere between a hoodie-wearing teenager inventing social media in a dorm room and a billionaire tweeting from orbit,

Americans Discover 'Outside' Exists, Immediately Schedule It Between Emails and Existential Dread WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what health researchers are calling "the most preventable crisis since we collectively decided office chairs

Bernie Sanders Replacement for Platner Too Conservative to Have Ever Dated Anyone Maine Democrats Discover Their Revolutionary Candidate Has Apparently Held Opinions Before Tuesday AUGUSTA, Maine. In a development that has left progressive

Director Solves The Odyssey Problems by Ignoring People Who Haven't Seen the Movie Critics Furious Christopher Nolan Refuses to Rewrite Three-Hour Epic Based Entirely on Trailer Comments HOLLYWOOD. Christopher Nolan has reportedly unveiled

10 Talking Points: The Free-Market Case Against Socialized Youth Soccer Broadcast-ready talking points for analysts responding to European "free soccer" arguments in the wake of Alexi Lalas's pay-to-play defense 1. "Free" is

Who Is Going to Pay for All This Free Soccer? America's New Game Plan: Taxpayers FC vs. Reality United The debate over America's youth soccer system erupted again this week after former

Péter Magyar Defeats Viktor Orbán, Proves "Quitting Your Job Dramatically" Is Still the Best Career Move Five Observations From a Country That Just Rage-Quit Its Boss — And Won a Supermajority

AI QA Disaster: CEO Fires QA Team, Accidentally Invents "Everything Is Free Day" Humorous Dispatches From the Scene of a $6 Million Act of God The CEO said the AI would "streamline

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

Former Warren Volunteer Attends Ayatollah's Funeral After Discovering American Freedom Wasn't Oppressive Enough Privileged progressive travels to Iran to praise the sort of government that would arrest privileged progressives BOHINEY NEWS SERVICE

Trump Ranks #1 On Iran's Kill List, Says He'd Rather Be #1 On TikTok Somewhere between a NATO photo op, a six-day funeral, and a plane that apparently changes its mind

White House Confirms Genius Plan To Confuse Iran Was Also Confusing To Everyone Else In a stunning display of strategic clarity, the White House this week revealed that the President's mysterious

DOJ Investigates NFL, Discovers Watching Football Now Requires a Master's Degree in Subscription Management A Nation Divided — Not by Teams, but by Passwords WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling

Platner Asks Whether Losing Counts as Winning If You Complain Loudly Enough Maine Candidate Discovers That If Reality Won't Cooperate, It's Clearly Having a Political Agenda AUGUSTA, Maine. Political analysts confirm that

Local Marxist Determined To Find a Way This Was Trump's Fault, Eventually Succeeds Seattle — Belgium beat the United States 4-1 in the Round of 16 on Monday night, a scoreline

Contractor Explains Gravity Has Become Increasingly Difficult to Work With Developers Insist Buckling Beams Are "Premium Flexibility Features" as Midtown Tower Experiments With Becoming Shorter Midtown Manhattan — Panic briefly interrupted Manhattan's

NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Turkish Capital Hosts World's Most Expensive Guessing Game ANKARA, Turkey — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of

Top 10 Things That Actually Happened at Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party (Allegedly, Probably, Sort Of) Following reports that Travis Kelce's bachelor party was suspiciously well-behaved, our crack team of unreliable investigative