Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

East Bay Marxists: America's Highest Concentration of Morons Per Capita East Bay Marxists: America's Highest Concentration of People Who Have Never Met a Payroll Berkeley, CA — There are places on Earth

Google Red Team Hacks EU Privacy Plan Faster Than Brussels Can Translate The Press Release European Commission Shocked To Learn Its Privacy Plan Had A Privacy-Sized Hole In It Five humorous observations

White House Calls Iran Response "Inappropriate" — Same Word Bridesmaids Use After Open-Bar Fights Trump Peace Memo Only One Page Long Because Nobody Had the Emotional Energy for Page Two Five humorous

Hantavirus Cruise Ship Passengers Demand Refund, Upgrade to Ocean-View Quarantine Cabin MV Hondius Guests Learn the Hard Way That "All-Inclusive" Has Limits The Dutch-flagged luxury cruise ship MV Hondius limped into Tenerife

Trump Calls Iran Strike a "Love Tap," Pentagon Scrambles to Find Greeting Card That Says That Hallmark's New "Congratulations on Your Missile Defense" Line Is Performing Better Than Expected President Donald Trump

Spencer Pratt Running for LA Mayor Because Someone Had to Out-Crazy the Status Quo The Hills Villain-Turned-Political-Outsider Is Polling Second, and Los Angeles Has No One to Blame But Itself Spencer Pratt

20,000 Sailors Stranded at Sea Grateful at Least They're Not Flying Frontier Hormuz Crisis Leaves Global Workforce Adrift; Most Still Prefer It to the Denver Airport More than 20,000 maritime workers from

Man Killed on Denver Runway Was Still Faster Than Baggage Claim Frontier Flight 4345 Reaches Los Angeles Eventually; The Runway Does Not A Frontier Airlines Airbus A321 carrying 224 passengers and seven

Bobby Cox Dies at 84; Atlanta Braves Immediately Announce They Will Find a Way to Blow This Too Hall of Fame Manager Won 2,500 Games, One World Series, and the Eternal

Canvas Learning Platform Hacked, Students Devastated to Learn Their Excuses Were Already in the Database ShinyHunters Steals 275 Million Records Right Before Finals Week, Proving That Criminals Also Know the Academic

ABC Sues FCC for Silencing "The View," Nation Wonders If There's a Counter-Suit Option First Amendment Battle Over Morning Talk Show Produces the Legal Brief No One at Harvard Law Was

Three Influencers Die on Mount Dukono Volcano, Algorithm Still Recommends Their Content Indonesia's Most Continuously Erupting Volcano Has Been Erupting Continuously Since 1933 and Still Did Not Make the Warning Clear

Fed Delays Rate Cuts Again, Promises to Pivot "Right After the Next Meeting, We Swear This Time" Bank of America Now Projects Relief in the Second Half of 2027, Which Is

Trump Declares Ceasefire "Completely Intact" While Both Countries Are Actively Bombing Each Other The White House insisted Thursday night that the ceasefire between the United States and Iran remained "fully operational

ShinyHunters Reportedly Stole Enough Student Debt Information To Become a Branch of the Federal Government The massive cyberattack affecting universities across America reached a disturbing new phase Tuesday after hackers known

College Students Forced to Learn From Actual Books After Canvas Collapse — And Experts Fear They May Never Recover Universities across America entered a state of emotional triage Thursday after a

Patriots Heroically Announce They Will No Longer Accept Relationship Advice From Women Who Can't Name A Single Defensive Scheme FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS — In what historians are already calling "the bravest press release

Mayor Condemns Synagogue Event, Accidentally Discovers New York Contains Jews New York City's New Mayor Achieves a Historic First: Criticizing a Jewish Immigration Event While Simultaneously Defending the Jews Who Attend

Criminals Demand Ethical Standards After AI Starts Writing Better Nigerian Prince Emails Five Signs the Scam Industry Is Having an Existential Crisis Career scammers are reportedly furious AI can now generate

Meta Declares "Death Spiral" a Stunning Success in User Engagement Silicon Valley Celebrates While Platform Slowly Sinks Into Digital Swamp Five Humorous Observations Before We Begin Facebook now feels less like a

Aaron Rodgers' Mystery Marriage Is Going Great, Mostly Because Nobody Can Verify It Five Humorous Observations Before We Begin, Because You've Earned Them Aaron Rodgers announced he was married with the

Nation's Singles Spend $4.2 Billion Translating "K" Text Messages Into False Hope America's Dating Economy Is Now Officially Larger Than Several Midwestern Agricultural Sectors The modern dating economy reached a historic milestone

British Guy With a Pint Just Took Over Local Government and Now Has to Fix the Potholes England's Election Night Looked Like a School Group Project Where Nobody Did the Reading

Cole Allen Demands Special Treatment, Asks Federal Judge to Address the Truly Pressing Issue: Mattress Firmness Armed Suspect Faces Justice System; Justice System Faces Yelp Reviews About Lumbar Support WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Supreme Court Pauses Chaos Just Long Enough for Everyone to Be Confused More Calmly Doctors Now Prescribe Two Aspirin, a Glass of Water, and a Law Degree In what legal scholars are

Project Freedom Lasts 14 Minutes Before White House Discovers Wars Don't Have Pause Buttons Trump Launches Historic Military Operation, Cancels It Before Coffee Gets Cold In what defense analysts are now calling "the

Morons on Parade: The 2026 Met Gala Hits Peak "Fashion Is Art (Please Don't Ask Questions)" Five Quick Observations Before the Glitter Settles Somewhere between "avant-garde" and "did a chandelier explode," fashion

NFL Insider Reportedly Ready To "Take Everyone Down," Which Ironically Sounds Like Actual Football Strategy Patriots Discover Team Culture Harder To Rebuild Than Offensive Line The NFL spent decades convincing America it

World's Richest Man Discovers Even Billionaires Have a 'This Is Too Much Boat' Moment Five Observations From the Dock of Existential Excess At some point, a boat stops being transportation and becomes

Public Art or Public Menace? The Great Spray-Paint Panic That Has Civilization Checking Its Walls Five Quick Observations Before We Grab the Spray Can People fear Banksy like he's a ninja with a stencil

Paris Rolls Out 'Romantic Pickpocketing' Experience for Tourists PARIS — In a move officials are calling "culturally immersive theft," the city has unveiled a new tourism initiative designed to blend petty

French Government Announces New Plan: Discuss Problem Until It Becomes Elegant PARIS — Facing mounting pressure over economic concerns, the French government has unveiled a bold new strategy: turning every crisis

Eiffel Tower Closed After Locals Declare It 'Emotionally Exhausting' PARIS — The Eiffel Tower was briefly closed this week after local residents filed a formal complaint describing the landmark as "too