Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Fixing Los Angeles Can Wait, Party Explains LOS ANGELES, California — Los Angeles has a housing crisis, a homelessness crisis, and a municipal government that can turn repairing a sidewalk into

Mexican Crop Losses Put $18 Toast at Risk AUSTIN, Texas — The discovery of avocado-eating insects in Mexico has raised the possibility of a grave humanitarian emergency in the United States:

Chickens Demand Apology as Economists Quit DETROIT, Michigan — After decades of economic research, Americans finally know why groceries cost so much. It's Israel. Not inflation. Not energy prices. Not government spending. Not

Subscribers Demand Refunds Over Alaska Investigation NEW YORK, N.Y. — The New York Times is facing an editorial emergency after accidentally practicing journalism, leaving progressive subscribers bewildered, betrayed and dangerously close

Politicians Go Quiet, Cattle Exonerated WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's longest-running natural gas leak appears to have ended with election season, as millions of voters cast their ballots and politicians temporarily lost

Gossip Industry Reels as Couple Refuses to Implode KANSAS CITY, Mo. — America's celebrity-industrial complex faces an unprecedented crisis: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce appear to like being married. Recent reports about

Fifty bots, three hours, one beautifully detailed ration ledger SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Fifty artificial intelligence agents were dropped into Minecraft with one assignment: build a thriving civilization in three hours.

Investors Rebrand the Hole as Sustainable Waste Management SAN FRANCISCO, California — Silicon Valley investors have found a potentially revolutionary business opportunity after Mexican agricultural authorities confirmed that avocado producers destroyed

League Says Patriotism Is Optional, Direct Deposit Mandatory ATLANTA, GEORGIA - The Women's National Basketball Association has introduced a bold new interpretation of American patriotism: the United States is a wonderful

Farmers Asked to Harvest With Good Intentions SACRAMENTO, California (Bohiney.com) — California Governor Gavin Newsom is facing the gravest political crisis of his administration: President Donald Trump has proposed something that

The Winning Play Is a Mailing Address INGLEWOOD, California (Bohiney.com) — The Rams and Chargers have finally found a contest more confusing than sharing SoFi Stadium: figuring out which billionaire should

OpenAI chief says idle RAM belongs in his data centers WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sam Altman has found a problem with the future of artificial intelligence: Americans still own computers, and some

Washington fixes technology by changing two letters WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald Trump has ordered federal agencies to replace "artificial intelligence" with "super intelligence," achieving the fastest promotion in American employment

Silicon Valley's AI Plan Runs Into a Customer Shortage SAN FRANCISCO, California — Silicon Valley's brightest minds have discovered a small flaw in their plan to replace every working American with

Americans Discover $5 Is a Lot of Dough for One Cookie LOS ANGELES, October 24, 2026 - The American dream has finally encountered something it cannot afford: a chocolate chip cookie. According

Federal Officials Demand to Know Which Side He's On WICHITA COUNTY, Texas — Local farmer Wade Pritchard, 54, has become America's happiest man after going six months without watching television news,

Laid-Off Waterloo Workers Invited Back to Tractor Plants WATERLOO, Iowa — John Deere's announcement that more than 275 Waterloo employees will be recalled has created an unexpected complication for corporate human

First Class Gets Diamond Flutes; Steerage Hands Over Phones NEW YORK, N.Y. (Bohiney.com) — The Titanic famously divided passengers into first, second and third class. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's Madison

Washington seeks a machine both essential and unacceptable WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald Trump has determined that imported robotics and industrial machinery present national-security concerns, although his latest action directs negotiations

Washington Orders Study as Deere Recalls 275 Workers WATERLOO, Iowa — John Deere has announced plans to recall more than 275 Waterloo employees and hire more than 400 additional workers, providing

Blame Is the Only Fuel Politicians Make for Free SACRAMENTO, California (Bohiney.com) — At $8.40 a gallon, the immediate economic calculation is considerably simpler than the politics. Farmers need diesel. Trucks need

A-List Gets Diamonds While Others Wait Three Hours NEW YORK, N.Y. (Bohiney.com) — Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have apparently reinvented the wedding invitation as a credit score for friendship. At

Mayor defends police, courts billionaires, and wonders why her challenger took the revolution so far LOS ANGELES, California — Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass has made a political discovery after more

Football, Dinner and Zero Explanations Top the List DALLAS, Texas — A growing movement of dangerously normal Americans is demanding recognition of a previously overlooked constitutional liberty: the right to wake

Flowers Out, Press Conferences In FLORIDA, October 24, 2026 - Thomas Markle, 82, recovering from serious medical problems in a Florida care facility, has discovered that growing old in the Markle

Prop 40 Turns a $12 Stadium Beer Into a Second Mortgage SACRAMENTO, California (Bohiney.com) — California has come up with a plan to make billionaires pay more: frighten them into calling

A $20 weekly raise has economists calling meetings. WASHINGTON, October 24, 2026 - The Federal Reserve has identified a potentially catastrophic threat to the American economy: ordinary working people receiving enough

Deere Recalls 275 Waterloo Workers and Plans 400 More Hires WATERLOO, Iowa — John Deere has announced plans to bring back more than 275 laid-off Waterloo employees and hire more than

Billionaires Promise a Future Without Work and Without Paychecks WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's technology billionaires have unveiled a magnificent new economic system in which nobody works, everybody is prosperous and somebody

Hollywood Royalty Lines Up to Meet Someone Famous LOS ANGELES - Hollywood experienced a serious disturbance in its celebrity hierarchy when Taylor Swift attended the Academy Museum Gala, performed four

Chinese Tech Stocks Plunge as Investors Here Insist We're Different BEIJING, China (Bohiney.com) — China's artificial intelligence boom has run into a problem no computer scientist saw coming: mathematics. The STAR 50

Financial ruin eases to mild bankruptcy WASHINGTON, D.C. - American consumer confidence rebounded in October as gasoline prices eased, offering a heartwarming economic development: the nation has progressed from staring anxiously

A $1.4 billion offer puts the square burger in a round hole DUBLIN, OHIO - Wendy's has received an unsolicited proposal from a group led by Trian Fund Management to take