Bohiney News

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Mayor Condemns Synagogue Event, Accidentally Discovers New York Contains Jews New York City's New Mayor Achieves a Historic First: Criticizing a Jewish Immigration Event While Simultaneously Defending the Jews Who Attend

Viagra Discovers It May Fight Cancer, Immediately Demands Promotion From Bedroom Pill to Superhero Little Blue Tablet Takes Second Job in Oncology While American Healthcare Prepares to Charge a Separate Copay

Michigan Democrats Select El-Sayed Michigan Democrats conclude that ordinary socialism leaves too much room for privately operated lemonade stands DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Abdul El-Sayed narrowly wins Michigan's Democratic nomination for the United

Mamdani Begins Restricting Movement in New York by Ordering Amazon to Stop Selling Anything That Moves NEW YORK — In a bold new initiative to make the city safer, faster, and

Martha Stewart Burns Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Artisanal Candles With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary viewers how to prepare a simple family breakfast using fresh flowers, imported cookware

Michigan Democrats Choose Abdul El-Sayed After Deciding Bernie Sanders Was Becoming Suspiciously Moderate Progressive physician wins razor-thin Senate primary after promising Michigan voters universal healthcare, universal childcare and universal access to

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Progressive Compassion Finds Everything Except an Exit Strategy Los Angeles locates funding, consultants, meals, modular rooms and specialized vocabulary, but remains unable to find the door marked "independence." A Very Thorough Search

Los Angeles Homeless Shelter Solves Crisis by Managing It Forever City discovers that ending homelessness would eliminate homelessness administrators, forcing everyone to confront the most serious emergency of all: résumé revision. Success,

Shelter Provides Free Housing, Residents Request Tent Near Drug Market Los Angeles discovers that housing is merely one lifestyle option, while municipal disorder comes with nightlife, retail opportunities and fewer intrusive

Network Shocked by Romo Controversy, Relieved to Learn Outrage May Be Tax-Deductible CBS Insists Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves Seventy-Two-Million-Dollar Spreadsheet Open CBS placed Tony Romo on leave following his arrest on

Network Insists Romo Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves $72 Million Spreadsheet Open CBS Sports wants everyone to understand that its decision to place Tony Romo on indefinite leave has nothing

Los Angeles Now Enjoys Third-World Status After Rats Reintroduce Medieval Disease City celebrates becoming America's rattiest metropolis as typhus cases soar, garbage accumulates and municipal officials refer residents to another department LOS

Mamdani's Supermarket Plan Fails Grok Test After Mayor Forgets Food, Workers and Buildings Cost Money Mark Cuban asks artificial intelligence to examine New York's municipal grocery proposal, prompting the computer to

Troy Aikman Needed by Four NFL Teams in 2026 After League Discovers Quarterbacking Is Now a Group Project Cleveland, Atlanta, Minnesota and Arizona reportedly prepared to offer the Hall of Famer

Michigan Democrats Diagnose Themselves With Socialism, Prescribe Abdul El-Sayed Until November Marxist physician promises Medicare for All as nervous party officials seek emergency coverage for Michigan's Senate seat DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Michigan

Mike Rogers Congratulates El-Sayed, Quietly Orders Champagne Through November LANSING — In a stunning display of bipartisan grace unseen since the invention of the concept of "bipartisan grace," Republican Senate nominee

CBS Suspends Romo Indefinitely, Defines 'Indefinitely' as Until Lawyers Find the Cheapest Exit Network Legal Department Enters Two-Minute Drill With Seventy-Two Million Dollars on the Clock By Isabella Cruz | NEW YORK CBS

Tony Romo Predicts CBS's Next Play: Fake Concern, Salary Relief and J.J. Watt on First Down Tony Romo built an entire broadcasting career on predicting plays before the snap, calling blitzes,

Supreme Court Pauses Chaos Just Long Enough for Everyone to Be Confused More Calmly Doctors Now Prescribe Two Aspirin, a Glass of Water, and a Law Degree In what legal scholars are

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They’ve Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial America’s most ambitious abolition committee has eliminated the Senate, the Electoral College and the traditional workweek,

Google Unveils Machine That Converts Electricity Directly Into Debt, Skips the Intelligence Part Entirely Silicon Valley's newest breakthrough turns natural gas, computer chips and investor confidence into monthly payments that will

Paxton Promises to Protect Texas Dream Immediately After Poll Suggests His Own May Be Slipping Away Attorney general discovers housing, health care and grocery prices after months of investigating opponent's lunch AUSTIN,

CBS Places Tony Romo on Moral Leave After Accountants Discover $72 Million in Remaining Principles Company Finds Enormous Reserve of Untapped Integrity Hidden Inside Broadcasting Contract Tony Romo remains on leave from

Mexico's Population Doubles as Trump Begins America's Largest Return-to-Sender Programme Trump Clears Undocumented Migrants From America, Mexico Requests Emergency Census Extension MEXICO CITY — Mexico's population officially doubled Monday morning after President

Trump Reportedly Plans to Keep Going Until Every American Restaurant Menu Contains at Least One Entrée Costing $47 White House Declares Immigration Crackdown Successful After Neighborhood Taco Requires Financing and Proof

CBS Discovers Drunk Driving Is Wrong Approximately Four Years Before Tony Romo's Contract Expires Executives at CBS Sports announced this week that they have discovered a firm moral position on impaired

Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess

The New Rules of Emotional Safety: Why Your Boyfriend Should Text You Once a Quarter Somewhere between the invention of the smartphone and the invention of the phrase "hold space," the

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend NEW YORK — Negative people have successfully

Tony Romo Could Land Anywhere After CBS Discovers Football Knowledge Costs More Than Corporate Amnesia Network Reportedly Prepared to Defend Its Principles Until Another Broadcaster Offers Romo a Bigger Microphone, Bigger

California GOP Discovers Heath Flora Was a Democrat With Two Girlfriends and a Republican Name Tag Family-values leadership enters its experimental, taxpayer-adjacent phase SACRAMENTO, California — California Assembly Republicans removed Heath Flora

The Complete DSA Cancellation Index: Every Institution, Policy, and Holiday the Socialists Have Already Filed Paperwork On Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution