Progressives Promise Woke 2.0 Has Learned From Every Mistake of Woke 1.0, Beginning With the Mistake of Saying the Quiet Parts Out Loud New progressive upgrade reportedly keeps the operating system

License Plate Readers Can Now Track Your Phone, Fourth Amendment Quietly Switches to Airplane Mode Police Camera Says It Doesn't Identify People, Merely Knows Their Car, Phone, Friends, Home and Daily

Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from

Accused Charlie Kirk Killer Says He Should Avoid Death Penalty Because Bullet Hit Only Intended Target, Requests Five-Star Marksmanship Discount Tyler Robinson's Lawyers Argue Crowd Was Never in Danger Because Alleged

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would

Zendaya Marries Minuscule Tom Holland, Wedding Guests Asked Not to Accidentally Put Groom in Coat Check Hollywood's most vertically diversified marriage debuts matching wedding bands as scientists confirm Spider-Man remains visible

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Zendaya Marries Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Determines Regular Hotel Might Make Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey celebration requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and

Breaking: President's Hair Achieves Full Weave Status While Left's Hair Achieves Full Emotional Breakdown Status Las Vegas, NV — In a stunning act of personal grooming that has once again broken

Martha Stewart Burns Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Artisanal Candles With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary viewers how to prepare a simple family breakfast using fresh flowers, imported cookware

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Progressive Compassion Finds Everything Except an Exit Strategy Los Angeles locates funding, consultants, meals, modular rooms and specialized vocabulary, but remains unable to find the door marked "independence." A Very Thorough Search

Shelter Provides Free Housing, Residents Request Tent Near Drug Market Los Angeles discovers that housing is merely one lifestyle option, while municipal disorder comes with nightlife, retail opportunities and fewer intrusive

Los Angeles Now Enjoys Third-World Status After Rats Reintroduce Medieval Disease City celebrates becoming America's rattiest metropolis as typhus cases soar, garbage accumulates and municipal officials refer residents to another department LOS

Mamdani's Supermarket Plan Fails Grok Test After Mayor Forgets Food, Workers and Buildings Cost Money Mark Cuban asks artificial intelligence to examine New York's municipal grocery proposal, prompting the computer to

Michigan Democrats Diagnose Themselves With Socialism, Prescribe Abdul El-Sayed Until November Marxist physician promises Medicare for All as nervous party officials seek emergency coverage for Michigan's Senate seat DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Michigan

Mike Rogers Congratulates El-Sayed, Quietly Orders Champagne Through November LANSING — In a stunning display of bipartisan grace unseen since the invention of the concept of "bipartisan grace," Republican Senate nominee

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They’ve Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial America’s most ambitious abolition committee has eliminated the Senate, the Electoral College and the traditional workweek,

Google Unveils Machine That Converts Electricity Directly Into Debt, Skips the Intelligence Part Entirely Silicon Valley's newest breakthrough turns natural gas, computer chips and investor confidence into monthly payments that will

Mexico's Population Doubles as Trump Begins America's Largest Return-to-Sender Programme Trump Clears Undocumented Migrants From America, Mexico Requests Emergency Census Extension MEXICO CITY — Mexico's population officially doubled Monday morning after President

Trump Reportedly Plans to Keep Going Until Every American Restaurant Menu Contains at Least One Entrée Costing $47 White House Declares Immigration Crackdown Successful After Neighborhood Taco Requires Financing and Proof

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend NEW YORK — Negative people have successfully

California GOP Discovers Heath Flora Was a Democrat With Two Girlfriends and a Republican Name Tag Family-values leadership enters its experimental, taxpayer-adjacent phase SACRAMENTO, California — California Assembly Republicans removed Heath Flora

Mamdani Taxes Empty Luxury Apartments, Accidentally Creates Affordable Housing in Florida New York's latest housing solution encourages wealthy buyers to seek shelter somewhere beyond the reach of City Hall By Isabella Cruz NEW

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They've Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution node," a

Texas Sheriff Offers to Test Tony Romo's Jury, Guarantees Every Juror Will Fail Visiting lawman says universal police-academy standards can detect intoxication in anyone possessing knees, opinions or detectable breathing A Texas

Luigi Mangione Supporters Unveil Jury Nullification: The Revolutionary Legal Principle of Ignoring All the Evidence Radical Group Raises $1.5 Million to Explain That Murder Is Wrong Unless the Jury Likes Your

Supreme Court Orders Government to Find Suspect Before Searching Everybody Reverse warrants reclassified from "innovative policing" to "constitutional fishing with a digital trawler" WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government suffered an unexpected technological

DSA Wants Government to Own Large Corporations After Seeing How Beautifully It Runs the DMV Amazon Delivery Window Expanded to the Next Appropriations Cycle The Democratic Socialists of America support bringing major corporations into

DSA Leader Aces True-or-False Quiz by Answering "Abolish It" to Every Question Television Discovers the Socialist Version of a Cheat Code DSA national co-chair Megan Romer turned a television true-or-false segment into

DSA Unveils Simple Plan to Save America by Abolishing Every Part of America Nation to Be Replaced With Newsletter, Logo, and Strongly Worded Social Media Account The Democratic Socialists of America have unveiled a

DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American

Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders,