Vance Warns Antichrist May Be Walking Among Us, Washington Checks Whether He Has a Congressional Parking Permit Vice president discusses the end times, Democrats foresee the end of democracy, Republicans foresee

Democrats Fight Trump Ballot Verification Rules, Insist Asking Who Is Eligible to Vote Creates a Dangerous Climate of Knowing Who Is Eligible to Vote Trump administration pushes voter lists, ballot-envelope standards

Cal Softball Lawsuit Turns Playing Time Into Dating Currency, and the Internet Immediately Reaches for the Oldest Joke It Owns A former player alleges innings were handed out based on affection,

The 15 Cultural Misconceptions That Accidentally Made Iranian Intelligence Barron Trump’s Second Protective Detail Tehran’s dossier on the First Son was so comprehensively wrong that every single belief in it sent

Iran Places $10 Million Bounty on Barron Trump: A Comedy of Errors from the Islamic Republic The regime that shot down its own passenger plane and called it “human error” now

Tehran Offers $10 Million for Barron Trump After Discovering America’s Most Classified Technology: Xbox IRGC-linked television claims it penetrated the Secret Service using an unnamed woman, publicly available addresses and the

The 15 Cultural Misconceptions That Accidentally Made Iranian Intelligence Barron Trump’s Second Protective Detail Tehran’s dossier on the First Son was so comprehensively wrong that every single belief in it sent

Iran Declares Victory Over the Secret Service After Successfully Operating Google Maps Tehran’s intelligence breakthrough required one laptop, one intern, one browser and one heroic decision to click “Accept All Cookies” TEHRAN —

Iranian State TV Releases $10 Million Bounty Video on Barron Trump, Immediately Forgets He Has an Xbox Tehran’s crack intelligence operatives track a college student via dormitory brochure and a girl

Iranian Terrorist Misses Chance to Kill Barron Trump After Answering Email About Opportunity to Marry an Eight-Year-Old Tehran’s elite assassination unit reportedly defeated by America’s strongest defensive weapon: an unopened inbox

Politicians Welcome Baumol’s Disease, First Medical Condition Capable of Explaining Every Broken Campaign Promise Washington diagnoses angry taxpayers with an economic disorder, prescribes higher taxes and schedules another consultation after the

Alaska Senate Primary Forces Dan Sullivan to Defeat Dan Sullivan Before Dan Sullivan Can Win Incumbent senator discovers that name recognition becomes less useful when somebody else recognises the same name ANCHORAGE,

Flock Safety Solves Police Surveillance Problem by Asking Police to Police Their Police Surveillance Company introduces revolutionary safeguard requiring officers to invent a case number before searching everybody’s movements ATLANTA, GEORGIA —

Carrier Survives Iran, Exhaustion and Endless Marxist Media Attacks—Then Encounters Moronic Democrats Who Believe Nothing Except Their Own Posts Left-wing media reports seven sailors dead; Navy responds with the dirty journalistic

Researchers Build a Machine to Detect AI in Political Speech, Discover Politicians Got There First The detector was engineered to flag artificial intelligence. It was not engineered to survive an actual

Progressives Promise Woke 2.0 Has Learned From Every Mistake of Woke 1.0, Beginning With the Mistake of Saying the Quiet Parts Out Loud New progressive upgrade reportedly keeps the operating system

License Plate Readers Can Now Track Your Phone, Fourth Amendment Quietly Switches to Airplane Mode Police Camera Says It Doesn't Identify People, Merely Knows Their Car, Phone, Friends, Home and Daily

Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from

Accused Charlie Kirk Killer Says He Should Avoid Death Penalty Because Bullet Hit Only Intended Target, Requests Five-Star Marksmanship Discount Tyler Robinson's Lawyers Argue Crowd Was Never in Danger Because Alleged

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would

Zendaya Marries Minuscule Tom Holland, Wedding Guests Asked Not to Accidentally Put Groom in Coat Check Hollywood's most vertically diversified marriage debuts matching wedding bands as scientists confirm Spider-Man remains visible

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Zendaya Marries Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Determines Regular Hotel Might Make Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey celebration requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and

Breaking: President's Hair Achieves Full Weave Status While Left's Hair Achieves Full Emotional Breakdown Status Las Vegas, NV — In a stunning act of personal grooming that has once again broken

Martha Stewart Burns Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Artisanal Candles With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary viewers how to prepare a simple family breakfast using fresh flowers, imported cookware

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Progressive Compassion Finds Everything Except an Exit Strategy Los Angeles locates funding, consultants, meals, modular rooms and specialized vocabulary, but remains unable to find the door marked "independence." A Very Thorough Search

Shelter Provides Free Housing, Residents Request Tent Near Drug Market Los Angeles discovers that housing is merely one lifestyle option, while municipal disorder comes with nightlife, retail opportunities and fewer intrusive

Los Angeles Now Enjoys Third-World Status After Rats Reintroduce Medieval Disease City celebrates becoming America's rattiest metropolis as typhus cases soar, garbage accumulates and municipal officials refer residents to another department LOS

Mamdani's Supermarket Plan Fails Grok Test After Mayor Forgets Food, Workers and Buildings Cost Money Mark Cuban asks artificial intelligence to examine New York's municipal grocery proposal, prompting the computer to

Michigan Democrats Diagnose Themselves With Socialism, Prescribe Abdul El-Sayed Until November Marxist physician promises Medicare for All as nervous party officials seek emergency coverage for Michigan's Senate seat DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Michigan

Mike Rogers Congratulates El-Sayed, Quietly Orders Champagne Through November LANSING — In a stunning display of bipartisan grace unseen since the invention of the concept of "bipartisan grace," Republican Senate nominee

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They’ve Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial America’s most ambitious abolition committee has eliminated the Senate, the Electoral College and the traditional workweek,