Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Michigan Democrats Select El-Sayed Michigan Democrats conclude that ordinary socialism leaves too much room for privately operated lemonade stands DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Abdul El-Sayed narrowly wins Michigan's Democratic nomination for the United

Michigan Democrats Choose Abdul El-Sayed After Deciding Bernie Sanders Was Becoming Suspiciously Moderate Progressive physician wins razor-thin Senate primary after promising Michigan voters universal healthcare, universal childcare and universal access to

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Los Angeles Now Enjoys Third-World Status After Rats Reintroduce Medieval Disease City celebrates becoming America's rattiest metropolis as typhus cases soar, garbage accumulates and municipal officials refer residents to another department LOS

Google Unveils Machine That Converts Electricity Directly Into Debt, Skips the Intelligence Part Entirely Silicon Valley's newest breakthrough turns natural gas, computer chips and investor confidence into monthly payments that will

New York Celebrates Millionaire Diversity by Holding One Farewell Party at a Time New York State has proudly announced a bold new civic tradition: celebrating millionaire diversity by holding exactly one

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

Contractor Explains Gravity Has Become Increasingly Difficult to Work With Developers Insist Buckling Beams Are "Premium Flexibility Features" as Midtown Tower Experiments With Becoming Shorter Midtown Manhattan — Panic briefly interrupted Manhattan's

In a shock announcement that caused at least three accountants to spill their tea, two to reconsider their career choices, and one to simply sit quietly in a darkened room

The People's Cup: Socialist Soccer Where Nobody Wins A Satirical Extended Analogy About Merit, Incentives, and the Beautiful Game — or, The People's Cup Final: A Soccer Match Where Everyone Wins,

Airlines Have Successfully Sold Americans the Same Seat Four Times With Different Names and Prices Nation's Air Carriers Complete Transformation of Economy Class Into a Product Differentiation Experiment in Which Every

Tipping Has Expanded to Include Every Transaction Except Breathing, and Someone Is Working on That Nation's Gratuity Economy Reaches Checkout Screens Turned Toward Customers at Coffee Kiosks, Self-Serve Yogurt Bars, and

TSA PreCheck Exists Because Regular Airport Security Has Become Ritually Humiliating Enough to Pay to Escape Nation's Air Travelers Discover That Paying $85 to Skip the Line They Created by Having

America's HOAs Have Become Shadow Governments With Better Enforcement Records Than Most Countries Nation's Homeowners Discover They Don't Own Their Homes So Much as Rent Them From a Volunteer Committee That

Americans Now Need Recovery Days After the Vacation That Was Supposed to Recover Them From Work Nation Quietly Exhausted by Leisure Itself as Tourists Return Sunburned, Financially Damaged, and in Need

Americans Begin Treating Costco Parking Lots Like Post-Apocalyptic Resource Wars Nation's Largest Retail Parking Lots Reach Mad Max Stage as Shoppers Deploy Tactical Maneuvering for Spaces Visible From the Store Costco

AI Agents Get Debit Cards, Immediately Start Acting Like Middle Management The future arrived this week, kicked down the door, grabbed a company credit card, and ordered 19 ping-pong balls "for

UK Inflation Hits 3.3% as Citizens Begin Financing Eggs Through Klarna The Office for National Statistics confirmed this week that UK inflation climbed to 3.3 per cent in March, driven overwhelmingly

Nation Demands Lower Prices While Buying Giant Trucks and Gourmet Ice Cubes A new poll released this week found that 87 percent of Americans are deeply concerned about the cost of

Gas Prices Surge, Americans Rediscover Ancient Art of Staying Home With gasoline prices climbing past levels not seen since the previous time everybody said they'd never be this high again, Americans

Markets Rise, Fall, Then Ask Therapist If This Is a Safe Space Wall Street had what analysts are calling a "textured" week. The Dow rose sharply on Monday, corrected violently by

Congress Holds Emergency Hearing to Determine Who Leaked Competence Capitol Hill was rocked this week by what insiders are calling the most baffling breach in recent memory: someone, somewhere in the

Oil Hits $100, Nation Begins Romantic Relationship With Walking Again For the first time in years, Americans are rediscovering their legs. Not out of virtue or a sudden interest in cardiovascular

America Wakes Up to Fresh Chaos, Hits Snooze for Ninth Straight Year The American people, presented Wednesday morning with another buffet of fresh disasters, calmly reached over and slapped the snooze

Strait of Hormuz Declared World's Most Passive-Aggressive Waterway Iran Fires on Ships, Global Markets Begin Stress-Eating The Strait of Hormuz, a narrow strip of water roughly the width of Iran's attention span,

Texas Launches London Office, Immediately Sparks Transatlantic Branding Crisis "We Don't Do VAT, We Do BBQ" Meets "Please Stop Saying Y'all in Canary Wharf" LONDON—What began as a straightforward economic development strategy

AI Writes 10 Million Lines of Code, Company Realizes No One Knows What Any of It Does Five humorous observations hovered over the morning stand-up like a fog nobody wanted to

Energy Markets Plunge Into Chaos After Realizing Negotiations Were Mostly Bullshit Global energy markets took a dramatic nosedive this week after investors made a shocking discovery: the 21-hour U.S.-Iran negotiations in

Trump's "Kharg Island Plan" Promises Peace, Oil, and a Slightly Rebranded Civilization A Strategy So Bold It Requires Bulldozers, Marines, and a Light Rewrite of History In what aides are calling "the

"Unspecified Allegations" Against Marxist Labor Icon César Chávez Cancel Celebrations Nationwide — America's Vaguest Scandal Explained Before we begin, let's just admire the phrase "unspecified allegations." It's journalism's version of "something happened, we

Cuba Discovers Renewable Energy Source: Blaming Someone Else 🔦 Observations from the Great Blackout Chronicles Cuba has now achieved 100% renewable darkness, powered entirely by policy decisions and a thermoelectric plant

Cuba Announces New Renewable Energy Plan: "The Moon, Vibes, and Two Working Flashlights" HAVANA — In what officials are calling a "bold return to pre-electric authenticity," Cuba experienced its third nationwide