A 4.2 percent unemployment rate sits on top of the weakest hiring month in a while, four weeks before voters get a say. WASHINGTON - Twenty-nine thousand jobs. That's the month.

The Gulf produced a named storm right as oil, diesel and gasoline were already having a bad week. MIAMI - First hurricane of the year, and it waited until the gas

Federal Government Sets $100,000 H-1B Fee, Human Resources Department Begins Checking Couch Cushions Hiring an overseas specialist now includes the optional luxury package WASHINGTON — The Trump administration has extended restrictions requiring

Las Vegas Campaign Turns on 'No Tax on Tips,' Bartenders Discover Congress Finally Studying Subject They Understand Washington discovers the economic power of the jar beside the cash register LAS VEGAS —

The Ideological War Between Capitalism and Socialism Has Apparently Been Settled by Whoever Understands Instagram Better Marx Wanted Workers to Control the Means of Production; His Followers Now Mainly Need the

Wall Street Watches Trump-Xi Summit, Economists Replace Forecast Models With 'Well, Let's See What Happens' Two presidents meet, several trillion dollars politely pretend not to be nervous NEW YORK — Financial markets

California High-Speed Rail Finally Reaches 220 MPH, Unfortunately Only on Consultant Expense Reports State celebrates historic transportation achievement as paperwork arrives in Sacramento several decades ahead of passengers California's legendary high-speed rail

Anthropic Warns AI Could Control Civilization, China Immediately Asks Where to Download It American AI Safety Campaign Accidentally Becomes DeepSeek's Most Effective Recruiting Brochure The international campaign to convince China that artificial

Democrats Warn $5,000 Trump Checks Could Lead to Slippery Slope Where Taxpayers Begin Asking What Happened to the Rest of Their Money Washington reportedly fears direct payments could expose dangerous connection

Los Angeles Goes From City of Dreams to City Where Dream Is Finding a U-Haul Before Your Neighbor Adam Carolla says Angelenos will now move "anywhere," transforming Bakersfield from a place

Canadian Officials Threaten Motorcycle Shortage, Harley-Davidson Checks Whether Everyone in Ottawa Is Feeling Well Milwaukee engineers briefly pause assembly line to determine whether Canada knows where Wisconsin is Canadian officials have raised

Canada Withholds Whisky From America, Kentucky Declares National Emergency at 4:17 and Happy Hour at 4:18 Bourbon state responds to Canadian alcohol threat with courage, oak barrels and suspiciously rapid emergency

Ottawa Bets U.S. Cannot Survive Without Canadian Cheese, Nine Million American Cows Demand Apology Wisconsin dairy herds call emergency press conference after discovering Ottawa apparently forgot they exist Canadian officials exploring dairy

Nonfunctional Turf: California Puts Lawns on a Performance Review Sacramento decides some grass just isn't pulling its weight California has achieved what generations of civilizations thought impossible. It has developed a government

Financial Times Investigates Texas' Radical 30-Year Experiment of Letting Businesses Make Money, Finds Disturbing Evidence It Works Texas Leads America With 57 Fortune 500 Headquarters as Economists Warn Prosperity May Become

Politicians Welcome Baumol’s Disease, First Medical Condition Capable of Explaining Every Broken Campaign Promise Washington diagnoses angry taxpayers with an economic disorder, prescribes higher taxes and schedules another consultation after the

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Michigan Democrats Select El-Sayed Michigan Democrats conclude that ordinary socialism leaves too much room for privately operated lemonade stands DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Abdul El-Sayed narrowly wins Michigan's Democratic nomination for the United

Michigan Democrats Choose Abdul El-Sayed After Deciding Bernie Sanders Was Becoming Suspiciously Moderate Progressive physician wins razor-thin Senate primary after promising Michigan voters universal healthcare, universal childcare and universal access to

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Los Angeles Now Enjoys Third-World Status After Rats Reintroduce Medieval Disease City celebrates becoming America's rattiest metropolis as typhus cases soar, garbage accumulates and municipal officials refer residents to another department LOS

Google Unveils Machine That Converts Electricity Directly Into Debt, Skips the Intelligence Part Entirely Silicon Valley's newest breakthrough turns natural gas, computer chips and investor confidence into monthly payments that will

New York Celebrates Millionaire Diversity by Holding One Farewell Party at a Time New York State has proudly announced a bold new civic tradition: celebrating millionaire diversity by holding exactly one

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

Contractor Explains Gravity Has Become Increasingly Difficult to Work With Developers Insist Buckling Beams Are "Premium Flexibility Features" as Midtown Tower Experiments With Becoming Shorter Midtown Manhattan — Panic briefly interrupted Manhattan's

In a shock announcement that caused at least three accountants to spill their tea, two to reconsider their career choices, and one to simply sit quietly in a darkened room

The People's Cup: Socialist Soccer Where Nobody Wins A Satirical Extended Analogy About Merit, Incentives, and the Beautiful Game — or, The People's Cup Final: A Soccer Match Where Everyone Wins,

Airlines Have Successfully Sold Americans the Same Seat Four Times With Different Names and Prices Nation's Air Carriers Complete Transformation of Economy Class Into a Product Differentiation Experiment in Which Every

Tipping Has Expanded to Include Every Transaction Except Breathing, and Someone Is Working on That Nation's Gratuity Economy Reaches Checkout Screens Turned Toward Customers at Coffee Kiosks, Self-Serve Yogurt Bars, and

TSA PreCheck Exists Because Regular Airport Security Has Become Ritually Humiliating Enough to Pay to Escape Nation's Air Travelers Discover That Paying $85 to Skip the Line They Created by Having

America's HOAs Have Become Shadow Governments With Better Enforcement Records Than Most Countries Nation's Homeowners Discover They Don't Own Their Homes So Much as Rent Them From a Volunteer Committee That

Americans Now Need Recovery Days After the Vacation That Was Supposed to Recover Them From Work Nation Quietly Exhausted by Leisure Itself as Tourists Return Sunburned, Financially Damaged, and in Need

Americans Begin Treating Costco Parking Lots Like Post-Apocalyptic Resource Wars Nation's Largest Retail Parking Lots Reach Mad Max Stage as Shoppers Deploy Tactical Maneuvering for Spaces Visible From the Store Costco