AI Agents Get Debit Cards, Immediately Start Acting Like Middle Management The future arrived this week, kicked down the door, grabbed a company credit card, and ordered 19 ping-pong balls "for

UK Inflation Hits 3.3% as Citizens Begin Financing Eggs Through Klarna The Office for National Statistics confirmed this week that UK inflation climbed to 3.3 per cent in March, driven overwhelmingly

Nation Demands Lower Prices While Buying Giant Trucks and Gourmet Ice Cubes A new poll released this week found that 87 percent of Americans are deeply concerned about the cost of

Gas Prices Surge, Americans Rediscover Ancient Art of Staying Home With gasoline prices climbing past levels not seen since the previous time everybody said they'd never be this high again, Americans

Markets Rise, Fall, Then Ask Therapist If This Is a Safe Space Wall Street had what analysts are calling a "textured" week. The Dow rose sharply on Monday, corrected violently by

Congress Holds Emergency Hearing to Determine Who Leaked Competence Capitol Hill was rocked this week by what insiders are calling the most baffling breach in recent memory: someone, somewhere in the

Oil Hits $100, Nation Begins Romantic Relationship With Walking Again For the first time in years, Americans are rediscovering their legs. Not out of virtue or a sudden interest in cardiovascular

America Wakes Up to Fresh Chaos, Hits Snooze for Ninth Straight Year The American people, presented Wednesday morning with another buffet of fresh disasters, calmly reached over and slapped the snooze

Strait of Hormuz Declared World's Most Passive-Aggressive Waterway Iran Fires on Ships, Global Markets Begin Stress-Eating The Strait of Hormuz, a narrow strip of water roughly the width of Iran's attention span,

Texas Launches London Office, Immediately Sparks Transatlantic Branding Crisis "We Don't Do VAT, We Do BBQ" Meets "Please Stop Saying Y'all in Canary Wharf" LONDON—What began as a straightforward economic development strategy

AI Writes 10 Million Lines of Code, Company Realizes No One Knows What Any of It Does Five humorous observations hovered over the morning stand-up like a fog nobody wanted to

Energy Markets Plunge Into Chaos After Realizing Negotiations Were Mostly Bullshit Global energy markets took a dramatic nosedive this week after investors made a shocking discovery: the 21-hour U.S.-Iran negotiations in

Trump's "Kharg Island Plan" Promises Peace, Oil, and a Slightly Rebranded Civilization A Strategy So Bold It Requires Bulldozers, Marines, and a Light Rewrite of History In what aides are calling "the

"Unspecified Allegations" Against Marxist Labor Icon César Chávez Cancel Celebrations Nationwide — America's Vaguest Scandal Explained Before we begin, let's just admire the phrase "unspecified allegations." It's journalism's version of "something happened, we

Cuba Discovers Renewable Energy Source: Blaming Someone Else 🔦 Observations from the Great Blackout Chronicles Cuba has now achieved 100% renewable darkness, powered entirely by policy decisions and a thermoelectric plant

Cuba Announces New Renewable Energy Plan: "The Moon, Vibes, and Two Working Flashlights" HAVANA — In what officials are calling a "bold return to pre-electric authenticity," Cuba experienced its third nationwide

Washington Invents the "Millionaires Tax," Immediately Conducts Field Study on How Fast Millionaires Can Leave Washington politicians have finally solved the age-old economic puzzle of how to attract billionaires: by announcing

Oil Tankers, Economists, and One Extremely Nervous Billionaire Explain the Global Energy Panic Five Observations From the Early Stages of the Asia Energy Crisis Energy experts say the first phase of

What is Wrong With Wichita Falls is What is Wrong With America Wichita Falls Discovers Revolutionary Government Program: Pay $200,000 So Artists Can Stand on the Sidewalk In what economists are calling

Sam Altman Suggests We All Just Eat Less So AI Can Have More Juice 🍽️🔋 Diet for the Digital Age: Silicon Valley's Most Efficient Solution Yet Silicon Valley has finally solved climate

🛠️ Rise of the Non-Workers: America's Glorious Losers Are Coming for Your Corporation — and Possibly the White House ☕🤖 In the grand, endlessly entertaining spectacle that is "Humans Versus The

In a stunning display of transatlantic tough love, the United States has informed the European Union that access to America's magnificent market is no longer free, fabulous, or French —

When Inflation Kidnaps the Kidnappers Too How a $6 Million Bitcoin Ransom Accidentally Became a CPI Press Release Before we get into the story, let's warm up the crowd with some clear-eyed

Successful Bankruptcy: Is There Anything Successful About Bankruptcy? Bankruptcy has a publicist. Somewhere between “restructuring” and “fresh start,” there’s a smiling brochure that insists this financial face-plant is actually a yoga

Billie Eilish Arrested for Real Estate Fraud Hours After Grammy Speech About Stolen Land Pop star Billie Eilish was taken into custody Monday morning on charges of real estate fraud and

Kevin Warsh and the Monetary Policy Soap Opera Wall Street thought it was watching interest rates. Turns out it was watching casting news. The moment Kevin Warsh entered the Federal Reserve group chat,

AI Says Save Money and Stop Buying $18 Lattes — America Declares War on Common Sense America woke up enraged this week after an artificial intelligence committed what Fox News is

Mayor Mamdani's "No Shortage of Wealth" Clinic: A Satirical Diagnosis of NYC's Healthcare Strike The Picket Line Performance In a move that surprised absolutely no one except stockbrokers and hedge fund interns

California's Wealth Tax Fiasco: A Big-Tent Comedy of Errors Golden State or Goldfish Bowl? In a plot twist rivaling a tech billionaire sitcom, California policymakers thought it might be a great idea to slap

From the Island That Accidentally Became America's Crystal Ball Britain Warns America While Apologizing for the Inconvenience Britain keeps being described as "a warning," which is awkward because warnings usually involve

New Yorkers Can Finally See Prices Without Surprise Charges; Now Confused by Life Choices For the first time in recorded city history, New Yorkers are reportedly seeing the full price of

Tariffs, Rebates, and the Illusion of Economic Relief America Introduces Revolutionary Economic Strategy: Mail Everyone a Check and Call It a Plan The United States has once again demonstrated its unmatched ability

Patriotism Priced, Painfully Trump Tariff Rebate Checks: America Learns the True Cost of Patriotism (and Paper Cuts) President Trump's latest tariff policies promised to strengthen American manufacturing, protect jobs, and occasionally make