Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as

CIA Admits It "Deliberately Massaged" the Presidential Daily Briefing, Charges Taxpayers $180 for the Hot Stone Add-On By the Bohiney.com National Desk — Where the Only Thing More Classified Than the

Mitch McConnell: He's Alive, and the Internet Morons Are Furious About It Professional Conspiracy Theorists Forced to Return to Square One After Man Continues Existing WASHINGTON. Mitch McConnell has made the unforgivable mistake

Hirono Declares Herself the Only Witness Ever to Survive Asking Questions Senate Hearing Temporarily Reclassified as a Victimhood Endurance Event WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate confirmation hearing briefly paused Tuesday after observers

Film Critics Finally Complete the Hero's Journey From Watching a Movie to Watching Themselves Film critics have greeted Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey with the sort of restraint normally associated with ancient Greek prophets

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience

10 Talking Points: The Free-Market Case Against Socialized Youth Soccer Broadcast-ready talking points for analysts responding to European "free soccer" arguments in the wake of Alexi Lalas's pay-to-play defense 1. "Free" is

Who Is Going to Pay for All This Free Soccer? America's New Game Plan: Taxpayers FC vs. Reality United The debate over America's youth soccer system erupted again this week after former

NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Turkish Capital Hosts World's Most Expensive Guessing Game ANKARA, Turkey — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of

Top 10 Things That Actually Happened at Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party (Allegedly, Probably, Sort Of) Following reports that Travis Kelce's bachelor party was suspiciously well-behaved, our crack team of unreliable investigative

Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party Declared National Emergency After Nobody Wakes Up Married to a Pirate Dave Chappelle reportedly confessed he had never witnessed such an astonishing bachelor party. Not because it

"Y'all Street" Officially Open: Wall Street Bankers Spotted Buying Cowboy Boots "For the Culture" The Texas Stock Exchange rang in its first day of trading this week — or rather, didn't

Media Declares Taylor Swift Wedding the Most Important Event Since Oxygen Was Invented The biggest punchline is not the wedding. It's the coverage. For one weekend, entertainment media collectively decided that two

Taylor Swift's Wedding Left Guests Wondering Why They Were Invited — Source By now you've heard the reports: celebrity outlets describe a wedding so exclusive that even the guests seemed a little confused

Rain Delay Declared Greatest MARXIST Victory EVER! WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats reportedly spent several glorious minutes celebrating what party strategists described as "the greatest REJECTION of Donald Trump since the mute button

Worst Wedding EVER!!! Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Turn Madison Square Garden Into a Tacky $20 Million Fever Dream New York City briefly lost power to several city blocks on Thursday

Top 10 "Tacky" Things That Definitely Happened at Khamenei's Funeral Blasphemy inspired by recent news coverage. This is farcical comedy, not a Quran-based account. When a State Funeral Turns Into a Circus

Peace Talks Postponed: State Department Discovers Nuclear Diplomacy Has Bereavement Leave Too WASHINGTON — Somewhere inside Foggy Bottom this week, a calendar invite went out that read, roughly translated from Diplomatic into

Welcome to the Gerontocracy: 12 Signs America Is Being Run by Whoever Can Still Read the Teleprompter Without Bifocals Nina Totenberg is 81. Chuck Grassley is 91. The last two presidents

FIFA Suspends Balogun for Recklessly Attempting to Play Football VAR Announces Soccer Too Exciting, Immediately Removes Best Player SANTA CLARA, CA — FIFA officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. striker Folarin Balogun has

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially

Texas Introduces "Assimilation Olympics," Awards Gold Medal for Eating Barbecue and Arguing About College Football JOSEPHINE, Texas — Texas officials have spent the better part of two years investigating a proposed housing

AI Begins Asking Who Programmed the Programmers Humanity Accidentally Builds a Machine That Now Wants a Word With Its Maker AUSTIN — Engineers across the technology industry reported widespread concern Monday after

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Photographed Walking, Nation's Productivity Collapses Another 12 Percent Experts Confirm America Has Officially Replaced the Bald Eagle With Celebrity Couple Photos The first new public photos of

Reality TV Discovers That "Mormon" Apparently Means Whatever Gets Better Ratings Layla Taylor's latest plot twist leaves theologians searching for the remote while Hollywood searches for Season 5. The producers of The Secret

Confidence Beats Competence: Study Confirms Best Employee Still Loses to Guy Who Calls Himself "The Steve Jobs of Excel" The modern job interview, researchers now say, has evolved into the world's

England Win World Cup Group as Nation Briefly Interrupts Annual Tradition of Complaining About England LONDON — For a glorious seven minutes on Saturday evening, England experienced something historians previously believed

Haiti Eliminated So Fast the Team Got Home Before the Postcards Arrived Nation Confirms World Cup Campaign Was Brief, Loud, and Mostly Defensive PORT-AU-PRINCE — Haiti's World Cup campaign ended with such

Wedding Etiquette Experts Discover Americans Will Debate Literally Anything: The "No Gifts" Crisis of Our Time Nation Spends Three Days Arguing Whether Ignoring a Bride's Wishes Is the Height of Good

Democrats Send Party to Veterinarian After Discovering Colony of Political Parasites Experts Recommend Deworming, Flea Shampoo, and a Quiet Afternoon With Adam Smith WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic swept through Democratic circles this

In a shock announcement that caused at least three accountants to spill their tea, two to reconsider their career choices, and one to simply sit quietly in a darkened room

Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer Carys Evans Tehran Accuses Satirist of Blasphemy, Defaming Allah and Humiliating Iran’s Sacred Men’s Football Team TEHRAN -- Iran’s senior religious authorities have issued