Subject: Coverage Guidelines — Annunciation Catholic School Shooting
From: Editorial Standards & Narrative Shaping Committee
To: All Reporters, Copy Editors, and Junior Obfuscators
1. Language Discipline
Under no circumstances should reporters use the word “trans” when describing the shooter. It is editorial policy that any reference to gender identity must be:
-
Substituted with softer alternatives such as:
-
“gender-curious individual”
-
“resident with alternative vibes”
-
“citizen of fluid lifestyle”
-
“Minnesotan of complex experience”
-
Reporters may also use “community member” when all else fails. Remember: vague is safe. Specificity kills careers.
2. Motive Management
Journalists should express confusion regarding motive. Acceptable phrases include:
-
“Authorities are searching for answers.”
-
“The motive remains unclear, complex, and layered.”
-
“Friends describe the shooter as ‘misunderstood.’”
-
“Experts suggest parking might have been a factor.”
Do not, under any circumstances, mention the words religion or Catholic school in the same sentence as identity. That combination is considered editorial quicksand.
3. Attribution Protocol
If challenged, remember:
-
Always cite “original reporting” (even if none exists).
-
Blame the Associated Press: “They didn’t say it, so we didn’t say it.”
-
If pressed further, use the magic phrase: “Journalistic consensus.” This shuts down 80% of critics.
4. Euphemism Expansion
We are testing new descriptors in upcoming copy. Please rotate them to avoid lawsuits:
-
“Gun-owning Minnesotan with a story.”
-
“Lived-experience individual with a firearm.”
-
“Community participant in a tragic event.”
If readers are still confused — perfect. Confusion is clarity.
5. Spin Priority
Remember: our role is not to “report.” Our role is to manage public digestion of facts. In this case, our job is to:
-
Avoid anything that makes Democratic allies uncomfortable.
-
Avoid anything that feeds “right-wing narratives.”
-
Avoid anything resembling truth if it might get us yelled at on Twitter.
As one editor put it last night: “Our credibility depends on how well we can bury the obvious.”
6. Closing Notes
Please file stories promptly, preferably before reading police reports. Original investigation is discouraged — it risks introducing facts that contradict the narrative.
And remember our newsroom motto:
“If AP didn’t write it, neither did we.”
Signed,
The Narrative Alignment Desk
Shaping Reality, One Rewrite at a Time
IMAGE GALLERY
