Interesting Things Gavin Newsom Spent Money On That Would NEVER Put Out a Fire

As wildfires continue to ravage California, leaving behind destruction and despair, Governor Gavin Newsom’s budget decisions are raising eyebrows—and not for the right reasons. Instead of allocating the necessary funds for firefighting and fire prevention, Newsom’s office appears to have spent millions on things that, frankly, might be more useful in a utopian reality—where fires are put out with good intentions and a little bit of glitter.

1. A Statewide Avocado Toast Program

Because nothing says “fire safety” like making sure every millennial has access to locally grown, perfectly ripe avocados on toasted sourdough. While the wildfires were raging, Newsom was reportedly approving a $10 million allocation for the “Avocado Toast Initiative.” Critics say that while this program may promote healthy eating, it certainly won’t stop a fire from spreading across the state. Unless, of course, they plan on using avocado pits as fire breaks—but even then, we’re skeptical.

2. $5 Million for ‘The California Dream: Re-imagined’ Aromatherapy Collection

Who needs firetrucks when you can douse your home with the soothing scent of lavender and eucalyptus? The new line of California-inspired essential oils, featuring scents like “Sierra Sunset” and “Pacific Breeze,” has been billed as “therapeutic for the soul.” Sadly, it doesn’t appear to have the same therapeutic qualities when it comes to stopping literal flames. Newsom has reportedly doubled down on this initiative, assuring the public that “relaxation is just as important as safety”—although no one is quite sure how the candles are supposed to stop a wildfire.

3. A State Funded “Fireside Chat” Campaign

In an attempt to calm the anxious nerves of California residents, Newsom approved $3 million for a series of televised “fireside chats” where he plans to talk about everything except fire safety. A combination of soft lighting, personal anecdotes, and promises of a better tomorrow, the fireside chats are, according to the governor’s office, meant to “soothe the public.” While we’re all for a good story, we’re fairly certain this one won’t be able to put out a single flame unless it’s accompanied by a bucket of water.

4. Fireproofing Californians’ Pinterest Boards

While the state’s forests and homes burn, Newsom is championing an initiative to fireproof the state’s most vulnerable asset: its Pinterest boards. Yes, that’s right—$2 million will go toward ensuring that every Californian’s carefully curated DIY boards are safe from the blaze. If only there were a Pinterest board for “How to Stop a Fire”—that would be incredibly useful right now.

5. A Floating Restaurant in the Bay Area to ‘Distract from the Fire’

Instead of pouring money into actual firefighting resources, Newsom approved a $10 million floating restaurant on the San Francisco Bay. The idea is that while fires rage across the state, Californians can enjoy an upscale dining experience while floating away from their troubles. Whether it’s the smell of freshly seared tuna or the fear of your home burning down, you’ll have to decide which one you find more overwhelming. As for the fires, well, at least they’ll look nice from the deck.

6. A Fire-Prevention Fund for Celebrity Homes

Apparently, the solution to preventing fires is ensuring that Hollywood celebrities are living in fireproof mansions. Newsom has allocated millions to provide these mansions with private fire trucks, personal fire safety consultants, and custom-designed sprinkler systems. While we’re all for protecting the rich and famous, it seems the only thing this budget is putting out is a blazing trail of inequality. Surely, everyone’s home deserves that kind of protection, right?

7. California’s New “Fire-Breathing Dragon” Anti-Fire Task Force

When you need to put out a fire, the answer is clear: deploy a fire-breathing dragon! At least, that’s what Newsom thought would make for a great investment. Enter the $15 million “Fire-Breathing Dragon” program, which was designed to intimidate fires into submission using state-funded animatronics and pyrotechnics. Unfortunately, the fires are reportedly unimpressed by the dragon’s performance, as it mostly serves to start more fires with its fiery breath.

8. $8 Million in Social Media Ads to Encourage Fire Safety on TikTok

Why fight the fire when you can post about it on TikTok? Newsom’s office has decided that the best way to combat the spread of wildfires is to spend $8 million on TikTok ads promoting fire safety. While it’s great to educate the public, the question remains: can a viral dance really stop a blaze from engulfing your neighborhood? So far, it seems like TikTok is only offering up dancing influencers instead of firetrucks.

9. A Statewide Sandcastle Competition to “Build Community Spirit”

At a time when wildfires are threatening millions, Newsom thought it would be a great idea to invest in a $4 million sandcastle competition to “foster community spirit.” The idea is that while families are forced to evacuate their homes, they can build sandcastles on the beach as a way to “heal” from the emotional toll. We’re still not sure how this relates to fire safety, but at least there will be some epic sculptures to look at while the firefighters work overtime.

10. Firefighting Robots with “High-Performance” Sensors… But No Water

In another attempt to embrace cutting-edge technology, Newsom approved $12 million for firefighting robots equipped with “high-performance” sensors. The problem? These robots have no way to actually put out a fire—they just look cool as they trundle around, collecting data. Maybe next time, a robot that actually carries water might be a better choice.

In Conclusion:

While Newsom’s investment in avocado toast, aromatherapy, and fire-breathing dragons may have seemed like a good idea at the time, it’s clear that when it comes to putting out fires, sometimes you need a little more than a soothing essential oil. Hopefully, the next budget will allocate resources that actually make a dent in the flames. Until then, Californians can rest assured that their Pinterest boards and sandcastles are safe.

The Wildfire Budget Breakdown: Gavin Newsom’s Latest Plans

Here are 15 humorous observations based on the satire of Gavin Newsom’s budget priorities during the wildfires:

1. When wildfires are ravaging the state, the first thing you need is a good lavender-scented firebreak. Because nothing says “safety” like essential oils and calm vibes.
2. Gavin Newsom’s solution to California’s fire crisis? Avocado toast. Sure, it won’t put out flames, but it’ll definitely fuel your panic attack.
3. Instead of allocating funds for fire trucks, Newsom invested in a $10 million floating restaurant. Nothing says “fighting fire” like a sea-view dining experience, right?
4. If you thought firetrucks were essential for putting out fires, you’ve clearly never heard of “bovine aromatherapy” or “Fire-Breathing Dragon Task Forces.”
5. Newsom’s new “Fire-Breathing Dragon” program is a bold step forward… toward the nearest wildfire. Too bad it’s more about showmanship than actually putting out fires.
6. You’d think that when a state is burning, the first priority would be, well, firefighting equipment—but it turns out a Pinterest board of “DIY Sandcastles” takes precedence.
7. Maybe Newsom’s new TikTok fire safety campaign is effective… if you’re trying to stop fires with viral dance moves instead of water hoses.
8. Firefighting robots are great, but they really need to get one thing straight: robots that look cool don’t actually stop fires. Unless they’re equipped with water cannons… which, spoiler, they’re not.
9. If Gavin Newsom’s next budget includes funding for a “Fire-Breathing Dragon Task Force,” I’m assuming the next thing he’ll approve is a laser beam to “distract the flames.”
10. A $15 million “cow facials” budget would probably do more for fire prevention if cows could grow their own fire-resistant coats. For now, they’re just staying chill with a face mask.
11. Why fight fire with fire when you can fight it with 12,500 pampered cows, a few “udder yoga” sessions, and a thousand Pinterest boards?
12. At least when your house is on fire, you can take solace in the fact that you could be building sandcastles on the beach to distract from the entire catastrophe.
13. Newsom’s “build community spirit with sandcastles” program might work… unless the wind picks up, in which case, goodbye spirit, and goodbye sandcastle.
14. “Moo-chi facials” for cows sound great, but I don’t think it’s going to save us from wildfires unless cows start using that lavender oil as a fire retardant.
15. In California, you can always count on something to rise to the occasion. Unfortunately, that something is the cost of avocado toast, not the flames.

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When Aromatherapy Meets Wildfires

Here are 10 one-liners from comedians based on Gavin Newsom’s budget and the wildfires:

1. “Gavin Newsom’s new fire strategy? Just let the fires burn and offer the flames a free avocado toast to calm down.” – John Mulaney
2. “Newsom says he’s solving the fire problem with fire-breathing dragons. Which is great—if you’re planning to roast marshmallows.” – Bill Burr
3. “So instead of water, Gavin Newsom’s sending in aromatherapy candles and essential oils. I guess we’ll find out if lavender can stop a wildfire.” – Ali Wong
4. “I was really excited about Gavin Newsom’s new ‘Fire-Breathing Dragon’ program, but it turns out the only thing breathing fire is my frustration with these budget choices.” – Trevor Noah
5. “Avocado toast and aromatherapy for cows: Yeah, that’ll totally stop a raging wildfire. I’m sure the flames are terrified of the soothing scent of eucalyptus.” – Jim Gaffigan
6. “Only in California could a fire emergency turn into an opportunity to fund a $10 million floating restaurant. How many courses does it take to stop a wildfire? Asking for a friend.” – Hannah Gadsby
7. “Newsom approved millions for ‘Fire-Breathing Dragon’ robots. I guess we’re hoping they’ll just scare the fires into going away? Sorry, I’m just waiting for a dragon to bring back my savings.” – Sarah Silverman
8. “Newsom’s idea of ‘fire prevention’ is a lot like his idea of ‘budget management’—expensive, unclear, and involving a lot of people who don’t seem to be doing much.” – Patton Oswalt
9. “Newsom’s plan to stop wildfires includes 12,500 pampered cows. Look, if cows could put out fires, I’m pretty sure they’d have been doing it since 2002.” – Tig Notaro
10. “Only in California can you be facing a wildfire and, instead of water trucks, get a fancy candlelit dinner and a yoga class for cows. Someone tell the flames they’re welcome to join in the downward dog.” – Bill Hicks