Iranian Terrorist Misses Chance to Kill Barron Trump After Answering Email About Opportunity to Marry an Eight-Year-Old Tehran’s elite assassination unit reportedly defeated by America’s strongest defensive weapon: an unopened inbox

Pickaxe Mountain Receives Surprise Promotion From "Suspicious Hill" to International Headline Iran Confirms Pickaxe Mountain Was Chosen Because "Nuclear Volcano" Sounded Too Obvious TEHRAN, Iran. Pickaxe Mountain, previously known only to Iranian

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with

America Diagnosed With Electoral Alzheimer's, Demands Do-Over Vote To Remember Why It Held the Last One Poll Suggesting Voters Would Choose Differently Today Sparks Nationwide Run on Memory Care Facilities WASHINGTON --

Trump Reportedly Explains Iran Negotiations Using Simple Real Estate Logic: "You Either Hand Over the Uranium or Things Get Extremely Zillow" President Donald Trump escalated rhetoric against Iran this week by

Americans Spending Thousands on Wellness to Fix Health Problems Caused by Spending Thousands on Wellness Nation's $5.6 Trillion Wellness Industry Sells Solutions to Problems It Creates While Asking If You've Tried

God Bless America, and Now Apparently the Vatican Too: Chicago Guy Lands World's Oldest Management Job A South Sider Walks Into a Conclave... In a move that stunned absolutely no one who's

Blue Origin Successfully Launches Satellite Directly Into Wrong Neighborhood The rocket did reach space, which is apparently enough for some meetings. At many corporations, "wrong orbit" is still considered a can-do

The New York Times Solves Crime by Changing the Subject Mid-Sentence 15 Humorous Observations From the Scene of Narrative Gymnastics The headline read like a yoga pose: impressive flexibility, zero contact

California Highway Patrol Reaches Celebrity Quotas by Arresting Exactly One Britney Spears Five Observations From the Freeway of Fame The California Highway Patrol has a difficult job. They must patrol hundreds

Five Quick Observations Before the Snowplough Hits Publish New York only becomes a quiet, reflective city when it is physically unable to move. Otherwise it is a loud, reflective city

America Watches the BAFTAs and Discovers Britain Has Its Own Problems Every year, America tunes into the BAFTA Film Awards for roughly the same reason it reads the instruction manual after something has

Europe Declares Itself Seriously Concerned After Trump Signals He Needs Greenland "Very, Very Badly" Byline: Astrid Holgersson and General B.S. Slinger 🍵 Prelude: A Geopolitical Charcuterie Board Donald Trump's renewed claim that the U.S. "needs

Miami's Continuous News Cycle Documents Weather Drama, Traffic Weirdness, and the Eternal Mystery of Hovering Helicopters South Florida Live Updates Confirm Something Is Always Happening, Even When Nothing Is Bohiney.com has long

Venezuelan President Confuses Airstrikes With Party Favors as White House Communicates Through Dessert Metaphors Maduro Mistakes US Military Strikes for Surprise Birthday Parade While Trump Tweets "Where's the Cake" Bohiney.com has learned

ICE Demands Dodgers Submit Roster in English, Team Replies in Emoji In a bold stance for multilingual athletic expression, the Los Angeles Dodgers have refused to submit their official 2025 roster

"Make America Crypto Again" MACA: Trump’s $280 Trillion Bitcoin Dream By Satoshi LOLamoto, Financial Satire Correspondent Trump’s $280 Trillion Bitcoin Rescue Plan: Saving the Dollar or Sinking the Ship? By Crypto Caroline, Blockchain Satire

Joy Behar Suffers a "Marxian Stroke" Live on The View, Doctors Confirm Medical Breakthrough or Political Meltdown? 212 Straight TRUMP Wins Cause Joy Behar to Stroke Out! Joy Behar, beloved daytime host and

The Department of Government Efficiency Declares: The Brave New World of Locker Room Inclusivity When Bureaucracy and Enlightenment Collide in a School Near You By Linda Snarkwell, Senior Satire Correspondent Move over Shakespeare,

Everything That Happens in Every Star Trek Episode Ever Where No Plot Has Gone Before, But Always Ends Up Again “Captain Kirk dated more aliens than anyone on Tinder, and he didn’t

U.S. President Donald Trump said he wouldn’t deport Prince Harry, while insulting the prince’s wife, Meghan Markle, in the same breath over the weekend. “I don’t want to do that,” said

Vivica A. Fox and Jimmy Kimmel's 2005 Showdown In 2005, Vivica A. Fox found herself banned from Jimmy Kimmel Live! after an on-air confrontation with the host. The tension arose when

Noise Artist Danny Tantrum’s Onstage Antics Push Boundaries (and Health Codes) Danny Tantrum: A Performance to Digest By Harmony Discord, Avant-Garde Culture Correspondent AUSTIN, TEXAS—Danny Tantrum, the noise artist known for transforming chaotic

9 Terrible Pieces of Advice to Guarantee Your Romantic Downfall This Valentine's Day The Secret to Love? 1. Set Unrealistically High ExpectationsTrue love means everything has to be perfect. The dinner

Canada Ditches Trump, Signs EU Defense Pact – Apologizes While Doing It Filed from Ottawa, Brussels, and a Tim Hortons with passive-aggressive signage By: The World’s Oldest Tenured Professor and a Philosophy

ICE Launches Baseball Division, Mistakes Dodgers for Traveling Team of Tricksters In an unprecedented move, ICE has launched a new internal division: the “Athletic Compliance Enforcement Team,” after what they call

Vietnam’s Decree 147: A Social Media Revolution... in Reverse By Digital Snark Correspondent, Pham LOL Minh HANOI, VIETNAM—In the latest move to bring the Wild West of the internet under government control,

Santorini: The New Hookup Hotspot Santorini Earthquakes Turn Teen Tourism into a Full-Body Experience Santorini, once known for postcard-perfect sunsets and luxurious honeymoons, has become the it destination for thrill-seeking teenagers. But

Dodgers Host Tryouts in Venezuela, ICE Scouts Mistake Game for Immigration Rally A baseball tryout turned diplomatic disaster this week as the Dodgers, now operating remotely from Caracas, held open tryouts

Gen Z Uses AI to Flood Courts with Frivolous Lawsuits Against Trump AI-Powered Legal Shenanigans Leave Courts Scrambling Move over, professional lawyers—Gen Z has entered the legal chat, armed with AI and

When Experience Means Remembering the Moon Landing Live Written in Washington, D.C., by Ivy League-Spin Washington, D.C. — The nation was rocked to its core this week (or at least mildly shaken

Humans Discover Hanging Upside Down Extends Lifespan, Chiropractors Declare Victory The Bat Lifestyle Revolution: Sleeping Like a Vampire for Longevity BOULDER, CO – Scientists, wellness influencers, and some guy named Gary who

Dodgers Offered Asylum in Canada, ICE Declares Team ‘Too Polite to Pursue’ In a diplomatic twist that surprised everyone except Canadians, the government of Canada has extended full asylum to the