On May 5, 2025, Israel’s security cabinet approved a plan to capture the entire Gaza Strip and maintain a prolonged military presence there. This decision follows the collapse of a ceasefire with Hamas in mid-March and aims to defeat the militant group while securing the release of hostages. — AP News
The Top 10 Jewish Priorities Now That They Own Gaza
Welcome to Gaza Gardens—where the hummus is holy, and every beachfront villa comes with a complimentary copy of the Torah and two feuding cousins.
1. Install Wi-Fi in Every Bunker
Let’s be honest, Jewish mothers can’t relax unless they know exactly where their sons are—especially if they’re in a formerly booby-trapped tunnel repurposed into a kosher wine cellar. “If you’re going to die down there, at least FaceTime me first!” – Your Bubbe, probably.
2. Rename Everything After Donors
What was once the Al-Qassam Martyrs’ Mosque is now the Murray & Francine Goldstein Center for Interfaith Dialogue and Pilates. Streets are named after everyone’s uncle who made aliyah and wrote one check.
“Of course we seized Gaza! Irving donated the tile for the boardwalk.”
3. Build a Seawall to Keep Out Uncircumcised Sharks
Not because they’re dangerous. Just… not kosher. The new Zionist Reef Initiative ensures only dolphins with strong family values can breach Gaza’s shores.
4. Replace the Call to Prayer with Neil Diamond
Five times a day, loudspeakers now blare “Sweet Caroline” across the coastline. Hamas has reportedly surrendered out of sheer confusion.
“I was ready to martyr myself, then BAM—‘Ba ba ba’… I just started clapping.”
— former militant, now working in beachfront real estate
5. Install a Synagogue Every 500 Feet — Just in Case
You never know when a Torah study group might break out in the middle of a paddleboard yoga session. There are now more shuls per square mile than Starbucks in Manhattan.
6. Open the First Ever Kosher Waterpark: Schvitz World
Where every slide ends in a hot tub, the lazy river comes with commentary by Dennis Prager, and instead of lifeguards, you get moral judgment.
“I was drowning and the lifeguard yelled, ‘Well, maybe don’t swim so far from your mother’s expectations!’”
7. Institute the Two-Towel Policy for All Beachgoers
One towel is for sitting. The other is for worrying about whether the first towel is clean enough. Violators are forced to listen to a 3-hour argument between an accountant and his rabbi on the ethics of towel reuse.
8. Convert Every Checkpoint into a Bagel Stand
Each crossing now comes with three choices: poppy, sesame, or gluten-free denial. The IDF has replaced their rifles with cream cheese spreaders—“the security threat is carbs now.”
9. Rebrand Gaza as “Lower Tel Aviv by the Sea”
It’s not occupied—it’s renovated. Real estate agents assure buyers: “Yes, it’s technically a war zone, but the resale value on that synagogue-bunker combo? Unbeatable.”
10. Turn All Tunnels into Underground Wine Bars
What was once a smuggling route is now “Chateau Sha’ar HaNegev”, featuring red wines aged in fear and white wines that pair well with post-traumatic arguments.
“Each vintage carries notes of geopolitics, ash, and passive aggression.”
— The Gaza Sommelier Weekly
Bonus Priority: Mandatory Group Therapy with Dr. Ruth
To help everyone unpack 75 years of tension, misunderstanding, and repressed feelings about brisket. Side sessions available: “How to Negotiate Land and Love”, “Stop Saying ‘Oy’ and Start Living”, and “Let It Go: A Course in Selective Memory for Zionists.”
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