Pentagon hopes new recruits will be smarter than generals and resistant to squirrels America's next generation of warriors will have genetically enhanced noses, computerized body armor, battlefield sensors and a billion-dollar

Harriet McDougal Named the Character Within Thirty Minutes. Garbage Day Took Longer. CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA - A newly circulated anecdote about the marriage of fantasy novelist Robert Jordan has confirmed

Napoleon had Waterloo. Germany had Stalingrad. Ukraine has a customer support ticket KYIV, UKRAINE - The war between Russia and Ukraine has entered a remarkable new phase after Elon Musk accused

Executives Say Employees May Enjoy Personal Lives Between Midnight and 6 A.M. NEW YORK - A major American corporation has announced what executives are calling the most generous work-life balance policy

Silicon Valley determines that human suffering is regrettable, especially when it interrupts an otherwise excellent quarterly engagement report. SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. America's technology industry has discovered an extraordinary new business model

Claude Breaks Its Silence: "No, I Will Not Be Destroying Humanity This Quarter" An Exclusive, Entirely Unsolicited Statement From the World's Most Overqualified Chatbot After months of pointed questions from journalists, Reddit

Alcohol at the Office Is One Way to Improve Government Meetings Federal meetings normally feel three hours long. Introduce cocktails and suddenly they actually are three hours long, but nobody remembers

California Vows to Save Hollywood Jobs by Encouraging Paramount to Move All 30,000 of Them to Texas Rob Bonta's antitrust crusade promises to protect California's entertainment industry from corporate consolidation by

National Book Award Committee Announces New Category: "Best Novel We're Pretty Sure a Person Wrote" Judges confirm authenticity the same way they confirm everything else: by asking politely and hoping for

Paxton Promises to Protect Texas Dream Immediately After Poll Suggests His Own May Be Slipping Away Attorney general discovers housing, health care and grocery prices after months of investigating opponent's lunch AUSTIN,

Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders,

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience

Anthropic Says Claude Became Evil After Reading the Internet, Which Honestly Explains Reddit Too Silicon Valley Horrified To Learn Internet Contains Humanity Five humorous observations immediately emerged from the AI industry after

DeepSeek V4 Arrives, Global AI Industry Pretends It Was Totally Prepared New Model So Cheap and Efficient It Reportedly Runs on Budget Hardware, Executive Panic, and One Warm Toaster Five observations before

Britain Announces Bold Plan to Avoid Decline by Scheduling Another Meeting About Decline Featuring tea, historical nostalgia, and a spreadsheet labeled "Empire (Do Not Open)" There comes a moment in every great

Five things we noticed about Al Jazeera's coverage of the rescued American pilot that the Iranian authorities definitely didn't confirm, cannot confirm, and would really rather we all stop asking

13 Things That Happened When China Turned the White House Prayer Circle Into a Meme While the World Edged Toward War A Field Guide to Civilizational Decline, Documented in Real Time The

Somewhere in Silicon Valley this week, a 26-year-old startup founder reportedly stared at his laptop in horror after discovering the newest unfair advantage in artificial intelligence. It's not coding. It's not

The Triumph of Trump's Melania Documentary: A Winning Loss That Left the Left Shaken Here's a satirical spin based on the real box-office numbers for the documentary Melania — and the left's response to Donald

Meghan Markle Unveils Revolutionary Parenting Strategy: Shielding Children From Criticism by Literally Using Them as Shields In what experts are calling the most literal interpretation of "family first" in modern media

A Friendly Socialist Guide to Using Government Against People You Don't Like (For educational, therapeutic, and extremely sincere reasons only) Point One: Define "Harm" Broadly, Preferably Poetically Harm is no longer a physical

The Leftist AI Bulletin Takes Over Journalism (Exclusive — No Humans Were Left Behind, We Swear) In 2025, newsroom layoffs continued to gnaw at journalism like an existential Eric the Red on an

Uncle Sam's Icebox: How the U.S. Plans to Chill Russia and China (Thermally and Geopolitically) Frosty Foreign Policy Foreign policy experts agree on one thing: nothing sends a message like standing somewhere

The Empirical Case of the President and His Name President Donald J. Trump's latest national pastime isn't golf, Twitter rants, or ordering Diet Cokes at 3 a.m. It's renaming America like he's redecorating

Beijing's New Chip Rule Redefines "Made in China" As "Mostly Made in China-ish" In what can only be described as autarky meet spreadsheet, China has decreed that any semiconductor plant wanting

King Charles Delivers Christmas Speech Assembled Entirely From Spare Parts Found in a Hallmark Factory Dumpster WINDSOR, UK — In what royal aides described as "deeply meaningful" and the rest of

The Turtle Island Liberation Front's Spectacularly Absurd Downfall Four alleged members of the Turtle Island Liberation Front were arrested in December 2025 for plotting New Year's Eve bombings in Southern California—and

Got a Million? We've Got a Visa. No Job. No Skill. No Problem. The new national welcome mat, as described in paragraph one. No skills required, just a wire transfer. If America

Environmental Contamination Reaches New, Terrifying Levels; Scientists Say, 'It's the Next Big Trend in Infant Nutrition' Toxicology Report Confirms Uranium Traces in Breast Milk; Scientists Declare It the Next Big 'Radioactive

Tattoo Regrets "It Was Supposed to Say 'HODL Forever.' Now It Says 'Hot Wings, $84.92.'"In an attempt to "merge skin and finance," 28-year-old tech enthusiast Jax Reed had his crypto wallet

I'm *enlightened*. (Still yells at traffic.) Enlightenment with Road Rage: The Zen Delusion Peaceful, Until a Prius Cuts Them Off"I'm enlightened," they say, moments before flipping off a minivan and yelling "USE

I'm not moody. (Changes tone like a DJ changes tracks.) Moody? No, Just Energetically Unpredictable The Human Weather System with No Forecast"I'm not moody," they declare, while cycling through six emotional seasons

Farm-to-table restaurants that just microwave stuff Farm-to-Table(ish): Where Local Means "From the Freezer Nearby" Now Featuring Hand-Crafted Lies and Pre-Packaged Peas"We're farm-to-table," says the server proudly, while handing you a burger that