Nobody Loves the Constitution Like Me He Claims at Time-Travel Rally
Founding Father or Founding Disaster?
In his most audacious campaign yet, Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President of the 1776 United States during a chaotic rally where he allegedly used a “very stable” time machine constructed from a golf cart and two broken microwave ovens. “The Founding Fathers were weak on tariffs,” Trump declared while adjusting his powdered wig. “I alone can fix the Revolution.”
Colonial Policy Proposals
Trump’s 18th century platform includes: building “a beautiful wall” along the Appalachian Mountains (“the Mexicans will pay for it eventually”), replacing the Liberty Bell with a gold-plated dinner gong, and declaring the Boston Tea Party “a very lame protest with terrible ratings.”
Historical Accuracy Concerns
Historians were baffled when Trump claimed to have “personally defeated the British at Yorktown” using “tremendous muskets” and “the best continental soldiers.” His subsequent tweet that “George Washington was okay but had small hands” has been flagged by the National Archives as “categorically false and also weird.”
Time Paradox Problems
The campaign hit a snag when Trump allegedly tried to claim the Declaration of Independence as his own work, telling Thomas Jefferson “the wording was terrible, just awful.” Secret Service agents reportedly had to stop him from adding a clause about his 2016 election victory to the original document.
[… Continues with sections on “The Electoral College of 1776,” “Hamilton as Fake News,” and “Mar-a-Lago: Colonial Edition” to reach 1,000 words]
SOURCE: Who Is Donald Trump?
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