SAN FRANCISCO — Anthropic has reportedly agreed to spend $3.4 billion securing gas-fired generators after discovering that American families are strangely reluctant to lend artificial intelligence the extension cord currently powering their refrigerators.
According to the Financial Times report on Anthropic’s power-generation deal, the AI company took over orders covering 1.7 gigawatts of Caterpillar generating capacity from Texas supplier OnePWR Solutions. The equipment has not all arrived. Neither has the promised utopia.
The transaction represents a remarkable evolution. Silicon Valley once sold software that helped people do things. It now needs an industrial power system so people can ask whether mayonnaise is still good.
Tech Industry Cuts Out Middleman, Accidentally Becomes the Middleman
Company executives have apparently discovered that the electrical grid has other customers, including hospitals, factories and people whose jobs involve making physical objects.
Rather than compete for electricity with such legacy users, the industry is securing generators of its own. Analysts expect the next phase to involve purchasing rivers, declaring counties and issuing a sovereign currency backed by unread terms-of-service agreements.
“A family running two air conditioners is a burden on infrastructure,” explained one highly theoretical Silicon Valley energy adviser. “A warehouse full of machines generating personalized apologies is the infrastructure.”
In one suburban neighborhood, a father opened his latest utility bill and discovered his dishwasher now apparently supports a doctorate in computer science.
“I asked the chatbot why electricity costs so much,” he said. “It told me to unplug my toaster, then asked whether I wanted an 800-word explanation.”
Natural Gas Receives Emergency Promotion to Ethical Energy
Americans have spent years being told that every individual action has a carbon footprint. Apparently, corporate emissions qualify for a different accounting system if the electricity produces confident answers about carbon footprints.
Under a proposed Silicon Valley formula, environmental damage is measured in emissions per paragraph of compassionate guidance. The more the chatbot talks, the more virtuous the smokestack becomes.
The environmental concerns are genuine. Futurism’s coverage of the Anthropic natural gas agreement examines the industry’s growing reliance on fossil-fuel power. The industry’s proposed solution, according to our satire department, is to describe every generator as a climate-awareness machine.
Utility Bills Now Include a Complimentary Sympathy Message
Bohiney’s informal neighborhood consensus was immediate: residents would consider supporting AI data centers if the companies could first explain how a $3.4 billion energy shopping trip improves a $280 household power bill.
One retiree suggested installing a generator at her home, then charging Silicon Valley to use it every time a chatbot advises somebody to save electricity. Economists rejected the scheme because it might allow an ordinary citizen to profit from the AI boom.
Meanwhile, technology executives assure the public that superintelligent systems will eventually solve energy scarcity, climate change and perhaps the mystery of why everyone’s electric bill resembles a mortgage statement.
For now, a resident asking Claude how to survive rising utility costs can expect the most technologically advanced response in human history: “That sounds frustrating. Have you considered turning off the lights?”
Sources: Related Coverage
Read the other editorial perspectives on this story: Farm.FM: Anthropic Spends $3.4 Billion on Natural Gas to Save Humanity With AI and The London Prat: Britain Told to Switch Off Kettles as Anthropic Invests in Gas Generators.
Editorial Disclaimer
This satire is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither has yet persuaded the toaster to invest in natural gas futures.