AOC Dating Market Nationalized, Shortage of Eligible Men Reported Newly single congresswoman bars Republican applicants from the AOC dating market while federal officials investigate an alarming outbreak of ideological compatibility WASHINGTON, D.C.

Financial Times Investigates Texas' Radical 30-Year Experiment of Letting Businesses Make Money, Finds Disturbing Evidence It Works Texas Leads America With 57 Fortune 500 Headquarters as Economists Warn Prosperity May Become

Iran Places $10 Million Bounty on Barron Trump: A Comedy of Errors from the Islamic Republic The regime that shot down its own passenger plane and called it “human error” now

Iranian State TV Releases $10 Million Bounty Video on Barron Trump, Immediately Forgets He Has an Xbox Tehran’s crack intelligence operatives track a college student via dormitory brochure and a girl

Flock Safety Solves Police Surveillance Problem by Asking Police to Police Their Police Surveillance Company introduces revolutionary safeguard requiring officers to invent a case number before searching everybody’s movements ATLANTA, GEORGIA —

Viagra Discovers It May Fight Cancer, Immediately Demands Promotion From Bedroom Pill to Superhero Little Blue Tablet Takes Second Job in Oncology While American Healthcare Prepares to Charge a Separate Copay

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Adult Friendship Crisis: "I've Studied This for 10 Years," Says Expert Whose Last Text Got a Thumbs-Up Emoji and Nothing Else America's leading friendship researchers announced this week that making friends

Americans Continue Pretending Their Side Hustle Is "Passive Income" While Losing Sleep and Eating Gas Station Cashews Nation's Workforce Quietly Running Two and a Half Careers Simultaneously While TikTok Promises Financial

Trump Calls Iran Strike a "Love Tap," Pentagon Scrambles to Find Greeting Card That Says That Hallmark's New "Congratulations on Your Missile Defense" Line Is Performing Better Than Expected President Donald Trump

In a Desperate Effort to Win the Democratic Nomination, Ro Khanna Darkens His Skin Sacramento awoke Tuesday to the sound of campaign interns sprinting, ring lights collapsing, and three focus groups

MAGA Celebrates Trump's "Victory" Over Iran With Tasteful, Family-Friendly Roman Orgy A modest gathering featuring togas, cold cuts, and constitutional confusion — where the empire strikes back at facts Five Things Observed

America Brings the Bombers, Britain Brings the Fine Print Or: How to Fight a War While Pretending It's a Neighborhood Watch Meeting Britain is hosting American bombers the way someone hosts

Self-Care Arrives 40 Years Late, Generation Asks for Manager Nation's Most Stoic Adults Now Googling "How to Feel Feelings Without Pulling a Hamstring" For decades, this generation was raised on three core

Trump's Greenland Acquisition Proposal Reframed as Strategic Optimization Rather Than Imperial Overreach America Argues Denmark's Minimal Use of Arctic Territory Justifies Transfer of Sovereignty Denmark Isn't Really Using Greenland, So America Is

Minneapolis Declared "On Edge" After Federal Agents Appear to Do Their Job in Public Minneapolis officials confirmed this week that the city is once again "on edge," a special civic status

The Legend of Johnny "Football" Manziel The Hangover That Wasn't A Hangover 😎🐂 A Texas-Sized Disclaimer Before we saddle up this bucking bronco of satire, one thing is clear: Johnny Manziel — the Heisman

Enemy Islam Revealed! (Or at Least Headline Islam) Unpacking the Blockbuster Scoop Let's unpack today's blockbuster Washington Times scoop, the one with the headline that sounds like a rejected sequel to Independence

I *love* road trips! (Complains after 30 minutes.) Road Trip Rhetoric: Romanticism Dies at the First Rest Stop From Wanderlust to Whining in Record Time"I *love* road trips," they announce, packing a

Overpacked Suitcases "I Was Just Prepared for All 12 Seasons--Climate and Fashion."At JFK International Airport, 33-year-old fashion stylist Darla Moncrief was detained by TSA after her suitcase burst open at baggage

Facial Hair Fatwa Urged by Executive Suggestion – Special Report #45 Trump's team offered Ayatollah free Dollar Shave Club samples. Mojtaba promised a soul patch compromise--neither accepted nor denied. Clerics argued

Delete this. (Under a completely harmless post.) Delete This: The Universal Cry of the Overdramatic Internet Bystander The Digital World's Favorite OverreactionFrom baby photos to innocent sandwich reviews, no post is safe

Tom Brady Lost at Sea with String Bikinis and Existential Regret America’s Quarterback Throws One Last Deep Pass into the Bikini Abyss of Aging Gracefully By Staff Writer, Bohiney Magazine — Certified

I'll just *treat myself*. (Can't pay rent.) Treat Yourself into Eviction: Luxury with a Side of Delusion Retail Therapy, But Make It Financial Trauma"I'll just treat myself," they whisper, as their cart

I *identify* as innocent. (Jury disagrees.) Identity Politics Meets Criminal Court The Self-Identification Defense That Flopped"I identify as innocent," they proclaim, while security footage plays in 4K and a witness draws them

He doesn't bite. (He bites.) The Bite Denier's Club: Teeth and Lies Love Nibbles, Lawsuits, and Loose Band-Aids"He doesn't bite," they say confidently, moments before their Yorkie launches a surprise ankle assault

Beard-Free Future Urged to Save Middle East – Special Report #63 Rouhani allegedly keeps a secret clean-shaven passport in Dubai. Trump's team offered Ayatollah free Dollar Shave Club samples. Mojtaba promised

People Who Say "I'm Just Being Honest" Before Being Rude Brutal Honesty or Just Brutal? The Truth Behind Your "Truth" Because Honesty Without Tact Is Just a Personality FlawSome people weaponize "honesty"

I don't need therapy, I have *crystals*. Healing Crystals, Emotional Band-Aids, and Quartz Confusion Amethyst Can't Fix Your Childhood Trauma"I don't need therapy, I have crystals," they declare, clutching rose quartz like

Public Bench Philosophers "He Sat Down for a Smoke Break. Three Hours Later, He Had Followers."When laid-off copywriter Nigel Sloan started frequenting a park bench with a spiral notebook and a

The "Hot Yoga" Lawsuit "I Transcended, Then Slid into the Juice Bar. Now I Seek Legal Compensation."Legal drama is heating up at Solstice Stretch Studio in Venice Beach, where a class

Pet Fashionistas "Her Paws Are on the Pulse of Couture. Mine Are on Clearance."Princess Fluffington, a miniature poodle from Beverly Hills, has more designer tags than most human influencers. With a

I'm not self-centered, I just narrate from a first-person spiritual perspective. (Begins every sentence with "As an empath…") Main Character Syndrome, Chakra Edition The Hero's Journey Through Trader Joe's"I'm not self-centered, I