City of Los Angeles Declares Potholes “Urban Mindfulness Traps”
Civic leaders rebrand craters as opportunities for spiritual awareness and spine realignment.
LOS ANGELES — In a bold new initiative from City Hall, the Department of Transportation has reclassified all potholes as “Urban Mindfulness Traps,” inviting residents to “pause, reflect, and align their chakras with asphalt.”
“When your car hits one of these sacred holes, it’s the city giving you a spiritual wake-up call,” explained Transportation Wellness Officer Derryk Moonchild. “You weren’t grounded before. You are now — possibly by your mechanic.”
Potholes will now be painted with meditative slogans such as “Feel the Dip” and “You Are the Crack.” Budget cuts mean repairs are deferred indefinitely, but LA officials insist this will “encourage inner growth via outer suspension damage.”
What the Funny People Are Saying:
- “My shock absorbers are more evolved than I am.” — Ron White
- “Every pothole is a surprise therapy session.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “I hit one so deep I came out questioning my gender and credit score.” — Amy Schumer
The city also announced a partnership with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop to sell “Pothole Healing Crystals” at intersections. Each one is infused with quartz, resentment, and trace amounts of motor oil.
Yoga studios have begun offering “Deep Alignment Road Flow” — a moving meditation class performed in traffic while waiting for AAA.
Meanwhile, Beverly Hills has denied all involvement, stating, “We don’t have potholes. We have sculpted vehicular dips.”
IMAGE GALLERY
DISCLAIMER: This article was sponsored by the Council of Unseen Yogis and the Tire Alignment Guild of California. Use caution while spiritually awakening at 45 MPH. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.