Allergic to Work
Workplace Woes and Itchy Excuses
Jason Millard called in sick again, citing “hives whenever spreadsheets open.” A local doctor officially diagnosed him with Severe Monday Aversion Syndrome (SMAS), a condition affecting people with calendars and ambition.
The Symptoms
“He breaks out in sarcasm and yawns aggressively,” said HR. “We thought it was burnout–turns out it’s full-on life rejection.”
Medical Take
Dr. Polly Napp says SMAS is real-ish. “Symptoms include excessive sighing, podcast binging, and pretending to be in a Zoom call when actually in bed.”
Workplace Policy Update
The office now offers a “Monday Meditation Muffin Hour” and optional sobbing tent.
Conclusion
Jason is still employed but works entirely via handwritten notes passed under the breakroom door. It’s going okay.