Pam Bondi Denies Trump Link, Media Begins Psychic Investigation
Following Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi’s blunt statement that Donald Trump’s name does not appear in the Epstein documents, major news outlets have launched a daring new strategy: abandoning journalism entirely in favor of telepathy.
“Fine,” muttered MSNBC’s Joy Reid. “If the DOJ won’t give us what we want, we’ll access the documents through the collective unconscious.”
The next hour of programming featured three psychics, two former massage therapists, and a French bulldog with “medium training” pawing at a map of Palm Beach. According to the panel, “Trump’s presence can be felt in the creases of page 89.”
CNN followed suit with a segment titled:
“Reading Between the Lives: Past Life Regression and the Epstein Files”
Anchor Erin Burnett interviewed a woman named Crystal Ember, a “soul archeologist,” who claimed that in a previous life, Trump was “a Greek shipping magnate with extremely suspicious eyebrows.”
Meanwhile, The New York Times editorial board huddled in silence around a Ouija board for six hours. The results?
“D-O-N… nothing further. Spirit disconnected. Possibly due to skepticism in the room.”
ABC News dispatched a crew to a psychic fair in Tampa, where a tarot reader turned over the “Justice” card upside down and screamed, “That’s it! It’s a karmic reversal! Trump erased his energy signature!”
Even NPR couldn’t resist. In a bonus episode of their series Epstein: Shadows and Silence, host Mariah Bell softly whispered,
“What do we do when the evidence is invisible… but our feelings are loud?”
Their guest — an intuitive grief doula from Portland — explained that Trump’s lack of physical presence in the files was “deeply masculine avoidance energy.” She recommended journaling, rose quartz, and lighting a candle made from shredded nondisclosure agreements.
Comedian Ricky Gervais called it the media’s most desperate move yet:
“First they lied. Then they hallucinated. Now they’re asking the ghost of Epstein to point at Trump on a chalkboard in the afterlife.”
Trump responded with a single-word Truth Social post:
“LOL.”
At press time, CNN announced a new primetime special:
“Pam Bondi: Guardian of Secrets or High Priestess of Obfuscation?”
Viewers were promised a deep dive into her energy field, favorite salad dressings, and whether her refusal to implicate Trump was due to “psychic shielding” or just “a lack of evidence, you absolute lunatics.”
Still undeterred, MSNBC closed its broadcast with an earnest appeal:
“Donald Trump may not be in the files… but he’s definitely in our dreams. And we will not rest until those dreams are monetized.”
Tune in next week for a cross-network seance titled:
“Trump and the Spirits: If He’s Not Guilty, Why Did the Candle Flicker?”