Vegan Cheese Catastrophes
“We Didn’t Know If It Was Food or Prophecy. We Still Don’t.”
What began as a well-intentioned vegan potluck hosted by a progressive book club in Portland quickly spiraled into chaos after one guest’s homemade cashew-based “cheese”–nicknamed “The Wedge of Enlightenment”–developed a gelatinous sentience, slid off the serving tray, and began an independent journey across the living room, emitting soft Gregorian chants and a faint smell of despair.
“I followed the recipe exactly,” said creator Amber Featherglen, who swears the cheese was non-dairy, non-GMO, and “blessed by moonlight.” She admitted to substituting nutritional yeast with a powder labeled “Sacred Umami” bought from an unlicensed food wizard at a drum circle.
Guests were initially impressed by the cheese’s “ambition” and “shamanic mouthfeel,” until it moved on its own, slid off the plate, and attempted to scale the host’s antique ottoman. Screams ensued.
Witnesses say the cheese emitted low-frequency vibrations and knocked over a bottle of kombucha while growling something resembling “brieeeeee.”
The final act of terror came when the cheese approached the host’s rescue cat, Fluffins. The cat sniffed it once, convulsed, then stood upright and spoke in a voice described as “Orson Welles after a juice cleanse.” Fluffins announced, “I am the wheel of fermentation. Bow before the curd.”
The party ended abruptly. Several attendees attempted to neutralize the cheese with sage smudging and acoustic folk guitar. Neither worked.
Fluffins has since been renamed “Saint Fromaggio” and now only eats pre-industrial olives. The cheese was last seen smoldering under a biodynamic compost heap. Scientists remain baffled. Vegans remain defensive.
Amber is undeterred. “Next time,” she said, “I’ll skip the sacred umami and use reiki-infused tofu.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
