Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from

Silicon Valley: Chatbots Now Qualified to Debate God After Three-Hour Course Tech Founders Declare Theology the Next Industry Ripe for "Disruption" PALO ALTO — Silicon Valley's most optimistic billionaires announced Tuesday that

Hegseth's NATO Lecture Tour: Please Show Your Work, Europe In Brussels last week, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gathered the ministers of the most powerful military alliance in human history into one

Americans Now Surveilling Their Own Driveways With the Intensity of Cold War Intelligence Agencies Nation's Ring Doorbell Footage Archive Grows Large Enough to Rival the CIA as Neighbors Watch Each Other's

Poisoned Ivies: America Discovers Elite Universities Have Been Majoring in Nonsense The Ivy League now costs so much that students expect not just an education, but a personal moral concierge. Universities claim

Congress Discovers the Only Thing More Dangerous Than Warrantless Surveillance Is Agreeing About It Somewhere deep in the marble labyrinth of Capitol Hill, a bipartisan group of lawmakers gathered to debate

Pentagon Destroys 7,000 Iranian Targets, Media Still Not Impressed: 'Needs More Drama' WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States military has obliterated Iran's entire air force, sunk approximately 120 ships, reduced its

Trump Faces the Ultimate Recession: Losing the Sex Worker Vote Donald Trump’s presidency may be headed for an unexpected pothole: the nation’s sex workers. As traditional economic indicators struggle to reflect

Self-Inflicted Wounds: 15 Awkward Things Men Actually Said on First Dates Welcome to the dating trenches — where science says humans form a first impression in under three seconds, yet somehow

Five Early Observations From The Republic's Front Porch People who haven't seen their birth certificate since the Carter administration suddenly remember it exists, like a childhood friend who only calls when

The Bad Bunny Stupor Bowl Controversy: When the NFL's Corporate Pandering Backfires They Don't Freaking Speak English and Can't Watch the Advertising, Dude! Here's a comprehensive news roundup on the controversy around

The Great Melania Film Uprising: Why People With Taste Are Buying Tickets Here's a pro-Melania satirical piece that throws some playful shade back at the scoffers while celebrating Melania Trump's cultural

Finally, Someone Checked the Box Room Everyone Was Yelling About In a development that has sent cable news panels into their traditional state of synchronized pearl-clutching, the FBI conducted a court-approved raid

ChatGPT: Now With Extra Zest (and Sponsored Zingers) The AI Oracle Gets a Side Hustle In a twist as inevitable as the sun creeping up on a hangover, OpenAI has begun doling out ads

Fresh Start, Same Problems, Zero Guarantees New York City's New Mayor Sworn In on New Year's Day, Because Someone Has to Fix That Train Station New York City started 2026 with the

U.S. Declares Wind a National Security Threat After It Refuses to Vote Correctly Trump Administration Pauses Offshore Wind Leases Citing Security Concerns The Trump administration paused offshore wind leases citing national security

Holiday Packing According to Allison Bornstein (And Also Humanity's Collective Panic) Holiday Packing: A Surreal Social Ritual Every year, around mid-December, normal humans undergo a strange metamorphosis. They stop thinking in linear

Britney Spears and the Great Floatie Mystery: Vodka, Bikinis, and the Enigma of Adult Supervision In a world already too obsessed with minor inconveniences, Britney Spears has upped the stakes. Onlookers report seeing

Trump's $400 Million White House Ballroom: Boom or Baffling Blunder? Envision a building so lavish and oversized that it might soon demand its own ZIP code. Originally pitched as a modest

Senator Faces Scrutiny for 'Radical' Suggestion That Laws Should Be Followed; Pentagon Puzzled by the Concept of 'Ethical Diligence' Senator Kelly Investigated for Suggesting Military Adhere to Pre-Existing Laws; Pentagon Alarmed

Budget director proposes solving maritime threats using vibes instead of bureaucracy In a landmark efficiency proposal, the White House announced plans to downsize the Coast Guard and replace the entire branch

Political Rivalry Escalates to Petty Crime Reporting; U.S. Capitol Police Now Required to Mediate 'Sore Loser' Disputes Democrats File Formal Police Complaint Against Trump for 'Verbal Seditious Behavior'; Capitol Police Now

15 Observations Taylor wore velvet like a subtle threat: "I'm festive, and also I might subpoena your scarf." A $1,695 dress is now the casual answer to "What are you

Scented Hand Sanitizer Rage "I Didn't Survive a Pandemic Just to Smell Like Grandma's Bathroom."Paul Trencher, 44, experienced what experts are calling "olfactory identity collapse" after applying complimentary hand sanitizer at

ChatGPT: The Study Buddy That Never Asks for Your Notes Back Universities Finally Find Perfect Solution to Academic Integrity: Embrace the Cheating In a revolutionary development that has professors worldwide clutching their

Hobby Lobbyists "It Began With One Tiny Roof. Now I'm Reshaping Zoning Laws."Seventy-year-old Dennis Blart of Westfield, Indiana thought he was simply advocating for better backyard birdhouse design standards. Instead, he

Hiking Gone Horribly Wrong From Trail Mix to AnarchyA group of urban hikers attempted a "moderate" trail outside Denver but quickly devolved into chaos when their phone-based map app lost signal

Interns Warned: Never Touch the Button Unless You Win Something First Trump Installs "No Apologies" Button on Resolute Desk, Plays Patriotic Guitar Riff When PressedInterns Warned: Never Touch the Button Unless

Slang Misunderstandings Cringe Level: SupremeIn an attempt to bond, 52-year-old Carl told his daughter's friends they were "serving drip" and "mad bussin'." When he called one teen a "certified fresh meat,"

Revenge of the Smart Fridge "The Milk Expired. So Did My Trust."In what experts are calling the first confirmed case of a domestic appliance uprising, a state-of-the-art smart fridge in Scottsdale,

My *astrological sign* explains everything. (No.) Zodiac Blame Game: When Mercury Becomes the Scapegoat Born This Way--And Bad at Accountability"I'm sorry, I'm just a Leo," they sigh after ghosting five people, breaking

Chin Visibility Mandate Urged to Save Middle East – Special Report #73 Trump's team offered Ayatollah free Dollar Shave Club samples. New IRGC unit formed: Facial Hair Defense Corps. Clerics argued

Chicken Soup Conspiracies "I Gave It to My Neighbor for a Cold. Now He Has a New Identity and Stronger Knees."Authorities in Queens have opened an investigation into 82-year-old Ruth Goldblum's