Patrick Mahomes’ Receivers Ranked ‘Slightly Above Average’ — Just Enough to Keep Dad Happy at Thanksgiving

PFF Grades Them a 76; Mahomes Grades Them a “Bless Their Hearts”

KANSAS CITY — The Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver corps received an official “slightly above average” ranking this week by Pro Football Focus, which is football’s version of Yelp reviews—only meaner and with more acronyms. While fans raised eyebrows and fantasy owners screamed into their spreadsheets, quarterback Patrick Mahomes diplomatically responded, “I mean, sure. They catch stuff. Sometimes.”

This is the second year in a row the Chiefs’ receiving unit has been ranked somewhere between mediocre deli meat and that band your cousin’s friend is in. The label “slightly above average” came after a film review where four of the top five receivers were seen either falling down mid-route or waving at the camera instead of looking for the ball.

Wide Receiver Coach Offers Sobering Optimism

“They’re improving,” said Receivers Coach Jimmy “No Hands” Laramie. “Last year, we couldn’t even spell ‘separation.’ Now? We’re using it in practice sentences.”

Film shows improvement: fewer dropped passes, more completed routes, and significantly fewer collisions with Gatorade tables.

However, one moment stands out: a third-and-8 where three wideouts ran the same curl route into each other, forming what analysts have dubbed “The Sad Rhombus.”

Thanksgiving with Mahomes Sr. Just Got Awkward

Mahomes’ father, former MLB pitcher Pat Mahomes Sr., allegedly had strong opinions after reading the rankings. According to family sources, he muttered during dinner, “In my day, a .250 batting average would get you benched. But I guess in football, barely trying gets you merch deals.”

Patrick, ever the diplomat, changed the subject to cranberry sauce.

Still, sources say the Thanksgiving football game ended early when a receiver dropped a gravy boat, then blamed the lighting.

Inside the Locker Room: “We’re Slightly Above Caring”

When asked about the ranking, one receiver said, “Look, we don’t have the best hands, okay? But we have great hearts. And okay, decent calves.”

Tight end Travis Kelce tried to be encouraging. “They’re like puppies learning to run. Slippery, chaotic, but you just want to cheer them on and then maybe crate-train them.”

Mahomes remained positive. “You know, when you throw the ball and eventually someone catches it, that’s called progress. It’s like dating in college.”

One Practice Included Four Drops and a Group Hug

Insiders say Wednesday’s practice was emotional after Coach Laramie replaced the usual jugs machine with a quote board reading, “Maybe the real catches were the friends we made along the way.”

Mahomes was later seen practicing solo by launching passes into the wind and yelling, “At least the wind shows effort!”

Comedians Weigh In on the Chiefs’ Pass Catchers

“These guys couldn’t catch a cold in a kindergarten classroom.” — Ron White

“They make post office delivery look like pinpoint precision.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“If Patrick Mahomes threw them a compliment, they’d still drop it.” — Sarah Silverman

“Why do they run routes like they’re following a treasure map written by a drunk toddler?” — Larry David

“The only separation they’re creating is from my fantasy playoff hopes.” — Bill Burr

“I saw a Chiefs receiver turn mid-play to wave at a fan. Sir, focus.” — Chris Rock

“If these receivers were sandwiches, they’d be bread and… disappointment.” — Amy Schumer

“I once played flag football drunk. I was still more effective than two of them.” — Kevin Hart

Analysts Suggest “Emotional Support Catches” for Next Season

With fan frustration growing, ESPN’s Mina Kimes proposed a new stat called Catch Vibes, measuring not whether a catch was made, but whether the intent to catch was radiated clearly.

“We’re seeing a lot of wishful catching,” Kimes explained. “Which is like passive-aggressive catching, but with more arm flailing.”

PFF agreed, announcing a new category for the Chiefs: Catch-Adjacent Activity.

Receivers Blame the Weather, the Balls, and Mercury in Retrograde

“I think the problem is the air,” said WR2 Skyy Moore. “It’s got this weird density.”

Rashee Rice added, “I’d catch more if the ball was shaped like a hug.”

Some players have taken to carrying crystals in their gloves. One wideout recently brought a dreamcatcher to the sideline, claiming it filters out bad routes.

Meanwhile, Mahomes had to hold an intervention with a receiver who tried to manifest a touchdown by closing his eyes and visualizing success instead of running the route.

Chiefs Consider Radical Solutions

Among the ideas reportedly floated by Coach Reid:

• Laser-guided gloves

• A hypnotist named “Dr. Touchdown”

• Installing Wi-Fi routers on the sidelines to improve “signal strength”

One assistant coach was overheard saying, “At this point, I’d pay a squirrel to run a slant route.”

Team Chemistry Still Strong, Mostly Out of Necessity

Despite the chaos, players say the chemistry is “unbreakable.” Mainly because they’re in a group chat titled “Mahomes or Bust.”

The quarterback is allegedly the only person allowed to send GIFs.

Still, Mahomes maintains optimism. “Look, every relationship takes time. Sometimes you just need a few trust falls and a well-timed screen pass.”

Kelce confirmed: “We do trust falls. That’s actually our red zone package now.”

The Catch Heard ’Round the Internet

Ironically, the best play of the season came when a tipped pass ricocheted off three helmets, a ref’s shoulder, and a mascot’s tail before being cradled gently by WR5 who had tripped, stood up, and accidentally landed in the endzone.

“That’s our identity now,” said Coach Reid. “Chaos. But, like, charming chaos.”

Fans Cope by Lowering Expectations

The Arrowhead crowd has adopted a new chant: “He almost caught it! He almost caught it!” T-shirts reading “Slightly Above Average = Slightly Enough” are selling briskly.

Meanwhile, fantasy football leagues are offering emotional compensation for Chiefs receiver owners, including therapy goats and hugs from disillusioned Lions fans.

Conclusion: Mediocrity Never Looked So Beloved

In a sport where excellence is demanded, the Chiefs’ receivers have found an offbeat groove. Not excellent. Not awful. Just… there. Present. Running routes that suggest success. Dropping balls with meaning.

As one sportswriter put it, “They’re not great. But they’re ours. And that counts for something, right? RIGHT?”

Whether they improve or remain the most dependable way to fumble away a Super Bowl, Patrick Mahomes remains loyal.

“They’re slightly above average,” he said with a smile. “Just like my cooking. And I still eat it every night.”