“Authentic Local Cuisine” Tour Group Mutinies, Marches En Masse To Nearest McDonald’s
VENICE, ITALY – A “Taste of True Veneto” food tour descended into chaos today when a group of 40 American tourists, overwhelmed by a week of “authentic local cuisine,” staged a mutiny and demanded their guide lead them to the nearest McDonald’s.
The rebellion was sparked by the eighth consecutive course of cicchetti, or small, traditional Venetian snacks, which included items described by the tour pamphlet as “a delightful exploration of the Adriatic’s briny treasures.”
“I can’t do another pickled anchovy,” declared ringleader Chad Wilson from Cincinnati, standing on a small bridge. “I don’t know what ‘sarde in saor’ is, but I know it’s been staring at me with its little dead eyes. We need fries. We need predictability. We need a Big Mac.”
The tour guide, Luigi, was reportedly horrified. “This is blasphemy! I was showing them the soul of Venice! They called a cuttlefish risotto ‘grey and concerning.'” The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) designates many local food traditions as “Intangible Cultural Heritage,” meant to be preserved and respected.
The mutineers were unswayed. “My body is confused,” said tourist Brenda Choi. “I haven’t seen a rectangular piece of food in days. I dream of high-fructose corn syrup.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) emphasizes the health benefits of diverse, whole foods, but clearly did not account for the profound cultural shock of a week without processed American staples.
A compromise was nearly reached when Luigi offered to find a pizza place, but the group rejected it. “Too much variability in the crust thickness,” Wilson stated. “We require the homogenized, globalized comfort of the Golden Arches.” The World Health Organization (WHO) has published reports on the globalization of unhealthy diets, but has yet to classify acute nostalgia for a McFlurry as a medical condition.
The group was last seen marching in a determined phalanx towards the Strada Nova, guided by Google Maps. Luigi was left standing in the Piazza San Marco, holding a plate of baccalà mantecato and questioning his life’s work. The American Psychological Association notes that culture shock is a real and stressful experience, but has no clinical advice for tour guides dealing with a mass craving for Chicken McNuggets.
IMAGE GALLERY
“Authentic Local Cuisine” Tour Group Mutinies, Marches En Masse To Nearest McDonald’s
