America Just Classified a Chatbot as a National Security Asset, So Now You Need a Hall Pass to Use It WASHINGTON — The Commerce Department and a handful of European officials are

Democrats Demand Elon Musk Be Made An Intellectual Eunuch And Assigned To A Government Sandwich Program Progressive Caucus Warns That Unchecked Innovation Is A Systemic Threat To People Who Haven't Done

FIFA Bans Reusable Bottles, Accidentally Creates Largest Bottled Water Monopoly Since The Desert 🌵💰 MIAMI, FL — In a move that economists are calling "inspired," "diabolical," and "probably both," FIFA has officially

Cole Allen Demands Special Treatment, Asks Federal Judge to Address the Truly Pressing Issue: Mattress Firmness Armed Suspect Faces Justice System; Justice System Faces Yelp Reviews About Lumbar Support WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Zuckerberg Announces Privacy Is Back at Meta, Then Immediately Measures Your Keystrokes Five Humorous Observations Nothing says privacy revival quite like a man counting your every keypress in real time and

Iran Discovers the Eagle Still Has Talons — And a Receipts Folder the Size of a Carrier Deck Some nations build bridges. Some build factories. Iran's ruling class built a forty-year

Europe Is Building a NATO Backup Plan and It's the Most European Thing to Happen Since the EU Invented a Committee to Regulate Cheese Europe is now building a backup plan

Diplomats Now Travel With Three Things: a Passport, a Speech, and a Backup Speech for When the First One Immediately Becomes Outdated State Department Issues New Travel Advisory: Pack Light, Except

When Jesus Invented the World’s Smallest Sewing Project The Camel, the Needle, and the Spiritual Gym Membership Verse: Matthew 19:24 If there were an Olympic event for impossible tasks, threading a camel through

15 Observations About Trump's "Build Your Own Power Plant" AI Plan ⚡🤖 The Silicon Valley DIY Energy Kit Tech CEOs were reportedly thrilled with the idea of building their own power plants,

Scientists Confirm Orgasms Now Come With Bonus Features Nobody Asked For The scientific community has finally admitted what couples have been whispering awkwardly since time immemorial: orgasms are no longer a single-purpose event.

The Greenland Gambit: America's Newest Defense Strategy (Featuring Dog Sleds and Diplomacy) Satirical Arctic Security Brief Every great military strategy begins with a simple question: what if we put a base there?

Nation's Highest Court Opens New Term as America's Longest-running Unscripted Legal Drama The Supreme Court as a Reality Show Americans do not watch Supreme Court hearings to understand the law; they

Public Television Delivers Global Tension Like a Bedtime Story With Pledge Drive Vibes PBS News Weekend Explains Chaos Slowly, Gently, and With Respectful Background Music Bohiney.com watched the PBS News Weekend and

Hockey as Life Mirror USA vs Finland: Quarterfinal Drama Reminds Americans That Hockey Is Just a Tiny Ice-Cold Mirror of LifeTeam USA faced Finland in the World Juniors quarterfinals, an event

The "High-Effort Boyfriend" Trend Romantic comedy meets comic tragedy when young adults with smartphones (not souls) start posting videos about their "high-effort boyfriends" like they're reviewing Magic Kingdom rides. According to

Couple Survives Christmas Shopping as Relationship Enters Recovery Phase LOS ANGELES — Couples across the country reported emotional trauma after surviving peak Christmas shopping hours, with therapists noting a sharp rise

Trump Softens Cannabis Laws, Leaving Left Unsure Whether to Cheer or Scream "Fascist" American Left Experiences System Error Over Federal Cannabis Restrictions The American left experienced a brief system error this week

Temporary Halt in Hostilities Immediately Broken; Diplomatic Concept of 'Ceasefire' Demoted to 'Strong Recommendation' Ceasefire Protocol Downgraded by International Community: Now Officially Listed as a 'Strong Recommendation'JERUSALEM--A recently announced ceasefire in

Experimental "Department of Optimistic Global Economics" Dissolved After Realizing It Was Just Cryptocurrency Fan Mail Experimental 'DOGE' Department Shuttered by Trump, Citing Excessive Optimism and Insufficient Tax RevenueWASHINGTON, D.C.--In a rare

Legacy outlets discover that comparing catastrophe to apocalypse makes catastrophe look successful The Comparative Victory: When Less Terrible Equals Triumph The Associated Press and NBC News celebrated double-digit annual growth, carefully avoiding

Kylie Jenner Institutes Knicks-Based Intimacy Index, Chalamet's Performance “Under Review” By staff columnist, Spurt Blatherwitz For the Style & Sex Stat Sheets Department NEW YORK, NY — In a revelation that has simultaneously

Humans Vote Out of Sympathy for Algorithms New York Election Cycle Features AI Candidates Algorhythm, Byte Jones, and Senator Kernel In a shocking twist to the political landscape, New York City has

Man Attempts to Break World Record for Most Consecutive Naps, Falls Short by One In a daring feat of endurance and indolence, local resident Tom Patterson tried to break the world

Hollywood’s Greatest Performance: Pretending It’s Not Full of Contradictions Lights, Camera, Hypocrisy! Hollywood, the magical land where dreams are made, and reality is rewritten faster than a botched Oscar speech. It's where

Scientists Discover Procrastination Is Actually Advanced Time Management By Dr. Wilhelmina Postpone-Davidson | Bohiney.com In a groundbreaking study that has vindicated millions of deadline-dodging individuals worldwide, researchers at the Institute for Delayed

Social media star's elaborate wellness ritual reveals concerning lack of actual job responsibilities Instagram wellness influencer Ashley Sunrise posted her complete morning routine Tuesday, accidentally revealing she's unemployed and has approximately

Reading and Running Merge in Unprecedented Fitness Initiative Running With the Classics In an unprecedented fusion of fitness and literature, Downtown Public Library unveiled Book Treadmills, a concept allowing patrons to read

AI Dating Apps: How Robots Are Revolutionizing Romantic Failure By Marcus Sterling, Senior Technology Correspondent, Bohiney.com Artificial Intelligence Promises Perfect Matches While Delivering Perfect Disasters The dating app industry has discovered artificial intelligence,

Deadly Pathogen Emerges While Researchers Question Whether Earth Has Developed an Immune Response to Humanity Another Pathogen Enters the Global Conversation Health officials confirmed this week that a Marburg virus outbreak has

Where Paradise Costs Your Entire Paycheck and Spam is a Delicacy Honolulu: The Island Paradise Where Everything Costs Triple and Mainlanders Never Leave Honolulu sprawls across Oahu like a tropical tourist trap

Nation Declares Victory Over Financial Crisis Following Successful Cash Withdrawal in Caracas Historic Breakthrough Marks Economic Turning Point Venezuelan government officials held a triumphant press conference Tuesday celebrating the nation's dramatic economic

Where Jurassic Park Was Filmed and Roosters Rule the Streets Kauai: The Island Where Feral Chickens Outnumber Tourists (Barely) Kauai sprawls across the northwestern Hawaiian islands like nature's theme park before corporate