“Oh Great, I’m Trending Again”

A 2028 Campaign Rant by Kamala Harris, Grump-in-Chief

Listen. It’s me. Kamala. Yeah, I’m still here. And yes, I’ve seen the tweets. I’m trending again—unfortunately not for solving world hunger or reversing climate change with a smile, but because someone caught me sighing audibly during a TikTok summit. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that heavy breathing was now considered a foreign policy stance.

Do you know what it’s like to run for president in a country that treats Mike Tyson’s travel itinerary with more interest than your entire infrastructure bill?

But fine. I’m here. I’m running again. And I’ve got thoughts. I’ve got rage. I’ve got time because apparently my whole calendar has been cleared in favor of “meeting with youth content creators about democracy.” Great. Just what I wanted. More soft lighting and fake enthusiasm while a guy in a Spider-Man suit asks if I believe in vibes-based governance.

So let’s talk about what’s “trending.”

Trump Is Still Trumping

Of course Donald Trump is trending. That man trends more than oxygen. He could sneeze into a ham sandwich and Fox News would headline it “Bold Culinary Diplomacy.” And I’m supposed to act like we’re on equal footing?

Trump declared “Woke-Free Wednesdays,” which is ironic because if anyone needs a mid-week nap, it’s him. He also fired half the National Labor Relations Board because someone wore a pin that said “equity.” Equity. Imagine being that allergic to fairness.

But go ahead, media. Keep giving him the spotlight like he’s not a walking class-action lawsuit with hair.

JD Vance: The Appalachian Nostalgia Machine

Ah, JD Vance. The man who looked at a hill and thought, “That needs a bestselling memoir.” He’s somehow trending again for calling community colleges “socialist kindergartens for adults.”

This man thinks a trade school diploma is Marxism with a wrench.

I’d challenge him to a debate, but I’m afraid he’ll just bring a coal miner and point like, “This is America.” Sir, that’s Carl. He’s tired. Let him rest.

Mike Tyson: Still Punching, Now in Airports

Mike Tyson is trending because he attempted to do Tai Chi in an airport terminal and accidentally knocked over a baby stroller. That’s America now. We cheer for accidental concussions while ignoring that a third of our bridges are basically architectural Jenga.

But sure, put him on TikTok and let him narrate climate policy. “Uppercut the carbon, baby.” Inspiring.

Catherine, Princess of Wales: Still Rich, Still Bored

You know who’s trending again? Kate Middleton. Why? Because she wore beige. Beige. Half of the internet lost its mind like it was a foreign policy statement. Meanwhile, I wear a navy pantsuit and suddenly I’m “cold, disconnected, and possibly an alien.”

Newsflash: I’m not an alien. I’m just tired.

Imane Khelif: Boxing, But Make It Diplomacy

This Algerian boxer is going viral because she punched her way through a sexist Olympic committee. Good. We need more of that energy in Congress. Imagine if we could solve budget gridlock by putting Josh Hawley in the ring with Imane. I’d pay to see that. Hell, I’d sell tickets.

Jill Stein Is Back, and She’s Still Jill Stein

Jill Stein is running again. Of course she is. She emerges every four years like a third-party Punxsutawney Phil, sees her shadow, and torpedoes the Democratic vote by 3 percent.

She held a rally in front of a kombucha brewery where 12 people clapped politely and one guy said, “I thought this was a food co-op.”

I admire her commitment to confusion. I do. But we need a Green New Deal, not Green New Derailment.

Kamala Harris, According to The Internet

Then there’s me. Apparently I’m trending because I frowned during a press event. Let me tell you something: if you had to listen to three hours of tech bros explain their blockchain-based voting machine that only works on Ethereum, you’d frown too.

Every time I don’t smile, someone writes a think piece about it.

She’s cold.
She’s too calculated.
She’s out of touch.

You want “in touch”? Fine. I know the price of eggs. I also know that TikTok influencers are now being considered for federal cybersecurity roles because “they know how to go viral.”

I want to go viral too. Preferably with legislation.

AI Wants to Replace Me

Artificial Intelligence is trending. Again. People are excited that AI can now generate an entire presidential speech with better cadence and fewer awkward laughs than me.

Fine. Replace me with a robot. Just make sure it can sit through eight Senate committee meetings about broadband access without developing a drinking problem.

Elon Musk Renames Mars “Freedom Planet”

Elon Musk announced that Mars will now be called “Freedom Planet” and that he’s building a libertarian colony there. Good. Take the crypto bros. Take the libertarians. Take the “I don’t pay taxes because I manifest abundance” crowd. One-way ticket.

And I swear, if he tries to privatize the moon, I’m calling NASA and telling them to put a boot on his Tesla.

Supreme Court Overrules Emotion

The Supreme Court just ruled that sarcasm is not protected by the First Amendment. Which is weird, because sarcasm is the only way I communicate now. It’s my second language. I’m fluent in English and Disappointment.

So now what? We’re regulating tone? Are we gonna install irony detectors at TSA?

TikTok Teens, Please Stop Diagnosing Me

You know what else is trending? Some TikTok teen made a video saying I blink too slowly and that’s a “classic narcissist trait.” First of all, Madison, you’re 17. Second, if blinking slowly is evil, then every turtle is a fascist.

“Woke-Free Wednesdays”: The Dumbest Holiday Since Groundhog Day

Back to Trump’s dumb “Woke-Free Wednesdays.” What does that even mean? No books? No facts? Just primal grunting and reruns of Duck Dynasty?

We tried a woke-free country once. It was called 1850. And it didn’t go well.

Usher Headlines the DNC?

Apparently the Democratic National Committee is considering Usher for their keynote performer. Because nothing says “save democracy” like a guy whose biggest hit was about confessing to infidelity in a club.

“Yeah,” but make it policy.

The Algorithm Thinks I’m Depressed

Every time I open YouTube, the algorithm recommends self-help videos with titles like “How to Fake Enthusiasm for People Who Suck” and “Smiling Through Gritted Teeth: A Guide.”

I swear, my smart fridge once showed me a motivational quote: “Don’t quit just because no one claps.” Who programmed this? My high school guidance counselor?

Let Me Speak to the Manager of America

I’m not angry, I’m just… permanently exasperated. I’m the political equivalent of asking to speak to the manager and realizing I AM the manager.

And guess what? The coffee machine’s broken, the staff’s unionizing, and half the country thinks facts are just “big government energy.”

I’m Running. Again.

Yes. I’m running. Again. Because I still believe this country can be better, even though it just collectively Googled “How to secede from reality.”

I believe in policy. I believe in science. I believe in taxing billionaires who think freedom is not having to wear deodorant at Burning Man.

I believe in America. Even if America mostly believes in microwave conspiracy theories.

Final Thoughts from the Candidate Formerly Known as Hopeful

So here I am. Kamala. Still here. Still running. Still frowning. Still being told to “smile more” by people whose idea of charisma is yelling “Let’s Go Brandon” at CVS.

I’m not running because it’s easy. I’m running because no one else in the room looked up from their phones when the planet caught fire and democracy slid into a spam folder.

I’m the adult in the room. The disappointed mom of a nation full of raccoons digging through the electoral trash.

Vote for me in 2028.

Or don’t.

But at least stop trending “Kamala Harris has Resting Policy Face.” I’m just tired. And apparently blinking slowly.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

Disclaimer: This article is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI opinions were consulted—unless you count Kamala’s smart fridge.

Trending in the News AGAIN?

Trump Declares Woke-Free Wednesdays, Tears Double in San Francisco

Former President Donald Trump has announced the nation’s newest civic holiday: Woke-Free Wednesdays, an initiative that bans empathy, pronouns, and oat milk for a 24-hour period. “It’s time America got back to the basics—hamburgers, unisex jeans, and deeply repressed feelings,” Trump said at a rally held entirely inside a Cracker Barrel. Within hours, emergency rooms in San Francisco reported a record spike in emotional breakdowns, with citizens complaining of “sudden re-exposure to reality.” One barista wept openly after using the word “inclusive” and receiving a $17 citation from the Woke Patrol, a volunteer militia of middle-aged dads in bald eagle tank tops. Tech CEOs began hoarding Birkenstocks and rebranding as “Post-Woke” startups. Meanwhile, schools replaced social studies with silent Pledge of Allegiance reflection sessions. The White House has refused comment except to confirm that next week may feature Triggered-Free Thursdays. Critics worry this will escalate into a full week of theme days ending in MAGA Sabbath. Trump claims Wednesdays will soon become “the most mentally rigid day in American history,” adding, “It’s about freedom. And I alone can schedule it.”

Jill Stein Reappears, Launches Campaign from Farmer’s Market

After four years of radio silence and two years spent fermenting kale in a solar-powered yurt, Jill Stein has reemerged at a Portland farmer’s market with a new campaign slogan: “Time to Compost Capitalism.” Clad in organic linen and holding a sign that read “Vote for Me, or Don’t,” Stein explained her 2028 platform from behind a table of homegrown medicinal beets. The announcement caused minor confusion as several market-goers believed she was launching a new probiotic. “I just wanted fennel,” said one bewildered shopper. Stein insists her platform is stronger than ever, now featuring universal yoga, vaccine-optional astrology, and an aggressive policy of “vibing the system down.” She remains firm in her refusal to participate in debates unless the podiums are made of reclaimed wood. Stein also introduced her VP pick: an emotional support chicken named Senator Cluckles. Detractors worry her campaign will once again siphon off key progressive votes, but Stein dismissed concerns by noting, “Voting is just the illusion of choice in a dehydrated society.” Experts say she currently polls at 1%, which is still higher than Amtrak. Stein’s team confirmed she’ll next appear at Coachella’s composting tent to debate a worm.

Supreme Court Rules Sarcasm Not Protected by First Amendment

In a stunning 5–4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled that sarcasm is no longer protected speech under the First Amendment, citing “confusion among simpletons” and “irreparable damage to online civility.” Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts stated, “The Constitution defends sincerity, not smugness disguised as wit.” Effective immediately, statements like “Nice job, genius” or “Oh, great, another bipartisan task force” will be classified as Class B Misdemeanors. The ruling sparked outrage across social media, prompting mass arrests at stand-up open mics nationwide. Comedians were escorted offstage mid-bit. Dave Chappelle was last seen nervously Googling “alternate careers.” The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a new Sarcasm Surveillance System (SSS), which scans group chats for passive-aggressive punctuation. TikTok influencers expressed confusion, with one asking, “Wait, does this mean I have to be… earnest now?” Meanwhile, Justice Kagan’s dissenting opinion—delivered entirely in sarcastic tone—has already been redacted as illegal. The Court confirmed next week’s docket will include “Emoji Law: Does the Winky Face Count as a Threat?” For now, Americans are advised to speak plainly, emote directly, and never again utter the phrase “Oh, that’s just great” unless it truly is.

Mike Tyson Accidentally Starts New Religion at O’Hare

A routine layover turned spiritual when Mike Tyson, attempting a peaceful Tai Chi demonstration at O’Hare Gate B17, accidentally inspired the formation of a new religion: Punchianity. After his slow-motion crane stance knocked over three TSA agents and a therapy llama, a crowd formed around the former champ, interpreting the chaos as divine energy. “It was like being baptized in sweat and fear,” said one witness, clutching an airport pretzel like a sacred relic. Within hours, thousands had joined the Church of Iron Mike, adopting headbands and speaking in short, powerful bursts of wisdom like, “Everybody’s got a plan until they get hit… by enlightenment.” A Tyson-themed chapel has been established in Terminal 2, offering sermons on conflict resolution via uppercut. Believers now meditate by watching his 1988 highlights reel in reverse. Critics have called it “the most confusing religious event since Kanye’s Sunday Service,” but Punchianity’s core message is clear: hurt less, hug harder, and always protect your chin. Tyson has declined formal leadership, stating, “I’m just trying to get to Denver,” but followers insist he is “the chosen pugilist of peace.” Pope Francis has not commented but was seen shadowboxing.

Kate Middleton’s Beige Coat Causes Internet to Weep

In what analysts are calling “the most traumatic beige event since tapioca,” Kate Middleton stepped out in a taupe trench coat and accidentally triggered a global emotional collapse. Fashion sites declared it “a masterclass in neutral sorrow,” while TikTok users stitched the footage with sad violin music and wept over its “post-colonial regality.” The coat, designed by a retired shepherd in Yorkshire, has since been declared “emotionally manipulative” by millennial therapists, who warn of its uncanny resemblance to every breakup coat ever worn on British television. The Duchess remained silent, possibly out of respect for the global mood, or possibly because she couldn’t move her arms. The hashtag #BeigeBreakdown trended for 17 hours, with users sharing confessions like, “I saw the coat and called my ex.” Several luxury brands are now marketing knockoff versions called The Melancholy Drape and Fog of Grief. Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace released a statement denying that Kate was “trying to send a sad beige message,” and insists she was merely cold. Royal watchers disagree, claiming the coat’s folds form the shape of a single teardrop. Historians have already placed the moment alongside Princess Di’s revenge dress and Camilla’s unfortunate hat.

TikTok Diagnoses Kamala with Sad Eyebrows

TikTok’s latest viral trend involves amateur psychoanalysis through facial microexpressions, and Vice President Kamala Harris is now the platform’s top subject. Under the hashtag #KamalaBrows, Gen Z has collectively decided her left eyebrow curves slightly downward during speeches, which one influencer with zero credentials claims is a “classic sign of leadership fatigue mixed with generational disappointment.” Thousands of videos now exist where creators pause C-SPAN footage and zoom in on Harris’s brows while whispering things like, “She blinked with uncertainty. She’s doubting democracy.” Another theory proposes her eyebrows are actually “communicating in Morse code,” possibly leaking policy shifts. The Vice President’s press team responded with an official statement: “Her eyebrows are attached to her face. That is all.” A Biden staffer allegedly tried to lighten the mood by drawing cartoon eyebrows on a photo, only to be accused of gaslighting Harris’s emotional topography. Meanwhile, the American Psychiatric Association released a memo reminding citizens that “eyebrows are not diagnostic tools.” Still, Harris is now trending not for her legislative agenda, but because some guy named “VapeDad420” thinks she’s emotionally constipated. The good news? Her eyelashes are polling at 61% approval.

JD Vance Blames Broken Coffee Machine on Marx

During a tense interview on Fox & Friends, Senator JD Vance blamed the Senate’s malfunctioning Keurig machine on “creeping Marxism in office culture.” When asked for clarification, Vance claimed that the coffee machine refused to perform “because it’s been over-socialized and under-capitalized.” “Machines are lazy now,” he added. “They know the government will provide a breakroom whether they work or not.” Twitter users quickly dubbed the moment “Coffeegate”, with one commenter noting, “Finally, someone brave enough to fight communism at 7:45 a.m.” Vance has since proposed legislation requiring all government appliances to be certified as “Free Market Compliant,” including toasters that vote. Meanwhile, maintenance confirmed the Keurig was unplugged and also filled with green tea pods, which Vance called “a gateway herb to socialism.” Bernie Sanders, when asked for comment, chuckled and said, “If that’s Marxist, then my fridge is a Trotskyite.” The coffee machine is now under federal investigation, and Vance has introduced a Senate resolution requiring all breakrooms to display an Ayn Rand quote. In unrelated news, the Capitol’s water cooler unionized that same afternoon.

Kamala Harris Trending Because She Looked Tired at Noon

In a shocking act of human realism, Kamala Harris appeared visibly tired during a White House midday briefing. Within 17 minutes, she was trending. Political analysts described her eyelids as “distressed,” “worrisome,” and “a clear sign of Democratic collapse.” One pundit noted, “We expect our Vice Presidents to run on triple espresso and pure adrenaline. Not… whatever this was.” The press pool speculated wildly—was it the economy? Foreign policy? A bad sandwich? Fox News ran a chyron that read “Kamala Exhausted—Is Socialism Fatiguing Her?” Meanwhile, CNN brought on a sleep specialist who speculated that blinking may indicate “existential dread.” Twitter erupted with conspiracy theories including: “She’s secretly allergic to democracy,” “She’s aging at normal speed,” and “She was up all night painting protest signs.” TikTok teens launched the #TiredKamalaChallenge, where they put on blazers and stare blankly into webcams while whispering, “We are the future.” Harris responded via press secretary, saying, “She had a long day. That’s it.” America, however, refuses to accept that elected officials are human, demanding instead that she rise like a phoenix from an oat milk latte and never display REM cycles again.