Household Budgets Replaced by Appropriations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans struggling to make ends meet have voted for socialist politicians promising to eliminate the problem by introducing an economy in which neither end can be identified.
The new economic philosophy rejects the outdated belief that income and expenses should bear some relationship to one another.
Deficit Spending Explained by a Professor on the Federal Payroll
“Balanced budgets are a relic of capitalist thinking,” explained progressive economist Dr. Lionel Redistribution. “Money should never prevent people from purchasing things. That’s precisely why government invented deficits.”
Dr. Redistribution, whose university receives federal funding, dismissed questions about where the government would obtain additional money.
“We’re surrounded by money,” he explained. “It’s everywhere. Some of it is simply being selfishly stored in other people’s bank accounts.”
The Congressional Budget Office publishes projections of the federal deficit and the national debt. Dr. Redistribution said he had read them once and found them “tonally negative.”
The National Affordability Administration
The movement’s first legislative proposal would establish a National Affordability Administration.
Officials will create a national database of things Americans cannot afford, followed by a second database identifying people who can afford those things.
A third database will identify accountants willing to explain why the first two databases cannot solve the problem.
The accountants will be replaced by consultants.
A former Treasury budget analyst, who now teaches evening classes at a community college, said the database proposal contained a familiar flaw. “Every list of what people can’t afford becomes a list of what somebody has to pay for,” she said. “Then the list needs a list, and the second list needs a hearing room.”
What Americans Say About Food, Healthcare and Housing Costs
According to Pew Research Center’s economic survey, majorities of Americans expressed serious concerns about food, healthcare and housing costs.
Officials described these legitimate anxieties as overwhelming evidence that the country required additional government paperwork.
“We cannot solve affordability until we understand it,” said program administrator Susan Progress. “And we cannot understand it without hiring at least twelve deputy administrators.”
The program will initially cost $8 billion.
Its first accomplishment will be establishing a website explaining why the program requires another $12 billion.
The Fine Print
The program’s founding documents, reviewed by reporters, include a clause in the budget annex stating that “cost estimates are provided for convenience and shall not be relied upon by taxpayers, Congress or the program.” Another section defines “affordable” as “a thing that has been approved.”
Small-Business Owner Asks About Tax Cuts at Congressional Hearing
At a congressional hearing, a small-business owner questioned whether reducing taxes and regulatory costs might help struggling families.
The owner, a hardware store operator named Walt Kessler, said afterward that he had brought a one-page spreadsheet to the hearing. “They told me it was too short to be official,” he said.
Dr. Redistribution responded by accusing him of dangerous arithmetic.
“You’re assuming people should retain some connection between what they earn and what they spend,” he said. “That is precisely the mentality we’re trying to eliminate.”
Under the proposed system, households earning $50,000 annually could qualify for $75,000 in government-approved benefits, subject to income restrictions, administrative deductions and a mandatory financial literacy course.
One frustrated voter asked whether she could simply keep more of her paycheck instead.
“That’s not how assistance works,” explained Progress.
“Why not?”
“Because then you wouldn’t need our assistance.”
The exchange was later cited as proof that ordinary Americans require additional education about government programs.
The Affordability Summit at a Luxury Resort
Meanwhile, the National Affordability Administration announced an emergency summit to address the rising cost of living.
Delegates will gather at a luxury resort with complimentary meals, transportation and accommodations.
The summit will focus on helping Americans survive without complimentary meals, transportation or accommodations.
A receipt for the resort’s deposit, filed with the administration’s procurement office, lists a “welcome reception with ice sculpture” at $14,200. The sculpture depicts a family of four, melting.
Asked how much the initiative would ultimately cost taxpayers, officials declined to speculate.
“That’s the beauty of the system,” explained Dr. Redistribution. “We no longer have to worry about making ends meet.”
He paused.
“We’ve eliminated the ends.”
Five Humorous Observations
- “Some of the money is simply being selfishly stored in other people’s bank accounts.” That’s called a bank account. It’s the one thing in my life that’s selfish and keeps my secrets.
- Three databases, then accountants, then consultants. By the time it gets to the consultants, nobody knows what the first database was for, and the consultants bill you to explain it.
- An $8 billion program whose first accomplishment is a website explaining why it needs $12 billion. That’s not government. That’s a timeshare presentation.
- They hold an emergency summit on affordability at a luxury resort. That’s like holding a diet seminar at a buffet and being surprised when the guy gets seconds.
- An ice sculpture of a family of four, melting. At least somebody finally captured the average American household budget in a medium that tells the truth.