CBS Rushes to Settle Trump Lawsuit Over Kamala Harris’ “60 Minutes” Interview Before Merger Review

Media Giant Offers ‘Settlement Therapy’ to Avoid Regulatory Headaches

By Delilah Snoopsbury, Satirical Media Correspondent

CBS, the network that brought America Survivor, CSI, and that one guy who yells about overpriced antiques, is reportedly scrambling to settle a lawsuit from Donald Trump over a 60 Minutes interview with Vice President Kamala Harris. The settlement talks, allegedly happening behind closed doors in a room filled with nervous executives and a TV tuned to The Young and the Restless, come just as CBS prepares for a critical merger review. The timing, as experts point out, is about as subtle as a CBS procedural drama plot twist.

CBS, Trump, and a Lawsuit Walk Into a Merger Review…

The lawsuit, filed by Trump, claims that 60 Minutes was unfair in its coverage of Kamala Harris and treated her interview with the same soft-glove approach typically reserved for kittens or people explaining how they make their own granola. CBS, however, denies any wrongdoing, while also desperately hoping the words regulatory scrutiny don’t appear on their next earnings call.

CBS settling with Trump is like paying off a raccoon to stop digging through your trash—sure, it might work for now, but he’ll be back next week demanding more snacks. — John Mulaney

Legal analysts say CBS is in a tough spot: paying off Trump to make the lawsuit go away could make them look guilty, but letting the lawsuit drag on could create Discovery Channel-level drama in the middle of their merger review. CBS executives reportedly spent hours debating whether the FCC would be more annoyed by the lawsuit itself or by the fact that NCIS: Guam hasn’t been announced yet.

“The issue isn’t about fairness, it’s about timing,” said media analyst Kevin Bluster. “This merger is CBS’s baby, and Trump just threw a lawsuit-sized pacifier into the works.”

Trump’s Lawsuit Has More Drama Than a ‘CSI’ Crossover

Trump’s legal argument boils down to claims that CBS treated Harris’ interview as a glowing PR campaign while his own past interviews on the network often had the warmth of a Siberian winter. He alleges that questions directed at Harris were framed like an open-book test where the teacher gives you hints, while questions directed at him were framed like a police interrogation scene in an 80s cop movie.

*If Trump gets a settlement check from CBS, does that mean he officially joins the Hollywood elite? I can’t wait for his cameo on NCIS: Mar-a-Lago. — Stephen Colbert

Trump’s legal team argues that the network effectively ran a buy-one-get-one-free deal on political bias. If you liked the soft-focus lens on Kamala Harris, you’ll love our exclusive, harsh lighting package for Trump interviews! His lawyers have even called for a forensic media audit to determine how many giggles were exchanged between Harris and her interviewer versus how many hard stares were directed at Trump.

CBS Lawyers Are Frantically Googling ‘How to Make a Lawsuit Disappear’

With the merger on the line, CBS executives are reportedly considering several strategies to defuse the lawsuit:

• Option 1: Paying Trump off quickly and quietly, with a legally binding agreement that he never demands an hour of TV time again.
• Option 2: Counter-suing Trump for causing media indigestion.
• Option 3: Releasing a 60 Minutes exposé on themselves, blaming rogue editors for everything.

One CBS executive, speaking anonymously (presumably from underneath their desk), admitted that the lawsuit was a distraction. “We need to focus on the merger. Right now, the only thing standing between us and a profitable future is… well, Trump’s lawyer, and possibly the SEC.”

“CBS trying to settle this lawsuit before their merger is like a guy frantically clearing his browser history before his girlfriend borrows his laptop.” — Bill Burr

A Battle of Public Perception: Trump, Harris, and The Media Circus

CBS insiders worry that a drawn-out legal fight will hurt the brand, leading to months of negative headlines and, worst of all, awkward jokes on late-night TV. The network is already in a delicate position, given that audiences are split between people who trust CBS and people who only watch reruns of MASH*.*

Public opinion, meanwhile, is as polarized as ever. In a recent poll by the Totally Unbiased Media Consortium™, 52% of respondents said they believed CBS was unfair to Trump, while another 48% said they weren’t sure, but still didn’t trust anyone on television who wears a tie.

“Trump suing over a Kamala Harris interview is like a fish suing the ocean—it’s not going to change anything, but it’s fun to watch him flop around.” — Seth Meyers

Settlement Talks Could Be the Best Episode of ‘60 Minutes’ Yet

With all the drama, it’s no surprise that settlement talks are happening at lightning speed. Some insiders speculate that CBS might offer a settlement package that includes:

• A cash payout (preferably in non-sequential bills, delivered in a briefcase labeled “Unrelated Business Expenses”).
• A primetime slot for Trump to host his own reality show, tentatively titled “Fake News Island.”
• A legally binding promise that Kamala Harris won’t be allowed to use the words “important moment in history” more than twice in any future interviews.

But negotiations aren’t simple. Trump’s legal team, led by a group of lawyers who definitely keep extra copies of The Art of the Deal on their desks, are reportedly pushing for even more favorable terms. Trump himself has allegedly asked for “at least three more primetime specials about me, preferably with slow-motion B-roll and a dramatic orchestral score.”

“This lawsuit is the first time Trump has ever been upset about someone giving a woman too much airtime.” — Chelsea Handler

Will CBS Manage to Close the Deal?

Experts say CBS’s best hope is to resolve the lawsuit quickly, before regulators get curious and start asking too many questions about other things—like, for example, how much of its revenue actually comes from commercials about arthritis medication?

“CBS is paying Trump to go away, which is ironic—because that’s the same strategy voters used in 2020.” — Trevor Noah

As the merger review looms, CBS is hoping for a swift resolution, but one thing is clear: no matter how this lawsuit ends, it’s already provided the media world with its best drama of the year.

And if nothing else, at least 60 Minutes will have plenty of material for its next episode.

CBS, Trump, and a Lawsuit Walk Into a Merger Review…

• CBS is considering settling the Trump lawsuit ahead of a merger review—because nothing says “we’re totally unbiased” like cutting a check with one hand and signing a multi-billion-dollar deal with the other.
• The lawsuit involves Trump, Kamala Harris, and 60 Minutes—meaning this case already has a longer runtime than a Ken Burns documentary on American outrage.
• CBS executives are reportedly weighing their options carefully—or as corporate lawyers call it, “frantically Googling ‘how to make a lawsuit disappear’ before an FCC meeting.”
• Trump’s lawsuit claims CBS was unfair in its coverage of Kamala Harris—which is like suing a bakery for making cake too delicious. “Your Honor, I demand equal frosting for all candidates!”
• The merger review is looming, and CBS doesn’t want any trouble—because nothing scares a media conglomerate more than the phrase “antitrust regulators with calculators.”
• Trump is involved, so naturally, the settlement talks will be televised—complete with commercial breaks, a dramatic score, and a special guest appearance by Rudy Giuliani, fresh off his Broadway debut: “My Cousin Collapso.”
• CBS denies wrongdoing but is still considering a settlement—which is corporate speak for “Look, we might be guilty, but not in a way we can legally admit.”
• If CBS settles, will 60 Minutes do an exposé on it? Or will they spend another hour asking Kamala Harris how she feels about being asked how she feels about being asked how she feels?
• The case could end with CBS writing a big check to Trump—or as 60 Minutes calls it, “another piece of investigative journalism we won’t be airing.”
• Trump says the interview was unfair—which is ironic because he’s been interviewed more times than Robert De Niro has played a mobster.
• If CBS settles, does that mean Kamala Harris has to go on The Apprentice? And more importantly, will she get fired for laughing too much?
• Some say CBS is rushing to settle before regulators step in—because if there’s one thing big corporations hate, it’s Uncle Sam looking at their bank statements.
• Imagine being the CBS lawyer pitching this to the board: “So, we give Trump money… to make him go away… so we can merge with Paramount… and then never speak of this again. Any questions?”
• CBS and Trump settling feels like an ironic twist ending—like finding out that Dateline NBC actually just makes documentaries about NBC’s own lawsuits.
• Will settling this lawsuit help CBS get its merger approved? Or will it be like every 60 Minutes segment ever: a lot of dramatic pauses, but no actual resolution?

Here are six comedy lines on CBS settling Trump’s lawsuit over Kamala Harris’ 60 Minutes interview:

• CBS settling with Trump is like paying off a raccoon to stop digging through your trash—sure, it might work for now, but he’ll be back next week demanding more snacks. — John Mulaney
• *If Trump gets a settlement check from CBS, does that mean he officially joins the Hollywood elite? I can’t wait for his cameo on NCIS: Mar-a-Lago. — Stephen Colbert
• CBS trying to settle this lawsuit before their merger is like a guy frantically clearing his browser history before his girlfriend borrows his laptop. — Bill Burr
• Trump suing over a Kamala Harris interview is like a fish suing the ocean—it’s not going to change anything, but it’s fun to watch him flop around. — Seth Meyers
• This lawsuit is the first time Trump has ever been upset about someone giving a woman too much airtime. — Chelsea Handler
• CBS is paying Trump to go away, which is ironic—because that’s the same strategy voters used in 2020. — Trevor Noah