New Study Reveals That Meetings Are Just Office Naps with PowerPoints

Experts Suggest Canceling Meetings to Improve Productivity—Bosses Call It ‘Unrealistic’

Groundbreaking Research on Workplace Inefficiency

BOSTON — A new study published by the Institute of Workplace Productivity has confirmed what employees have known for years: the more meetings a company holds, the less actual work gets done. The report, based on data from over 500 corporations, found that 93% of all meetings could have been replaced with a short email or, in some cases, complete silence.

“Our findings suggest that if meetings were eliminated, global GDP would increase by at least 20%,” said Dr. Linda Prescott, lead researcher of the study. “However, middle managers would have nothing to do, so the trade-offs must be considered.”

Employees Nationwide Express No Surprise

Office workers across the country greeted the report with exhaustion and a collective nod. “I knew it,” sighed one software engineer. “I just sat through a two-hour meeting where the conclusion was ‘Let’s have another meeting.’”

One employee, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation from HR, described meetings as “the corporate version of detention,” where productivity is deliberately suspended to ensure no one leaves early.

Despite the data, many executives refuse to accept the findings. “Meetings are essential,” said corporate consultant Greg Wilcox. “Without them, how would we waste time pretending to collaborate before deciding on the same thing we were going to do anyway?”

Revolutionary Concept: ‘Just Send an Email’

Researchers suggest that instead of scheduling daily, weekly, and emergency meetings to discuss previous meetings, companies could try “just sending an email.” The idea has been met with resistance from managers, who claim that “synergy” and “alignment” require frequent face-to-face time.

“Sure, I haven’t done real work in three months,” admitted regional supervisor Karen Davies. “But that’s only because I’ve been too busy planning meetings about how we can improve efficiency.”

The study suggests that companies willing to cut meeting time by 50% will see a direct increase in morale, profits, and the likelihood that employees actually complete tasks instead of just discussing them. However, change is unlikely, as executives have already scheduled multiple meetings to review the study’s findings.

15 Humorous Observations About Meetings That Kill Productivity

• A meeting’s actual purpose is to stop you from working long enough to be assigned more work.
• “Let’s circle back on this” means “Let’s have the exact same meeting next week.”
• The only thing worse than a long meeting is a long meeting that ends with “We’ll discuss this later.”
• Meetings should start with a warning: “This will take 30 minutes and accomplish nothing.”
• A two-hour meeting that could have been an email? Classic corporate efficiency.
• Ever notice that people who schedule meetings never actually do any work?
• Meetings are like bad first dates—you already know you don’t want to be there.
• “Let’s put a pin in that” is code for “I will never think about this again.”
• If meetings were productive, employees wouldn’t spend them doodling.
• The biggest threat to productivity isn’t laziness—it’s “team check-ins.”
• A standing meeting means it’s recurring, not that you’re allowed to run away.
• The more important the meeting, the less important the content.
• The person who talks the most in a meeting is usually the least qualified.
• The only thing that outlasts meetings is radioactive waste.
• A meeting with no agenda is just forced socializing with coworkers.

5 Comedian One-Liners About Pointless Meetings

“Meetings are just the corporate version of waiting at the DMV—without the reward of getting a license.” – John Oliver

“I once had a meeting about how to have better meetings. That’s like having a therapy session about why your therapist is always late.” – Trevor Noah

“The fastest way to kill productivity is to call a meeting. The second fastest is Wi-Fi problems.” – Seth Meyers

“Nothing says ‘efficiency’ like a 30-minute PowerPoint that explains why we’re out of money.” – Stephen Colbert

“Meetings are where ideas go to die. If a meeting has a ‘parking lot’ for ideas, your idea has already been towed.” – Jimmy Fallon

Originally posted 2021-06-12 00:37:42.