Trump’s Mega-Prison Deal: America’s Newest Export Is… Inmates?

If you thought flying coach was bad, imagine a one-way ticket to La Mega-Prisión

In a groundbreaking geopolitical move that no one saw coming—except maybe in the darkest depths of a dystopian novel—Donald Trump has struck a deal to send American criminals to El Salvador’s infamous mega-prison. Yes, you heard that right. Forget deporting undocumented immigrants; we’re now deporting homegrown criminals to a foreign country because, apparently, even our own prisons aren’t great at being prisons anymore. In Trump’s America, crime doesn’t pay—but it does get frequent flyer miles.

“Only Trump could look at a maximum-security prison in El Salvador and think, ‘This place could use my branding.’” — Katy Room

El Salvador’s mega-prison, also known as The Guantanamo of Central America, has been hailed as a tough-on-crime masterpiece. It’s a place where overcrowding is a design feature, not a flaw, and the only time you get out is if you’ve got diplomatic immunity or a shovel. The real question: Is this a brilliant cost-saving measure or just a glorified reality show waiting to happen?

Let’s take a deep dive into how this new prison diplomacy works—and, of course, what Trump is saying about it.

Outsourcing Criminals Like a Call Center

Trump’s new plan to fight crime: outsource prisons like they’re customer service hotlines. “For English, press one. To be sent to El Salvador, press two.” The former president, famous for his real estate ventures, now sees jail cells as just another investment opportunity. Why build more prisons when we can outsource our problems like tech support?

While some critics argue that this is an outright human rights violation, Trump has already addressed those concerns. “We’re sending only the best criminals. The smartest. The toughest. The ones with tremendous experience. Everyone loves them.” Because nothing says Make America Great Again like exporting our homegrown crime to another hemisphere.

Air Trump: One-Way Tickets to Mega-Jail

If you thought flying coach was bad, imagine a one-way ticket to El Salvador’s La Mega-Prisión—no WiFi, no legroom, and the in-flight meal is just disappointment. And don’t even ask about the loyalty points—you’re not coming back.

ICE officials have reportedly been issued new instructions: Instead of deporting migrants, they’ll be deporting American convicts. Sources say there’s an internal handbook titled “Escape From America: A Guide to Making Crime Unpatriotic Again.”

As John Oliver put it: “You know the U.S. prison system is bad when criminals are getting deported to a more humane facility… in El Salvador.”

Trump’s Newest Real Estate Project: The Salvadoran Slammer

Trump saw El Salvador’s prison and said, “I love what you’ve done with the place. Can I get a Trump Tower suite in Cell Block C?” In what can only be described as a “reverse Mar-a-Lago”, Trump seems fascinated with mega-prisons—just as long as they aren’t holding his friends.

When asked about the conditions of the prison, Trump was quick to dismiss any concerns. “Look, folks, it’s beautiful. No rats, no leaks, just very strong walls. It’s tremendous, really. They’ve got bars—big, beautiful bars. Some people are saying it’s the best prison ever.”

As Trevor Noah put it: “Trump outsourcing our prisons is peak capitalism. ‘Why rehabilitate when you can offshore?’”

El Salvador’s President Warns: “We’re Full”

El Salvador’s President Nayib Bukele announced that the prison is 100% full. Trump’s response? “I can fit more people in. Have you seen my rallies?” Never one to be outdone, Trump believes that space is a mindset—even if that mindset violates several human rights treaties.

Prison officials are reportedly considering new “creative” solutions, such as bunk beds, underground tunnels, or simply stacking inmates like Amazon warehouse boxes. They call it “Efficient Justice.”

As Bill Maher put it: “They say the prison is full, but if you’ve ever been to a Trump rally, you know he can fit at least 10,000 more people into any space.”

U.S. Criminals Are Now Faking Canadian Accents

With the new policy in place, criminals across the U.S. are scrambling for solutions. Some have even started faking Canadian accents to avoid deportation. One inmate was overheard saying, “Oh, sorry, officer, I just took a wrong turn at the Tim Hortons!”

Immigration lawyers report an uptick in criminals applying for Canadian residency, with one applicant boldly stating, “I identify as a lumberjack. Please accept me, eh?” Justin Trudeau is reportedly not amused.

As Seth Meyers put it: “Sending American criminals to a Salvadoran supermax is like sending your kids to boarding school—except instead of SAT prep, it’s survival training.”

ICE Now America’s Worst Travel Agency

ICE is officially the worst travel agency ever: “Congratulations! You’ve been deported to the Guantanamo of Central America!” Unlike luxury deportations to Mar-a-Lago, this new system comes with zero amenities, zero appeal rights, and a 100% guarantee of regret.

Prisoners are reportedly trying to book return tickets, but Air Salvador doesn’t do round trips. It’s a one-way ride to a 24-hour lockdown suite. No refund policy.

As James Corden put it: “U.S. criminals being sent to El Salvador feels like an airline mix-up. ‘Sir, you booked a plea deal but got the prison tourism package instead.’”

Solitary Confinement: The Preferred Housing Option

Some inmates are now requesting solitary confinement just so they don’t have to share a room with the guy who got a Trump NFT tattoo. Prison officials are considering naming the solitary wing after Elon Musk, because it’s just a room full of people talking to themselves.

As Michael Che put it: “El Salvador’s prison has no recreational facilities, no exercise yard, and no sunlight—or as Twitter calls it, ‘a perfect work-from-home setup.’”

The Future of American Justice: Extradition or Exile?

Some are wondering if this is the future of American justice. Get caught shoplifting in Florida? Enjoy your extended stay in Central America! Trump insists this “makes America safer”, but critics say it just makes America someone else’s problem.

As Colin Jost put it: “Imagine getting caught shoplifting in Florida and ending up in a Salvadoran prison. That’s a very aggressive buy-one-get-one-free policy.”

Trump’s Final Words on the Deal

Trump called El Salvador’s prison “tremendous.” You know it’s bad when he starts describing a jail the way he describes his steaks. But hey, if this works out, who knows? Maybe next we’ll deport bad drivers to a Siberian driving school.

As Conan O’Brien put it: “Trump called El Salvador’s prison ‘tremendous.’ You know it’s bad when he starts describing a jail the way he describes his steaks.”

Final Thoughts: The Greatest Prison Deal Ever?

So, is this the greatest prison deal ever, or just another Trump reality show waiting to happen? Either way, buckle up, America. Because at this rate, we’ll be outsourcing Congress next.

Disclaimer: This article is a human collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer. No AI was used in the making of this satire. Any resemblance to real events is entirely coincidental—except for the parts that are 127% accurate.

15 Lines on El Salvador’s Mega-Prison and Trump’s Deal

• Trump’s new plan to fight crime: outsource prisons like they’re customer service hotlines. “For English, press one. To be sent to El Salvador, press two.”
• If you thought flying coach was bad, imagine a one-way ticket to La Mega-Prisión—no WiFi, no legroom, and the in-flight meal is just disappointment.
• Trump saw El Salvador’s prison and said, “I love what you’ve done with the place. Can I get a Trump Tower suite in Cell Block C?”
• Republicans are calling it a deterrent, but Democrats are just shocked Trump didn’t try to build condos on the prison yard first.
• Trump says criminals will “love it” in El Salvador. Sir, they are not vacationing at Mar-a-Lago; they are getting a scared-straight timeshare.
• “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” just got upgraded to “Don’t jaywalk or you might end up in a foreign supermax.”
• The only thing scarier than being sent to El Salvador’s mega-prison? Trying to get out through their customer service line.
• Some inmates are now requesting “solitary confinement” just so they don’t have to share a room with the guy who got a Trump NFT tattoo.
• ICE is officially the worst travel agency ever: “Congratulations! You’ve been deported to the Guantanamo of Central America!”
• El Salvador’s president, Nayib Bukele, said the prison is “100% full.” Trump responded, “I can fit more people in. Have you seen my rallies?”
• When you’re facing life in prison, suddenly “The Apprentice: Death Row Edition” sounds like a promising career move.
• Some of the prisoners were so desperate, they tried applying for jobs at McDonald’s just to get back to the U.S.
• U.S. criminals are now faking Canadian accents just to avoid getting extradited. “Oh, sorry, officer, I just took a wrong turn at the Tim Hortons!”
• Trump insists that “only the best criminals” will be sent to El Salvador. Finally, an immigration policy that actually targets Americans.
• Someone asked Trump if this deal was constitutional, and he responded, “I don’t read those things. Too many words. But I love the Second Amendment!”

10 Comedian Lines on El Salvador’s Mega-Prison

• “You know the U.S. prison system is bad when criminals are getting deported to a more humane facility… in El Salvador.” — John Oliver
• “Trump outsourcing our prisons is peak capitalism. ‘Why rehabilitate when you can offshore?’” — Trevor Noah
• “Sending American criminals to a Salvadoran supermax is like sending your kids to boarding school—except instead of SAT prep, it’s survival training.” — Seth Meyers
• “First they outsourced manufacturing jobs, now they’re outsourcing prison sentences. At this rate, we’ll be importing crime just to keep up.“ — Stephen Colbert
• “Trump’s prison deal proves one thing: He’ll do anything to cut costs—except on his lawyers.“ — Jimmy Kimmel
• “They say the prison is full, but if you’ve ever been to a Trump rally, you know he can fit at least 10,000 more people into any space.“ — Bill Maher
• “U.S. criminals being sent to El Salvador feels like an airline mix-up. ‘Sir, you booked a plea deal but got the prison tourism package instead.’” — James Corden
• “Imagine getting caught shoplifting in Florida and ending up in a Salvadoran prison. That’s a very aggressive buy-one-get-one-free policy.“ — Colin Jost
• “El Salvador’s prison has no recreational facilities, no exercise yard, and no sunlight—or as Twitter calls it, ‘a perfect work-from-home setup.’” — Michael Che