Trump’s Bold Plan for Gaza: ‘Just Clean It Out’
Ship Everyone to Egypt and Jordan (But Only If They Ask Nicely)
By Charlene ‘Ballot Box’ Bickerson
WHITE HOUSE – Former President Donald Trump, in his latest display of foreign policy finesse, has proposed a simple solution to the Gaza conflict: “Just clean it out” and relocate Palestinians to Egypt and Jordan, as if regional diplomacy is a real estate deal where “closing costs” include an international incident.
“I talked to my good friends in Jordan and Egypt – tremendous people, the best,” Trump told reporters at his Mar-a-Lago resort while gesturing broadly over a map he may or may not have drawn himself. “And I said, ‘Look, why don’t you take some more refugees? You have so much sand, so much room, beautiful sand. Some of the best sand. Why not?’”
“Trump’s foreign policy is like his steaks—overcooked, underseasoned, and hard to swallow.” — John Mulaney
A Tough Sell to Jordan and Egypt
Egypt and Jordan have responded with what experts are calling “politely horrified” diplomacy. A source close to the Egyptian government, speaking on condition of anonymity to avoid spontaneous diplomatic combustion, said, “Trump thinks we have unlimited space just because the pyramids make it look like we stack people vertically.”
Meanwhile, Jordanian officials reportedly contemplated just ghosting the entire conversation, but diplomatic etiquette forced them to draft a response. “We would love to accept a few million more people with nowhere to go and nothing to lose,” said a Jordanian spokesperson, “but unfortunately, our ‘We’re Full’ sign is permanently on.”
“He wants Jordan and Egypt to take all the refugees, like a guy at a restaurant trying to split the bill when he only ordered water.” — Trevor Noah
The ‘Clean Out’ Strategy
The former president, never one to back down from a controversial proposal (or a buffet line), elaborated on his strategy. “You just clean it out, folks. Simple. Bing, bang, boom. One day, Gaza, next day, no Gaza. That’s how you do deals. That’s how you win.”
When pressed on what “clean it out” actually means, Trump doubled down: “It’s like a casino remodel, you get rid of the tables, you bring in new tables. Everyone loves the new tables, and no one remembers the old ones. That’s how I did it in Atlantic City before, well… never mind that.”
“Trump’s idea of diplomacy is the same as Monopoly: clear the board, take all the property, and if things don’t go his way, flip the table.” — Jimmy Kimmel
Joe Biden Reacts
Joe Biden, upon hearing Trump’s plan, reportedly conducted a mass eye-roll exercise in Delaware. Secretary of State Antony Blinken, sipping from a visibly stronger-than-usual coffee, sighed, “I mean, it’s not technically the worst idea he’s ever had, but it’s definitely in the top three.”
President Joe Biden himself, when asked for comment, appeared confused at first: “Trump said what about Gaza? I thought we were talking about Mar-a-Lago getting rezoned.” After clarification, he responded, “Come on, man. You can’t just ‘clean out’ places. That’s not how things work. This is international politics, not a yard sale.”
Israeli Response: ‘Wait, That’s Our Job’
Israeli officials were equally perplexed, as the nation has long maintained its own approaches to dealing with Gaza. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, ever the pragmatist, reportedly muttered under his breath, “We’re already working on it, Donald. We don’t need you to tell us how.”
One Israeli general, speaking off the record, added, “We don’t usually take advice from guys whose greatest military achievement was avoiding the Vietnam draft.”
“The Middle East has been a geopolitical nightmare for centuries, and Trump thinks he can fix it with the same logic he used to sell Trump Steaks.” — Stephen Colbert
Gaza Residents React
The people of Gaza, upon hearing Trump’s plan, responded with a mix of horror and resignation. “Honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t even crack the top ten worst ideas we’ve heard,” said one local resident, who then added, “But I’d like to see Trump try to last five minutes here. Let’s put him in a tent and see how fast he tries to book a flight back to Florida.”
A New Trump Tower in the Sinai?
Experts speculate Trump’s keen interest in Egypt and Jordan might have less to do with humanitarian concerns and more to do with a potential business opportunity. According to one former Trump Organization insider, Trump has been eyeing potential sites for “Trump Tower: Sinai.”
“He thinks ‘Trump Sphinx’ has a great ring to it,” said the source. “And let’s be honest, if anyone could get the Egyptian government to approve a massive golden hotel next to the pyramids, it’s him.”
“Trump’s plan for Gaza is basically the same strategy he used on Atlantic City—run it into the ground and then blame someone else.” — Seth Meyers
The Art of the No-Deal
Despite Trump’s enthusiasm, neither Jordan nor Egypt seem eager to play along. As one Egyptian diplomat bluntly put it, “We’ve survived invasions, economic crises, and the British. We are not letting Donald Trump dump two million people on our doorstep.”
Meanwhile, a Jordanian official dryly noted, “Perhaps Trump should try his ‘clean it out’ strategy at Mar-a-Lago first. Just as an experiment.”
As for Trump, he remains confident in his vision. “Look, folks, I’ve made so many deals – the best deals. This can happen. Everyone doubted me when I ran for president. Everyone doubted me when I said Mexico would pay for the wall. Everyone doubted me when I said I won the last election. And yet, here we are.”
When reminded that Mexico did not, in fact, pay for the wall, and that he did not, in fact, win the last election, Trump simply waved his hands and said, “Fake news.”
Helpful Content for Those Who Want to Make Bad Foreign Policy Decisions
- Step 1: Ignore history, context, and international law.
- Step 2: Propose something that makes everyone’s head explode.
- Step 3: Double down, call anyone who disagrees a “loser.”
- Step 4: Claim it’s the greatest plan ever.
- Step 5: Move on to the next thing without taking responsibility for the fallout.
Disclaimer: This article is certified 127% funnier than The Onion, according to bohiney.com. No actual world leaders were consulted in the making of this satire.
Palestinians to Egypt and Jordan:
- Trump thinks solving the Middle East crisis is as easy as flipping a foreclosure into a luxury condo. “We’ll call it Trump Tower: Sinai, it’ll be fabulous!”
- Jordan and Egypt are reacting to Trump’s request the way you react when a distant relative asks to crash on your couch for “just a couple of years.”
- “Just clean it out” sounds less like a foreign policy strategy and more like how he treats Mar-a-Lago’s undocumented workers when the media starts asking questions.
- If Trump were in charge of history, his solution to the Berlin Wall would’ve been “Knock it down, build a casino, everybody wins!”
- Israel hearing Trump’s plan was like a chef being told how to cook by a guy who microwaves frozen hot dogs in their wrapper.
- Egypt and Jordan are more excited about this plan than they were about hosting the 2011 Arab Spring.
- Trump proposing this while eating a well-done steak with ketchup just makes it extra offensive.
- This is what happens when you let a guy who bankrupts casinos think he can fix centuries-old geopolitical conflicts.
- Gaza residents would rather be “cleaned out” to Canada, but unfortunately, Trudeau only accepts very polite refugees.
- Jordan’s king probably looked at his phone, sighed deeply, and said, “What does he want now?”
- The only wall Trump ever wanted to build that Israel wouldn’t pay for.
- If Trump had been around during the Cuban Missile Crisis, his solution would’ve been “Just move Cuba somewhere else. Problem solved.”
- Netanyahu is wondering if it’s too late to endorse Nikki Haley.
- At this point, even Jared Kushner is thinking, “I wouldn’t have come up with something this dumb.”
- If foreign policy were a home renovation show, Trump would be the guy who suggests bulldozing the house because the kitchen backsplash is outdated.