Donald Trump Rally Transcript:

Location: The Grand Ballroom, Undead Convention Center, Nightshade City
Date: August 14, 2024

[Trump strides to the podium, a large American flag waving behind him. He waves energetically to the crowd of animated, lumbering figures before him.]

Donald Trump: Thank you, thank you, everyone! It’s wonderful to be here tonight with so many… energetic supporters. I have to tell you, folks, this is a crowd like no other. Never seen anything like it. I know zombies have a bad rap, but let me tell you, they’re really something special. Tremendous!

[Audience groans and shuffles in approval.]

Donald Trump: Now, I know you’ve been hearing a lot of things about how zombies are, you know, not really people. And that’s just wrong! Zombies are people too, and they deserve to be treated with respect. They’re hardworking, they’re dedicated—just like me. And I’m here to tell you, we’re going to make America great again, for zombies too!

[Cheers from the zombie crowd, who can barely manage a slow clap.]

Donald Trump: First of all, let me tell you, I’ve heard from many, many people, the best people—really, the best—about how zombies are getting a raw deal. No more! We’re going to change that. We’re going to have the best zombie policies, believe me. People are talking about it, and they’re saying, “Wow, Trump really gets zombies!”

[He winks, though no one seems to notice.]

Donald Trump: We’re going to build a wall. A big, beautiful wall. And guess what? This wall is going to be so special, it’s going to be zombie-proof. You know why? Because it’s going to have the best brains—real brains, not fake ass brains. We’re going to have brainy walls, folks. Fantastic walls.

[Murmurs of approval and a few groans of confusion.]

Donald Trump: And let’s talk about healthcare. Zombies need healthcare too, folks. It’s very important. We’re going to have the best zombie healthcare plan, with free access to, uh, brain vitamins. Tremendous brain vitamins. You’re going to love it. I know a lot about healthcare, believe me. I know more than anyone, probably. It’s going to be great.

[The audience shuffles in agreement, some reaching for imaginary prescriptions.]

Donald Trump: Education is also important. We’re going to have the best zombie education system. The greatest. Zombies are going to be the smartest zombies. We’re talking top-tier zombie schools. No more being left out, no more slow learning. Everyone’s going to be learning, and it’s going to be fantastic. People are going to say, “Wow, these zombies are smart!”

[Some zombies attempt to form lines, struggling with coordination.]

Donald Trump: Now, let’s not forget jobs. Zombies need jobs too. We’re going to create millions of jobs for zombies. Jobs in, uh, brain-related fields, definitely. We’re going to have job fairs, the biggest job fairs. Zombies will have jobs, they’ll have respect, and they’ll be earning. Tremendous jobs, folks.

[Audience groans in appreciation, their enthusiasm waning slightly.]

Donald Trump: And law and order. Zombies need law and order. We’re going to have the best zombie law enforcement. No more rough treatment, no more, you know, being misunderstood. We’re going to have great zombie-friendly policies. We’ll work with the best zombie officers. They’ll be great, believe me. Everyone’s going to be safe.

[A few zombies stand a little straighter, as if imagining their new roles.]

Donald Trump: So remember, on Election Day, you’ve got a choice. You can go with someone who doesn’t understand zombies, or you can go with me—someone who truly, truly understands. I’m the only one who’s going to make sure zombies get what they deserve. And believe me, it’s going to be fantastic.

[Trump steps back from the podium, waving to the crowd. The zombies groan and shuffle, some making an attempt at applause.]

Donald Trump: Thank you! Thank you, everyone! Remember, you’ve got a great chance to make history. And together, we’ll make America great for zombies. Thank you, and have a fantastic night!

[Trump exits the stage, and the zombie crowd begins to disperse slowly.]

1. Free Brain Buffets: A nationwide network of brain buffets will be established, offering gourmet brain dishes and brain smoothies at every meal. “Delicious brains, folks—tremendous taste!”
2. Zombie Job Fairs: National zombie job fairs will be organized with positions specifically tailored to undead skills, like “Brain Collection Specialist” and “Graveyard Shift Supervisor.”
3. Zombie-Friendly Health Care: Implementation of a zombie-specific healthcare plan featuring free brain supplements, decomposing skin treatments, and annual “moaning” check-ups.
4. Brainy Wall Construction: The construction of a “Zombie-Proof Wall” featuring high-tech brain-repellent barriers to keep zombies safe from unwanted human interference.
5. Educational Advancement: Establishment of the “Undead University,” offering advanced courses in zombie history, brain anatomy, and “How to Shuffle Like a Pro.”
6. Zombie Rights Protection: Enactment of a “Zombie Bill of Rights” guaranteeing equal treatment, protection from “anti-zombie” prejudice, and a dedicated zombie liaison in every city.
7. Brain-Enhanced Infrastructure: Development of infrastructure projects like “Brain-Powered Streetlights” and “Zombie Pathways” to ensure safe and efficient travel for the undead community.
8. Undead Tax Breaks: Special tax incentives and deductions for zombies, including exemptions for “Brain Consumption” and “Ghoul Gear.”
9. Zombie Entertainment Centers: Creation of entertainment venues specifically for zombies, featuring brain-themed games, zombie dance parties, and “Slow Dance” competitions.
10. Zombie-Friendly Laws: Implementation of new laws that decriminalize slow shuffling, moaning in public, and midnight graveyard visits, while promoting zombie inclusion in all societal activities.