New Agency Compensates the Labor of Being American
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — American socialists have announced an ambitious plan to eliminate exhaustion by compensating citizens for experiencing it.
The revolutionary proposal follows complaints from voters who say employment, family responsibilities, household chores and the general inconvenience of existing have become emotionally overwhelming.
The National Exhaustion Compensation Act
“People are tired,” explained newly elected progressive assemblywoman Olivia Wellness. “They’re tired of working, tired of paying bills, tired of commuting and tired of being told that solving these problems might require getting up tomorrow and trying again.”
Wellness believes exhaustion should be officially recognized as an economically productive activity.
“Being tired is work,” she explained. “Sometimes it’s the only work people have the energy to do.”
Under the proposed National Exhaustion Compensation Act, adults will qualify for weekly payments based on the number of responsibilities they find emotionally demanding.
Answering emails will count toward exhaustion credits.
Shopping for groceries will generate additional credits.
Opening a medical bill will qualify for an emergency psychological hardship supplement.
Citizens who attempt to assemble furniture without professional assistance may be eligible for immediate disability-level emotional relief.
A Study the Authors Would Rather Not Discuss
A study by the Pacific Institute for Workforce Studies, cited in the bill’s preamble, found that 83 percent of adults feel “somewhat tired” on Mondays. The study did not ask whether they felt tired on other days. A footnote explains that this “was an oversight, and also a lot of work.”
The Federal Bureau of Restorative Napping
The government will also establish a Federal Bureau of Restorative Napping.
Its first director, former nonprofit consultant Tiffany Comfort, explained that American sleep patterns have historically reflected capitalist expectations.
“Why should people sleep only when they’re tired?” she asked. “We believe citizens should also sleep when they’re disappointed, frustrated, bored or avoiding important decisions.”
The department recommends a minimum of three restorative naps daily. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention publishes guidance on how much sleep adults need, and the Bureau described it as “a floor, not a ceiling, and also a suggestion.”
Can Employers Keep Production Running on Inspiration?
Employers expressed concern about how work would be completed.
Comfort reassured them that productivity would remain an important national priority.
“We’ll create incentives,” she said.
“Financial incentives?” asked a factory owner.
“No. Inspirational incentives.”
The government plans to distribute posters reading, “You Are Enough,” to every manufacturing facility in America.
A manufacturing executive questioned whether the posters would operate the machinery.
“Not directly,” Comfort acknowledged. “But they can supervise the machinery’s emotional environment.”
A plant supervisor in Ohio, who asked not to be named because he’d been told the posters would soon be mandatory, said the first batch had already arrived. “They’re laminated,” he said. “That’s about the most efficient thing the government’s ever sent us.”
Replacing Monday With a Second Sunday
Meanwhile, the Department of Labor will study whether Monday mornings disproportionately discriminate against people who prefer weekends.
Early recommendations include replacing Mondays with a second Sunday.
Tuesday will then be renamed Monday to maintain consistency with existing payroll software.
When workers complain about the new Monday, officials will establish a commission to investigate the cultural history of Tuesdays.
Minutes from the commission’s inaugural session, a draft of which was reviewed by reporters, record that members “agreed that Tuesdays have been misunderstood” and then voted to adjourn “to rest from the effort.”
A Hearing Adjourned Due to Intellectual Fatigue
The proposal has already attracted enthusiastic support from people who believe exhaustion should exempt them from ordinary obligations.
At a public hearing, a constituent asked whether paying people to rest might encourage more people to report feeling tired.
Assemblywoman Wellness dismissed the concern.
“That’s like saying providing free umbrellas encourages rain.”
Economists attempted to explain the difference between weather and financial incentives. The Library of Economics and Liberty’s overview of public choice covers the subject at length, and was handed out at the hearing. Nobody finished it.
The hearing was adjourned because several committee members reported intellectual fatigue.
Officials subsequently announced that the National Exhaustion Compensation Act would be delayed.
The reason?
The people responsible for implementing it needed a break.
Five Humorous Observations
- “Being tired is work.” No, being tired is what happens after the work. That’s like claiming your hangover is a job and asking for the weekend rate.
- Opening a medical bill qualifies for an emergency psychological hardship supplement. Finally, the government acknowledges the real trauma. Not the illness. The envelope.
- Three naps a day recommended. That’s not a government policy. That’s a golden retriever with a congressional seat.
- They want to turn Monday into a second Sunday and rename Tuesday “Monday.” That’s not scheduling, that’s witness protection for the worst day of the week.
- The hearing ended because committee members got “intellectually fatigued.” Every public meeting in America has ended with that. The only difference is that this one got the honest minutes.