Texas Sheriff Offers to Test Tony Romo’s Jury, Guarantees Every Juror Will Fail
Visiting lawman says universal police-academy standards can detect intoxication in anyone possessing knees, opinions or detectable breathing
A Texas sheriff has offered to travel to Wisconsin and administer roadside sobriety tests to every potential juror in the Tony Romo case, confidently guaranteeing that not one American citizen will pass.
Sheriff Buck “Probable Cause” Tolliver said the demonstration would prove that field sobriety tests are scientifically capable of detecting impairment in drunk people, sober people, nervous people, retired athletes and anyone standing on an uneven surface near a police officer.
“We can fail the whole jury before lunch,” Tolliver said. “Give me twelve citizens, one flashlight and a painted line, and I’ll give you twelve deeply suspicious pedestrians.”
A Test Everybody Can Pass Is Useless, Sheriff Explains
The sheriff explained that universal test difficulty is a central principle taught at police academy field sobriety training.
“A test everybody can pass is useless,” he said. “The public might start thinking innocence has measurable characteristics.”
Under Tolliver’s proposed jury-screening system, prospective jurors would be instructed to stand on one leg, count backward, follow a pen with their eyes and walk heel-to-toe while six uniformed officers stared at them with the facial expression of men who had already completed the paperwork.
Any wobble would indicate impairment.
Perfect balance would indicate deliberate overcompensation.
Asking for clarification would demonstrate confusion.
Understanding the instructions immediately would suggest prior experience with police.
“You cannot outsmart standardized procedure,” Tolliver said. “The procedure has already decided what your behavior means.”
Advanced Roadside Interpretation Week Adds Three More Tests
The sheriff promised to bring several additional evaluations taught during Advanced Roadside Interpretation Week.
In the first, jurors would be asked whether they felt nervous.
Those answering yes would be deemed unusually anxious.
Those answering no would be deemed unnaturally calm.
Anyone saying “a little” would be accused of minimizing symptoms.
The second test would require jurors to recite the alphabet without singing. Tolliver said most Americans would fail because schools irresponsibly teach children the alphabet as a song, creating generations of musically dependent suspects.
The final examination would involve standing beside a patrol car at midnight while trying to remember whether the officer said eight steps, nine steps or nine steps followed by eight steps in the opposite direction.
“That one catches everybody,” Tolliver said proudly. “Especially people who listened carefully.”
Wisconsin Officials Raise Jury Selection Concerns
Wisconsin officials reportedly expressed concern that failing the entire jury could complicate jury selection.
Tolliver dismissed the objection.
“You just keep testing people until you find twelve citizens who fail in an impartial manner.”
Legal scholars said the proposal raises questions about confirmation bias, due process and whether physical coordination should determine civic eligibility.
Tolliver called those concerns “lawyer gymnastics” and immediately requested that the scholars perform actual gymnastics beside the highway.
The sheriff also offered to test the judge, attorneys, bailiff and courtroom sketch artist.
“The beauty of the system is consistency,” he said. “Everybody fails equally.”
Asked whether he himself could pass, Tolliver declined on professional grounds.
“Officers don’t take the test,” he explained. “We understand how subjective it is.”
Disclaimer
This is satire about testing standards and an unresolved legal matter. Tony Romo remains entitled to due process. The story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.