Government replaces arrest and trial with obliteration via military ordinance
It turns out, when a person is on a target list, the best course of action isn’t arrest, trial, or even a sternly worded letter it’s obliteration via military ordinance. The logic is simple: if you’re on a list, you must be dangerous. How else do we differentiate a cocaine smuggler from an ambitious amateur fisherman?
Residents near the Gulf reported seeing explosions in the distance and assuming it was just another Fourth of July. “At first, we thought it was fireworks,” said local gas station owner Bob “Nope” Jenkins. “Then we realized it was actual missiles.”
Slippery Slope Concerns
Critics argue that this is a slippery slope. Today’s speedboat, tomorrow’s ferry to Cuba, and eventually, perhaps, grandma’s pedal boat. Officials, however, insist the approach is “measured” and “targeted,” which in military speak translates to: “We hope for the best.”
Constitutional law experts at Georgetown Law have raised concerns about due process violations, noting that “being on a list” is not typically considered sufficient grounds for execution in civilian courts.
Viral TikToks and Public Reaction
Satirical political observers point out that the approach conveniently solves three problems: eliminating drug traffic, terrifying the general population, and creating viral TikToks of boat explosions. Indeed, some civilians reported cheering after witnessing a boat hit. One bystander yelled, “Finally! Someone’s enforcing the rules!”
Military Transparency Questions
The Pentagon has refused to release details about how individuals get added to target lists, citing “operational security.” Critics suggest this is code for “we don’t want to explain our spreadsheet logic.”
As Sarah Silverman said about government lists, “Being on a list used to mean you’d get extra mail. Now it means you might get extra dead. That’s quite an upgrade in consequences.”