The Panama Canal: The Ultimate Drain’ Meets ‘The Art of the Deal’
From Golden Bridges to Cruise Ship Zones, Trump’s Vision for the Canal Raises Eyebrows—and Oceans.
Written in Panama City, Panama, by Clara Contrarian
Panama City, Panama – In a development that has historians scratching their heads and Panamanians holding their breath, former President Donald Trump has reportedly set his sights on the Panama Canal, calling it “the ultimate drain” and “a tremendous opportunity for branding.”
Long considered one of the world’s greatest engineering feats, the Panama Canal connects the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. Trump’s interest in the canal has sparked speculation about what his involvement might mean—golden bridges? Cruise ship exclusivity? A Trump Tower hotel perched precariously over the locks?
Here’s a look at Trump’s potential plans and the reactions they’ve inspired.
Trump called the Panama Canal “the ultimate drain,” which really resonated with his supporters.
“The Ultimate Drain” Resonates with His Base
During a recent rally, Trump referred to the Panama Canal as “the ultimate drain,” a phrase that instantly resonated with his supporters. The comment sparked a wave of memes, with one depicting Trump holding a plunger next to the canal with the caption, “Draining the Oceans.”
“It’s a tremendous drain,” Trump elaborated. “Nobody does drains like America. And Panama? Great country. But they’re not using the canal to its full potential. We could be making billions. Billions!”
Renaming the Canal: “The Trump Waterway”
Rumors quickly spread that Trump wanted to rename the Panama Canal “The Trump Waterway.” The idea, while met with laughter online, didn’t sit well with Panamanians.
“The canal is a symbol of our sovereignty,” said Maria Gonzalez, a historian in Panama City. “Calling it ‘The Trump Waterway’ would be like renaming the Eiffel Tower ‘The Trump Tower.’ Oh wait, he’d probably want to do that too.”
Boats vs. Submarines: A Trumpian Quandary
When advisors explained that the canal connects two oceans and facilitates maritime trade, Trump reportedly asked, “But do they use it for boats or submarines? Big difference.”
Experts were left speechless. “It’s for boats, of course,” said maritime historian Dr. Luis Ortega. “Though now I’m terrified he’ll suggest adding a submarine water slide.”
Modernizing with a Golden Bridge
Trump proposed “modernizing” the canal by adding a golden bridge, saying it would “really scream Trump” and attract tourists. Engineers pointed out that a bridge spanning the canal could disrupt shipping traffic.
“Traffic is great,” Trump said. “Everyone loves traffic. Traffic means people. People mean money. It’s a win-win.”
Toll Booths Every 50 Feet
Panamanians joked that if Trump took over the canal, it would have toll booths every 50 feet.
“We’re already paying fees to use the canal,” said Pedro Martinez, a shipping company manager. “If Trump’s involved, I’m worried he’ll charge extra just to put his name on the receipt.”
“The Best Water Traffic in the World”
Trump declared that owning the Panama Canal would give America “the best water traffic in the world,” though he didn’t clarify what that meant.
Shipping companies were less enthusiastic. “The canal already handles significant global trade,” said Martinez. “I don’t know what he thinks he’s improving—unless he’s adding jet skis.”
A Cruise Ship-Only Zone?
Critics worry that Trump’s involvement might turn the canal into a cruise ship-only zone. “He loves catering to the ultra-wealthy,” said environmental activist Daniela Ruiz. “What’s stopping him from banning cargo ships and replacing them with yachts?”
Trump reportedly dismissed such concerns, saying, “Cruise ships are classy. Cargo? Not so much.”
Trump Tower in the Canal
Perhaps the most outlandish idea was Trump’s proposal to build a Trump Tower hotel right in the middle of the canal. “For convenience,” he explained.
Architects immediately flagged the idea as a logistical nightmare. “A skyscraper in the middle of a canal? It’s like putting a toll booth on an airplane runway,” said Panamanian architect Sofia Delgado.
Locks? “What is this, a Treasure Chest?”
When told the canal operates on locks to raise and lower ships, Trump reportedly said, “Locks? What is this, a treasure chest?”
Engineers tried to explain the intricacies of canal mechanics, but Trump waved them off. “I’ve got a better idea,” he said. “How about water elevators? Big, beautiful water elevators.”
Golf Course Water Hazards?
Trump called the canal “tremendous,” mostly because it reminded him of golf course water hazards. “It’s like a giant sand trap, but with water,” he said. “You know, I’ve always loved water hazards. They add character.”
Golf enthusiasts joked online that Trump might try turning the canal into the world’s longest golf course.
Flooding Both Oceans
Panamanians expressed concerns that Trump’s meddling could lead to an ecological disaster. “If he touches the canal, he might flood both oceans,” said environmentalist Carlos Vega.
Trump dismissed the warning, saying, “You can’t flood an ocean. They’re already full of water. Everybody knows that.”
“Ecosystems Love Me!”
Environmentalists pointed out that the canal impacts ecosystems, particularly in the surrounding rainforests. Trump’s response? “Ecosystems love me! Nobody’s done more for ecosystems than I have.”
Critics were quick to retort. One viral tweet read, “Ecosystems are filing for a restraining order.”
Privatizing the Canal
Trump suggested privatizing the canal and putting his face on every ship’s sail. “Think about it,” he said. “Every ship that goes through the canal has my face on it. It’s branding genius.”
Panamanians were less enthused. “We’d rather build a wall around the canal than let him near it,” said local activist Mariana Lopez.
Historical Significance: “I’m the Best at History”
When asked if he understood the canal’s historical significance, Trump replied, “I know history. I’m the best at history. It’s a big deal because I say so.”
Historians begged to differ. “He doesn’t seem to grasp the complexities of the canal’s history,” said Gonzalez. “But then again, maybe that’s for the best.”
Panama Responds: Thanks, But No Thanks
Panama’s government has yet to issue an official statement on Trump’s interest in the canal, but the sentiment among locals is clear: Thanks, but no thanks.
“We’ve been through enough,” said Martinez. “The canal is fine as it is. It doesn’t need golden bridges, cruise-only zones, or water elevators. And it definitely doesn’t need a Trump Tower.”
Disclaimer:
This satirical article is intended for entertainment purposes only. No canals, ecosystems, or submarines were harmed in the making of this story.
15 Observations About Trump Eyeing the Panama Canal
- Trump called the Panama Canal “the ultimate drain,” which really resonated with his supporters.
- Rumor has it Trump wanted the canal so he could rename it “The Trump Waterway.”
- When told the canal connects two oceans, Trump reportedly asked, “But do they use it for boats or submarines? Big difference.”
- Trump wanted to “modernize” the Panama Canal by adding a golden bridge that “really screams Trump.”
- Panamanians joked that if Trump took over, the canal would have toll booths every 50 feet.
- Trump said owning the Panama Canal would give America “the best water traffic in the world.”
- Critics warned that Trump’s involvement might mean turning the canal into a cruise ship-only zone.
- Trump’s plan included adding a Trump Tower hotel right in the middle of the canal, “for convenience.”
- When told the canal operates on locks, Trump allegedly said, “Locks? What is this, a treasure chest?”
- Trump called the canal “tremendous,” mostly because it reminded him of golf course water hazards.
- Panamanians warned Trump against meddling, worried he might accidentally flood both oceans.
- Environmentalists pointed out that the canal impacts ecosystems, to which Trump replied, “Ecosystems love me!”
- Trump suggested “privatizing the canal” and putting his face on every ship’s sail.
- Panamanians joked they’d rather build a wall around the canal than let Trump near it.
- When asked if he understood the canal’s historical significance, Trump said, “I know history. I’m the best at history. It’s a big deal because I say so.”
Trump Eyeing the Panama Canal – Image Gallery
