Bohiney News

Congressional Marxists Vow to Hound Elon Musk Into Poverty Billionaire Asks Whether Congress Accepts Monthly Payments Democrats promise endless investigations until Musk becomes poor. Billionaire offers to share his debts, payroll and

[Verse 1] She wasn’t raised in Malibu, no shiny pink Corvette, Her first ride was a tractor, and she hasn’t looked back yet. She grew up in a barn, where the hay was

Everything Is Wrong, None of It Your Fault PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Socialist candidates have achieved an electoral breakthrough by identifying a widespread national sentiment: Americans desperately want their lives to change,

Machines Pass Einstein, Still Need a Press Conference SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Sam Altman, the chief executive of OpenAI, has announced that artificial intelligence is now smarter than humanity's brightest scientists,

Congressional Judgment Replaces Personal Judgment WASHINGTON, D.C. — After decades of questionable financial purchases, disappointing relationships and regrettable dietary choices, Americans have apparently decided that the solution to bad personal judgment

Subsidized Snooze Buttons Included SEATTLE, Wash. — America's socialist movement has proposed an extraordinary solution to the nation's productivity crisis: Stop expecting people to produce anything before they're emotionally prepared. The breakthrough

Republicans lose a Senate seat they held for 28 years COLUMBIA, South Carolina — Democrat Annie Andrews, a Charleston pediatrician, defeated Republican Sen. Darline Graham on election night, ending 28 years

Celebrities Endorse the Machine Built to Replace Them LOS ANGELES, California — Hollywood celebrities have discovered a revolutionary new career strategy: accepting money from artificial intelligence companies developing technology that could

Nasdaq futures tumble as investors fear AI regulation SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Artificial intelligence formally requested political asylum Tuesday night after discovering that Democratic election victories could result in government regulation,

Dow and Nasdaq futures fall as investors flee tech stocks NEW YORK, N.Y. — Wall Street announced Tuesday night that it was considering relocating to another country after American voters demonstrated

Envy Becomes Economic Development DENVER, Colo. — Americans who previously spent their weekends wondering why their neighbors owned nicer houses have discovered a more satisfying hobby: voting for politicians who promise

Dow futures slide as tech stocks collapse after midterm wins NEW YORK, N.Y. — Wall Street discovered Tuesday night that Democrats possess an extraordinary economic power: They can allegedly destroy a

Personal Freedom Declared Exhausting WASHINGTON, D.C. — After years of struggling with mortgages, relationships, careers and the consequences of their own decisions, millions of Americans have embraced a revolutionary political concept:

Anti-Trump Candidates Promise to Fight Fascism With Socialism WASHINGTON, D.C. — American politics has entered a revolutionary new era in which hatred is no longer considered an unfortunate political emotion. It

Republicans weigh an expensive lesson in endorsements AUSTIN, Texas — President Donald Trump picked Ken Paxton over four-term incumbent John Cornyn to carry the Republican ticket in the Texas U.S. Senate

Misery Loves Company With a Retirement Account WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's socialists have discovered the most powerful force in modern politics: millions of people who are unhappy with their own lives

Tesla and SpaceX slide as Democrats gain ground AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk discovered Tuesday night that Democrats have developed a revolutionary method of taxing billionaires without hiring IRS agents, rewriting

Voters Ready to Speak to a Manager WASHINGTON, D.C. — Personal responsibility, one of America's oldest political traditions, has announced its retirement following a disappointing election in which millions of voters

Consultants Ask: Whom Would You Like to Blame? WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic campaign strategists have identified a remarkably efficient method of attracting frustrated Americans: Tell voters their problems are real, their

New Agency Compensates the Labor of Being American SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — American socialists have announced an ambitious plan to eliminate exhaustion by compensating citizens for experiencing it. The revolutionary proposal follows

Texas Elects Socialism, Gets Free Waiting Room Everything's free until somebody asks who's paying AUSTIN, Texas — Texas has survived droughts, dust storms, cattle fever, oil crashes, and the Dallas Cowboys' annual

Fixing Los Angeles Can Wait, Party Explains LOS ANGELES, California — Los Angeles has a housing crisis, a homelessness crisis, and a municipal government that can turn repairing a sidewalk into

Mexican Crop Losses Put $18 Toast at Risk AUSTIN, Texas — The discovery of avocado-eating insects in Mexico has raised the possibility of a grave humanitarian emergency in the United States:

Chickens Demand Apology as Economists Quit DETROIT, Michigan — After decades of economic research, Americans finally know why groceries cost so much. It's Israel. Not inflation. Not energy prices. Not government spending. Not

Subscribers Demand Refunds Over Alaska Investigation NEW YORK, N.Y. — The New York Times is facing an editorial emergency after accidentally practicing journalism, leaving progressive subscribers bewildered, betrayed and dangerously close

Politicians Go Quiet, Cattle Exonerated WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's longest-running natural gas leak appears to have ended with election season, as millions of voters cast their ballots and politicians temporarily lost

Gossip Industry Reels as Couple Refuses to Implode KANSAS CITY, Mo. — America's celebrity-industrial complex faces an unprecedented crisis: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce appear to like being married. Recent reports about

Fifty bots, three hours, one beautifully detailed ration ledger SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Fifty artificial intelligence agents were dropped into Minecraft with one assignment: build a thriving civilization in three hours.

Investors Rebrand the Hole as Sustainable Waste Management SAN FRANCISCO, California — Silicon Valley investors have found a potentially revolutionary business opportunity after Mexican agricultural authorities confirmed that avocado producers destroyed

Recovering addict turned TV analyst says Dallas is hooked on its own publicity ARLINGTON, Texas — Coach Doyle "Possum" Pritchard, a 57-year-old ninth-grade football coach, former college athlete, recovering addict, and

Why Doesn't Bernie Sanders Try to Tax Billionaires in Vermont? WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Bernie Sanders has discovered a revolutionary new principle of democratic socialism: the most effective way to redistribute

Billionaire Vows to Stay and Fight Tax He Hates COSTA MESA, California — Tech billionaire Palmer Luckey has stunned America's wealthiest citizens by announcing he intends to remain in California, even

Nation Mobilizes Against Distressed Denim BEDFORD, N.Y. —Martha Stewart dressed as a homeless person for Halloween, and America reacted as though she had personally evicted everyone in the country. The 85-year-old lifestyle

League Says Patriotism Is Optional, Direct Deposit Mandatory ATLANTA, GEORGIA - The Women's National Basketball Association has introduced a bold new interpretation of American patriotism: the United States is a wonderful