New Department of Emotional Equity Opens Files
NEW YORK, N.Y. — America’s socialist movement has identified a previously overlooked form of inequality: Some people appear to be enjoying themselves, and nobody has established whether they have permission.
Following electoral victories powered by widespread public dissatisfaction, progressive officials announced plans to regulate happiness through a national system of Emotional Equity Assessments.
Emotional Equity Assessments: How They Work
The initiative will establish acceptable happiness levels based on income, educational background, neighborhood demographics and proximity to people who are having a bad day.
“Nobody should be excessively cheerful while other Americans are struggling,” explained newly elected councilwoman Rebecca Fairness. “Unregulated happiness is essentially emotional hoarding.”
Fairness unveiled the proposal while standing beside a government-approved motivational poster featuring six people smiling with precisely identical expressions.
The Department Will Monitor Weddings, Graduations and Anniversaries
The Department of Emotional Equity will monitor social media photographs, wedding receptions, graduation ceremonies and restaurant anniversaries for evidence of disproportionate enjoyment.
Citizens displaying excessive happiness may be required to attend mandatory empathy workshops.
The workshops will be conducted in windowless conference rooms under fluorescent lighting to ensure that participants understand the experiences of ordinary government employees.
From the Investigation Report
A preliminary investigation has already identified one suburban family as particularly suspicious.
The Hendersons own a modest home, maintain a backyard vegetable garden and regularly eat dinner together.
“They appear disturbingly content,” reported departmental investigator Marcus Balance. “We haven’t found any evidence of structural injustice in their household, which is itself extremely troubling.”
The department’s written report on the family, a copy of which was obtained by reporters, lists “tomatoes” and “grace before dinner” under findings, and recommends a follow-up visit “during a weekday, when morale is naturally lower.”
The family was ordered to submit documentation explaining how they achieved a stable marriage without federal assistance.
Mr. Henderson reportedly answered that he apologized when he was wrong and took out the garbage without being asked.
Officials rejected the explanation as insufficiently progressive.
“That sounds suspiciously like personal responsibility,” Balance warned.
The Luxury Emotion Tax
The movement has also proposed a Luxury Emotion Tax on individuals demonstrating excessive confidence, optimism or satisfaction with their employment. The Internal Revenue Service’s statistics already record what Americans earn, a gap the department intends to close by recording what they enjoy.
A person smiling while driving to work would receive a warning.
Someone whistling while mowing the lawn could face additional assessments.
A man happily repairing his own plumbing would be referred to counseling for exhibiting dangerous levels of self-reliance.
Critics Note That Happiness Is Not a Finite Resource
Campaign strategists insist the initiative addresses genuine social concerns.
The difficulty, according to independent critics, is that happiness is not a finite commodity.
One person’s successful marriage does not prevent somebody else from getting married, just as one person’s vacation in Hawaii does not force everyone else to visit Cleveland.
Councilwoman Fairness dismissed this reasoning.
“That’s what privileged people always say when they’re asked to surrender their privileges.”
Dr. Walter Pennington, a retired psychology professor, said the department’s premise runs against decades of research. “Studies of well-being consistently find that people are happier when they have control over their own lives,” he said. “The department seems to have read that and gone the other direction at full speed.”
Politicians Exempt Themselves From Happiness Rules
Asked whether she personally enjoyed winning her election, Fairness hesitated.
“Of course. I’m very happy.”
Reporters immediately questioned whether celebrating her victory violated the proposed Emotional Equity Standards.
The councilwoman consulted her legal adviser.
After a tense discussion, officials announced that the new happiness regulations would exempt politicians celebrating electoral success.
“Leadership requires certain emotional privileges,” Fairness explained.
Meanwhile, residents were encouraged to report neighbors who appeared suspiciously satisfied with their lives.
The department’s proposed emergency hotline will operate around the clock.
Unless the employees are happy with their shifts.
Then the department will investigate them.
Five Humorous Observations
- They’re going to monitor wedding receptions for excessive joy. I’ve been to weddings. The only thing excessive at a wedding is the chicken-or-fish decision and my Uncle Ray at the open bar.
- A family got investigated because they eat dinner together and grow tomatoes. In my house, that’s called “Sunday,” and nobody’s ever been arrested for it, though my brother came close at the potato salad.
- “Unregulated happiness is emotional hoarding.” Lady, I’ve got fourteen reusable bags from the grocery store in my trunk, and I’m still not happy. Come audit that.
- Whistling while mowing the lawn gets you a warning. Finally, somebody found a way to make yard work worse.
- The politician gets to be happy because “leadership requires emotional privileges.” That’s the only rule they’ve ever followed, the one that says the rules are for the people who aren’t in the room.