DIY Taxidermy
“I Was Just Trying to Stuff a Squirrel. Now It Knows My Secrets.”
Gerald Yancy, a 42-year-old insurance adjuster and amateur horror fan, decided to teach himself taxidermy after watching three YouTube tutorials, one of which was subtitled in Russian and another hosted by a guy named “Cletus the Mountinator.” Armed with a butter knife, sewing kit, and questionable ambition, Gerald attempted to mount a deceased squirrel found near his driveway. What he produced has been described by experts as “Frankenstein meets Etsy meets deep regret.”
“It started normal,” Gerald explained. “Then I ran out of squirrel parts and used a ferret tail, a rabbit ear, and a doll’s eye I found in my junk drawer. I call him Lenny.”
Lenny, a vaguely mammalian construct now propped on Gerald’s nightstand, features mismatched fur patches, one human tooth, and a Bluetooth speaker hidden in its chest cavity that plays whale sounds when touched. Gerald insists it’s helped his anxiety. “When I get overwhelmed, I pet Lenny and scream into his face. He absorbs the vibes.”
Friends are concerned. “He brings it to brunch,” said coworker Debra. “And he asked if Lenny could get his own seat.”
Local taxidermists are outraged. “This isn’t preservation,” said Ricky Tann, president of the Midwest Guild of Ethical Stuffing. “It’s an abomination. It looks like roadkill and a Build-a-Bear had a custody battle.”
Animal control was dispatched after a neighbor reported seeing Lenny “glowing faintly” and “sighing in Latin.” Authorities found no threat, but advised Gerald to “put the butter knife down and step away from the beaver pelt.”
Lenny now has his own Instagram account (@LennyTheWatchful), a line of therapeutic plushies labeled “Mildly Sentient Comfort,” and a small cult following of emotionally unstable hobbyists who describe him as “the patron saint of poor judgment and powerful healing.”
Gerald has doubled down. “I’m starting a business: Patchwork Companions. We make what life forgot to finish.” He’s currently sourcing supplies from antique stores and “animals with good vibes who died naturally near my property.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
