An 18.4-cent holiday would shave the sign by less than a quarter and land squarely on Election Day season. WASHINGTON - He's thinking about suspending the federal gas tax. Four weeks

Breaking: President's Hair Achieves Full Weave Status While Left's Hair Achieves Full Emotional Breakdown Status Las Vegas, NV — In a stunning act of personal grooming that has once again broken

Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of

Mitch McConnell: He's Alive, and the Internet Morons Are Furious About It Professional Conspiracy Theorists Forced to Return to Square One After Man Continues Existing WASHINGTON. Mitch McConnell has made the unforgivable mistake

Bernie Sanders Replacement for Platner Too Conservative to Have Ever Dated Anyone Maine Democrats Discover Their Revolutionary Candidate Has Apparently Held Opinions Before Tuesday AUGUSTA, Maine. In a development that has left progressive

Director Solves The Odyssey Problems by Ignoring People Who Haven't Seen the Movie Critics Furious Christopher Nolan Refuses to Rewrite Three-Hour Epic Based Entirely on Trailer Comments HOLLYWOOD. Christopher Nolan has reportedly unveiled

Rain Delay Declared Greatest MARXIST Victory EVER! WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats reportedly spent several glorious minutes celebrating what party strategists described as "the greatest REJECTION of Donald Trump since the mute button

Silicon Valley Discovers That Replacing Humans Is Fine Until the Humans Find Out Five humorous observations immediately emerged from America's growing AI backlash, right after tech billionaires discovered that laying off

Project Freedom Lasts 14 Minutes Before White House Discovers Wars Don't Have Pause Buttons Trump Launches Historic Military Operation, Cancels It Before Coffee Gets Cold In what defense analysts are now calling "the

Ranked: Britain's Most (and Least) Romantically Combustible Couples — From Thermonuclear to Thermostat Alright, let's stroll through British romance… which, historically, has about as much warmth as a stone castle in

📰 THE DAILY QUESTIONER "We Asked the Questions Everyone Is Thinking, and Immediately Got Uninvited to Three Dinner Parties" The war rolls on. The headlines pile up. And somewhere between the breaking

Pentagon Announces War Strategy Now Powered by "Ctrl + Enter" Washington, D.C. — In a development that would have sounded like science fiction just five years ago and sounds like a group

Five Observations About the Khamenei Era and Student Protest Culture Students in Iran appear to be the only people in the Middle East who can simultaneously study engineering, dodge tear

Iran Has "Plan" to Spread Regional War Because Someone Misread Strategy Memo as Party Invite War Planners Say "Chaos" Was On The Agenda Right After Lunch and Before Happy Hour 🍟📈 In

GPT Goes to the Dogs and Starts Lying About It A Satirical Dispatch From the Front Lines of Human vs. Machine Truth In a world where a toaster can fake its own

Democrats Shocked to Learn "Abolish ICE" Wasn't Meant as a Light Metaphor Democratic leaders across the country expressed sudden, synchronized confusion this week after federal authorities confirmed that a woman in

This Cop's 40-Metre Handgun Shot Did What Physics Said Was Impossible—And Made Every Marksman Question Their Life Choices Here's a full satirical article using your outline and the historical context of

Brussels Summit Declares "Progress" as Moscow Confirms "Autoreply" Functionality EU Leaders Confirm 'Incremental Forward Momentum' in Peace NegotiationsBRUSSELS--European Union officials have successfully concluded the 47th round of "Peace Facilitation Dialogue" for

Religious Texts vs. Reality Check on Female Virginity If you think keeping track of the stock market is complicated, try keeping track of female virginity across the globe. Somewhere in a

From Kandahar to Cardboard Boxes: The American Dream With PTSD Picture this: a man cradles a rifle under moonless Kandahar skies, creeping through mud, darkness, and moral ambiguity. Four years later,

Government replaces arrest and trial with obliteration via military ordinance It turns out, when a person is on a target list, the best course of action isn't arrest, trial, or even

When Your AI Becomes Too Human A Satirical Analysis of Emotional Chatbot Risks The axios.com article reports that OpenAI's latest model (marketed as "warmer," more "conversational" and "emotionally aware") has triggered concern.

Cameron Adams Triggers Media Meltdown Over Trump's "Third World" Thanksgiving Post By Junglepussy & Heidi Ladein Somewhere between the pumpkin pie and Aunt Marge's politically incorrect cranberry sauce, President Donald J. Trump decided Thanksgiving

International Diplomacy Proves That Process Substitutes Perfectly Well for Actual Results The Ceasefire That's Always Imminent But Never Arrives Gaza ceasefire negotiations have entered the 'final stage' this week, which is great

Operation Southern Spear Announced — Pentagon Promises to Beat the Narcos at Their Own Salsa Dance The Pentagon has unveiled "Operation Southern Spear," a new military initiative designed to combat drug trafficking in

Why Marxist Politicians Can't Stay Faithful: The de Blasio Disaster Former NYC Mayor's Alleged Affair Exposes Pattern Among Left-Wing Leaders In a stunning display of progressive hypocrisy that would make even Andrew Cuomo

Progressive Activists Mix Policy, Passion, and Slightly Aggressive Energy Furious Progressives Swarm Schumer's Job With Zeal and Memes Progressive activists reportedly intensified pressure on Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, blending policy critiques

Trump to Meet NYC's Mayor-Elect — He Promises to Bring His Best Dad Jokes (and Possibly Deportation Ideas) Former President Trump has announced plans to meet with New York City's mayor-elect