Bad haircuts
“Business in the front, trauma in the back.”
Local man Derek Munsen walked into SuperFadez hoping for a “fresh cut” before his high school reunion. He walked out with what eyewitnesses described as “a retro war crime.” The haircut, reportedly intended to resemble a modern fade, somehow spiraled into a full-blown mullet–complete with feathered sides, a rat tail, and what may have been a lightning bolt shaved into the temple area.
“I told him I wanted a little edge,” Derek whispered, holding back tears. “Not a full-blown flashback to NASCAR 1987.”
The barber, a 22-year-old named Kaiden who recently graduated from TikTok Barber University, defended his work. “It’s ironic. It’s postmodern. It’s got swagger. It’s a tribute to American decline.” Kaiden then pointed to his certification, printed on a Supreme hoodie, and insisted that his style had “likes in the thousands.”
Experts at the National Hair Emergency Council say this isn’t an isolated case. “We’re seeing a surge in what we call ‘hipster historicals,'” said Dr. Melinda Flattop. “These include accidental perms, surprise mohawks, and a disturbing rise in ‘reverse bangs,’ which is when you only cut the back and leave the front to guess your intentions.”
Derek’s wife, who has not made eye contact with him since the incident, confirmed that he is currently sleeping on the couch and wearing a beanie “indoors and in the shower.” The couple canceled their attendance at the reunion after Derek’s high school bully sent him a meme of Billy Ray Cyrus with the caption “twinsies.”
Hair trauma specialist Lori Gelman says it’s important to understand the psychological toll. “Bad haircuts are the number one cause of ‘hat-based identity crises’ in men aged 30 to 45,” she explained, citing a new trend of men faking alopecia to justify shaving their heads.
Meanwhile, Kaiden has moved on to “facial hair as performance art,” advertising ironic mustache stylings inspired by Civil War generals and 1990s porn stars. He insists his goal is to blur the line between fashion and emotional sabotage.
Public opinion remains divided. Some in the community admire Derek’s bravery. One local even created a mural titled “Mullet of Sadness” depicting the haircut’s evolution through grief. Others argue he should sue the barber, the salon, and possibly the decade of the 1980s.
When asked if he’d ever get his hair cut again, Derek stared into the distance and replied, “Only if I can do it myself. In a dark room. With gardening shears.”
In a final twist, Kaiden has now been booked for an avant-garde hair show in Portland titled “Mistakes Were Made.” Tickets are $300 and include a complimentary panic mirror and free tears.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
