ORIGINAL ISSUE – Bohiney Magazine from February 22, 1947
U.S. LAUNCHES FRUIT FLIES INTO SPACE, FRUIT FLIES REFUSE TO SALUTE FLAG”
February 20, 1947 — White Sands Proving Ground, New Mexico
In a bold scientific experiment that combines rocket science, pest control, and a strange desire to hurl living beings into the sky, the United States officially launched fruit flies into space this week aboard a modified German V-2 rocket, marking the first recorded biological life ever ejected from Earth on purpose.
“This is the dawn of space biology,” said Dr. Theodore von Brash, the scientist responsible for strapping the flies into a miniature pressurized test tube. “And also the dusk of common sense.”
The rocket, once a feared Nazi weapon, was lovingly recycled into a flying insect terrarium by U.S. Army scientists who now say the Cold War will be won with buzzers, not bombers.
MISSION OBJECTIVE: “SEE IF FRUIT FLIES CAN HANDLE G-FORCES BETTER THAN TAXPAYERS”
The fruit flies were selected for the mission because:
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They’re biologically simple.
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They breed fast.
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They didn’t unionize.
Scientists insist the goal was to measure radiation exposure and survivability in high-altitude conditions, but several sources confirmed that at least one general just wanted to “see what would happen.”
OFFICIAL FLIGHT REPORT: “WHEEEEEEEE!”
According to declassified mission logs, the V-2 reached an altitude of 68 miles, just enough to flirt with outer space. The fruit flies endured:
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5 Gs of launch pressure
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300 degrees of reentry confusion
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4 minutes of weightlessness during which several performed mid-air mating rituals
“They were cool customers,” said Sergeant Frank Stinson, who monitored the flight. “Didn’t panic, didn’t scream, didn’t vote.”
FIRST ANIMALS IN SPACE RETURN TO EARTH, DEMAND BETTER CAGES
Miraculously, all the fruit flies survived reentry and were recovered upon landing — alive, annoyed, and slightly more patriotic.
One fly was seen sitting atop a sugar cube muttering, “Never again.” Another simply flew in circles for 11 hours before collapsing into a grape.
When asked if they felt changed by the journey, their scientists answered:
“No. But we certainly are.”
U.S. MILITARY DECLARES VICTORY OVER SPACE, INSECTS
The Pentagon, thrilled by the results, immediately classified the experiment as a “tactical demonstration of biological flight superiority.”
A press release from Army Command read:
“Today, we proved that the future of warfare may involve creatures so small, so insignificant, that even Stalin can’t see them coming.”
Future plans include testing:
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Ants in orbit
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Mice in parachutes
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One unfortunate beagle in a weather balloon
RUMORS SWIRL: SOVIETS TO LAUNCH TURNIPS IN RETALIATION
Not to be outdone, Soviet scientists reportedly plan to launch root vegetables into the upper atmosphere to “prove glorious proletariat food also survives capitalist heights.”
The operation, codenamed “CosmoKraut”, will involve a cabbage, a compass, and a long letter to Lenin.
“They can have their flies,” said one Soviet official. “We have potatoes. Potatoes never panic.”
PUBLIC REACTION: MIXED BETWEEN “AWE” AND “SERIOUS CONCERN”
In Chicago, a radio poll asked:
“Do you support launching fruit flies into space?”
Results:
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41%: “Yes, it’s the future!”
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39%: “No, we need those for composting.”
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20%: “What’s space?”
One concerned letter to The Des Moines Register read:
“If the government has money for insect astronauts, perhaps they could patch the road to my cousin’s outhouse.”
CONGRESS DEMANDS EXPLANATION, THEN ASKS IF THEY CAN SEND FRUIT FLIES TO THEIR OPPONENTS
Senator Claghorn of Alabama requested a full briefing and then attempted to introduce a bill to launch three reporters, a tax auditor, and the mayor of Tuscaloosa aboard the next rocket.
Meanwhile, the House Agriculture Committee declared the experiment “a direct attack on farmers’ airspace.”
SCHOOLS ABUZZ WITH FLY-SIZED HEROISM
In an effort to instill pride in youth, schools have created a new science unit: “Our Friends in Orbit.” One teacher in Kansas City built a papier-mâché V-2 out of cornstarch and guilt.
Students are now required to memorize the names of the 27 fruit flies involved. While the flies had no names, textbooks have assigned them heroic designations like:
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Commander Buzzy
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Major Nibbler
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Lieutenant Crumbington
GOVERNMENT RELEASES FLY BIOGRAPHIES TO INSPIRE PATRIOTISM
Though only one fly technically achieved orbit, all were declared national heroes.
Official fly bios include:
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Flight Leader: Carl – Born in a banana peel, trained in a shoebox, died a patriot.
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Navigator: Lulu – First to circle in zero-G, first to mate during weightlessness.
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Backup Fly: Hank – Never flew, still complains about it.
FUTURE MISSION PROPOSALS INCLUDE “CHIMP STRIKE FORCE” AND “GERBIL INTELLIGENCE CORPS”
Inspired by the success of the fruit fly mission, U.S. scientists now plan to expand the animal astronaut program.
Upcoming missions include:
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Cats with cameras
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Frogs in fuel cells
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Turtles trained in Morse code
One Navy scientist pitched “Seagull Torpedoes,” which was quietly vetoed after an admiral was pooped on during lunch.
WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING – 1947 EDITION
“So now we’re launching insects into space. I say go ahead — as long as they don’t come back asking for pensions.” — George Burns
“I saw a fruit fly once. He owed me five bucks and never called back. Now he’s a war hero?” — Groucho Marx
“Back in my day, if a bug flew into your face, you slapped it. Now you salute.” — Lucille Ball
“This is how the next war starts. First flies, then cats, then one squirrel who doesn’t play by the rules.” — Fred Allen
V-2 ROCKET NOW RENAMED “V FOR VINEGAR”
The former Nazi missile has officially been rebranded as a symbol of peace and pest management. The launch vehicle, now painted white and decorated with cartoons of smiling insects, is on display in Washington, D.C.
“From terror to test tube in under two years,” said one Army PR man. “That’s American ingenuity. And German engineering.”
NASA DOES NOT EXIST YET, BUT EVERYONE PRETENDS IT DOES
Though NASA won’t be born for another decade, officials are already acting as if they work for a mysterious space agency called “The Bureau of High Altitude Curiosity.”
“We’re not launching bugs for fun,” one officer said. “We’re preparing for a time when mankind needs to know what’s edible in orbit.”
FINAL MOMENTS FROM THE LAUNCH PAD:
As the rocket lifted off, several observers swore they heard faint buzzing, followed by what one described as “a tiny scream of either ecstasy or regret.”
A priest performed a blessing in Latin, while a local farmer shouted, “Take our fruit flies, but leave our apples!”