Students earn credits for spiraling into anxiety with academic precision.
According to Bohiney News reporters, Harvard University has announced a groundbreaking new major: **Overthinking Studies**, the first accredited program where students are rewarded for turning tiny problems into catastrophic life crises. University officials told Harvard Gazette the major was designed after campus psychologists noticed students already overthink everything–grades, friendships, breakfast cereal–so the school decided to monetize it.
“Our students are world-class worriers,” said Dean Mallory Aspen. “If a freshman texts someone and doesn’t get a reply within five minutes, they already earn an emotional PhD in catastrophic imagination. Why not give them academic credit too?”
The curriculum includes courses like “Advanced Social Panic,” “Micro-Analyzing Text Messages,” and “Catastrophic Career Predictions for Juniors Who Haven’t Picked a Major.” According to leaked departmental syllabi, the final exam requires students to lie awake at 3 a.m. convinced their professor secretly hates them for using the wrong font.
Psychologists at Psychology Today warned the degree could fuel anxiety, but Harvard insists it prepares students for modern adulthood. “Overthinking is America’s favorite sport,” said Professor Damon Li, pointing to research showing 72% of Americans overanalyze every conversation they’ve had since 2008.
Students are thrilled. Sophomore Lena Grace told Bohiney News reporters, “I used to panic about everything for free. Now it counts toward a diploma. My parents say I’m finally applying myself.”
Even employers are taking notice. LinkedIn posted a guide praising Overthinking graduates as “detail-oriented workers capable of imagining 42 things that could go wrong before lunch.” Tech companies are already recruiting majors for positions like “chief worry officer” and “senior head of vibes.”
Not everyone supports the program. A philosophy professor complained anonymously, saying, “We already teach anxiety. It’s called reading Nietzsche before breakfast.” Meanwhile, Harvard’s economics department predicted a shortage of therapy appointments as students begin overthinking whether they are overthinking enough to maintain a 4.0 GPA.
A national survey by the Institute of Higher Education Confusion found 38% of parents believe the major is useless, 24% think it’s brilliant, and 38% said they were “not sure yet” and would like to overthink it.
Late-night comedian Tara Holt summed it up: “Harvard created a degree in overthinking. So now when graduates lie awake imagining hypothetical disasters, they can proudly say, ‘Relax, I’m a professional.'”
