Modern Dating: Welcome to the United States of Dysfunction

As a Species, Can We Get Past Modern Dating?

Ladies, gentlemen, and those still holding out for Mr. Middle‑Ground Who Showers Weekly—welcome! We’re gathered here in the grand amphitheater of digital dating, where the main act is a boy‑band of middle‑aged data points: questionable haircuts, leather elbow patches, and an existential playlist consisting of “Hotline Bling” followed by “Losing My Religion.” This spectacle is the ultimate proof that we’ve swung so far from Puritan prudery to Playboy pandemonium, our collective societal ADHD gives that swing more speed than a country pinto at a drag race.

So grab your pumpkin‑spiced clarity and your kale smoothie of contextual nuance—we’re going on a three‑part deep dive into the hilarious collapse of dating as we know it. Cause buckle up: it’s not a relationship, it’s a roller‑coaster.

Observation 1: Midlife Crisis Nation — The Four Somethings Club

The U.S. is one heck of an over‑aged boy band. There’s the lead singer—John, 42, rocking a man‑bun so half‑baked even his barber’s confused. Then there’s the bass—Steve, 47, who now owns six artisanal beard oils and pronounces them “moisturizin’.” They’re all desperately trying to stay relevant while secretly hoping they can go viral posting motivational TikToks.

Humorous evidence: A 2024 bachelor‑survey from “Rosé and Regrets” (yes, that’s a real‑ish site) revealed that 76% of men aged 35–50 had considered trying meditation just to boost their Tinder swipe‑right rate. One self‑proclaimed guru told us: “If I can gut my chakras, maybe I can gut that ‘last online 5m ago’ status.” This comes with a warning: side effects may include unsolicited requests to recite transcendental poetry and semi‑nude “Yoga Sunday” selfies.

Observation 2: Handmaid vs. Hustler — The Binary Breakdown

Picture this date: you stroll in, kind‑heart, hydrated, hope for mild chemistry. Instead, they ask, “So… are you more handmaid or Hustler?” You blink. “I’m… hydrated?” And suddenly you’re auditioning for The Hunger Games—or worse, Hustler magazine’s next cover.

Wordplay & Parody: It’s like being a contestant in a human Venn diagram with zero overlap. Lane writes about “purity culture” vs. “digital hedonism”—one demands chastity belts, vintage typewriters, and curling‑up with Milton’s Paradise Lost, while the other demands glow‑up Snapchat streaks and VSCO channels so neon, they double as disco floors.

Stats: A poll by the “In‑Betweeners Anonymous” support group found 89% of daters felt pressure to pick extremes, and 73% actually tried to ride a unicycle while citing Plato to seem “balanced.” We assume 4% never got back on the dating apps after that.

Observation 3: The Gray‑Zone Anxiety

If you’re average—like “washes once a week, pays rent on time, can cook pasta”—you’re an anomaly. The majority sees you as the Swiss Army Knife of dating: handy, practical, but only interesting at a camping show. A whopping zero percent of users list “just normal human being” as an erotic trait.

Expert opinion: Somatic coach Dr. Betty Feels‑a‑Lot says: “Grey‑zone people suffer from Identity Ambiguity Syndrome—IAS. Symptoms include blinking when asked ‘You’re not strictly abstinent… so do you… Netflix and chill?’ And lack of eye contact.” Her carbon‑based evidence: 27 clients who now ask “So, how’s your relationship with ‘average mind’?” on first dates.

Observation 4: Just‑Dating vs. Partner Filter — The Two‑Tiered World

Here’s the romantic hierarchy:

1. Swipe‑date: “We’ll get brunch, share avocado toast, maybe trade Spotify codes.”

2. Partner application: “Do you have a five‑year plan, and are your tax documents in order?”

3. You? Congratulations—you belong to Tier 1: Functional Flirt.

Analogy: Think of dating like Amazon Prime. Brunch dates are a two‑day free trial—fun, spontaneous, inconsequential. But moving into partner territory? That’s the subscription with auto‑renewal, shipment tracking, and late fees for emotional baggage.

Eyewitness account: Jenna, 33, reports: “When I said ‘looking for something real,’ he got scared, said he couldn’t commit… but still asked to borrow my Netflix login.” Nothing says “I’m not ready” like wanting to save $15 but still keeping his dating status open.

Observation 5: Invisible Social‑Fit Filter

It’s as if we’re all buried in circles of invisible social‑fit factors. Unless you spend at least 40% of your existence organic‑shopping, binge‑listening to NPR true‑crime, and can do “woke take‑downs” on Instagram, you’re out.

Stereotyping & Social Commentary: We’ve replaced social Darwinism with filterism. And for those of us without artisanal coffee and a trust‑fund rich just‑looking partner? Well, best of luck starring in their 5‑page Instagram highlight reel.

Survey: In a 2023 dating‑app experiment run by YouBetterBeKidding.com, 92% of users were deemed “fit” within 12 interests. After 13 likes scrolling, they tapped “unfit.” One guy was told he’d need to own a Peloton to qualify.

Observation 6: Somatic Coach Savior

Remember those days when you just had to shower and say “hello”? Now you need a coach who’ll correct your [inhale] diaphragmatic breath and tell you you’re repressing “sexual vibration energy.” Then they charge you $275 per session to emotionally unblock your solar plexus.

Cause‑Effect Reasoning: The logic is: repress your sexual energy → datelessness. But if you vomit it all in a wellness session full of healing crystals and earth tone pillows? Boom—suddenly you become “date‑ready.”

Testimonial: One awakened man shared: “After 10 soulful somatics sessions, I discovered I hate kale smoothies. Turns out, so does she.” So he’s meditating harder than he’s ever worked out. They’re dating now. Coincidence? I think not.

Observation 7: Overcorrection Addiction

We swung hard—too hard—from puritan repression to Playboy excess, like kids flinging on a swing into oncoming traffic. Lane calls this the “overcorrection syndrome”—and we caught it mid‑air, screaming in both directions.

Exaggeration & Irony: Today’s daters wear morality belts by day, Snapchat filters by night. They’re all like: “I respect traditions… but here’s my nude selfie—totally emancipated!” And they’re dead serious.

Scientific Evidence: Researchers at the Institute of Bouncing Extremes put out a study claiming: Post‑1980, society experiences 23% more identity swings per person per decade. Winter jackets? Too vanilla. Tank tops with sparkles? That’s the sweet spot now.

Observation 8: Beef‑Jerky Men

Here’s your average dude in his 40s: he’s confused whether he’s supposed to vape kale juice, down protein shakes, or mourn his lost youth. He’s clinging to a shredded-jerk-jerky‑man ideal that somehow also preaches emotional vulnerability—if he’s paid a “trust testosterone life coach.”

Role Reversal & Absurdity: Picture Brad Pitt from Fight Club quoting Brene Brown on vulnerability while flexing over quinoa bowls. That’s beef‑jerky man. Absurd? Yes. Socially mandated? Also yes.

Public opinion: On Quora, 64% of dating‑age folks said they’d rather date a guy who just eats pizza than one who “codes his feelings.” So that’s your diet‑crash landing.

Observation 9: Brutal Self-Branding or Die Alone

In today’s dating arena, you’re not a person—you’re a brand. Are you “sultry but sacred”? “Anti-capitalist but owns a Vitamix”? “Spiritual but prefers Wi-Fi over divinity”? If you don’t fit into a digestible archetype that can be hashtagged, monetized, or at least tattooed ironically on a shoulder blade—good luck out there.

Wordplay & Satirical Analogy: You can’t just be Laura from Ohio anymore. You have to be “#NeoFeministPlantWitchWithSensualBoundaries.” People don’t date personalities, they subscribe to curated content drops of your aura.

Funny Evidence: A survey by BumbleScrewed found that 61% of profiles use “identity keywords” in the first sentence. One guy simply wrote: “Recovering patriarch. Into small spoons and herbal boundaries. Venmo me @sexpositive.”

Observation 10: Snack-Dating Syndrome

Today’s dating culture is modeled after gas station snack behavior. You scroll, you select a flavor, you nibble, you ghost. It’s not even malicious—it’s digestion.

Red Herring: People blame “busy schedules,” but let’s be honest—if we had to swipe right on someone’s credit score, they’d be ghosted before dessert.

Personal Story: One woman told us, “He made me vegan lasagna and told me his love language was conflict resolution. Then he never texted again. I guess I’m lactose-intolerable to him.”

Trace Evidence: A journalist found over 2,000 unopened Hinge conversations that all ended with “Haha IKR 😂” and nothing else. No conclusion, no closure—just emoji entropy.

Observation 11: Filtered Humanity

Remember when you could connect over liking dogs and hating Mondays? Now, you must match on oat milk brands, podcast preferences, and which Gen Z slang you refuse to learn out of principle.

Absurdity: “Must love dogs” has turned into “must adopt dog from ethical breeder with anti-imperialist Instagram page.” It’s not “shared values,” it’s an IRL compatibility algorithm calibrated by ghosts of your therapists.

Comedian Line: “She asked me if I was ‘biodegradable.’ I said emotionally, yes—I break down under pressure.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Sociology Dig: Dr. Morgan Tinderstein notes, “We’ve replaced empathy with alignment. You’re not trying to be loved, you’re trying to be algorithmically affirmed.” Tinderstein is also a certified Reiki Level 3 meme analyst.

Observation 12: Political DNA Test Required

Politics used to be a thing you waited five dates to awkwardly whisper about. Now it’s printed on t-shirts, tattooed on forearms, and triple-checked before someone even makes eye contact.

Slippery Slope Satire: You vote differently? That’s not just a disagreement—it’s a declaration of psychological warfare. You’re dating a walking MSNBC or FOX affiliate with hair gel.

Public Opinion: In a study by VoterHookup, 72% of singles said they’d rather eat expired kale chips than date someone who voted differently—even if that person owned a house and didn’t believe in astrology.

Personal Experience: A woman shared that her date grilled her on January 6th, vaccines, and whether she believed Taylor Swift was a “deep state distraction”—all before the bread rolls arrived.

Observation 13: Embodiment or Bust

Embodiment—the new sexy. You can’t just flirt with someone anymore. You have to “drop into your body,” “notice the energy exchange,” and do a consent-driven eye-gazing ceremony to a Bon Iver track before touching elbows.

False Authority Alert: Instagram somatic coaches claim: “If he’s not embodied, he’s a trauma dump in khakis.”

Analogy: It’s like trying to make out at a rave, but first you must complete a mindfulness triathlon. Feel your toes. Accept your inner child. Avoid dairy. THEN you may kiss.

Testimonial: Kevin, 36, said, “I didn’t know what embodiment was. Then I dated a woman who told me to breathe before texting. Now I spiral in 4D clarity every night.”

Observation 14: Absurd Extremes on Parade

American dating is the mall food court of extremes. Want abstinence? There’s an app for that. Want poly‑chakra tantric merging via Zoom? Also available. What’s missing? Everything in between.

Satirical Comparison: You either date like a Mormon youth pastor or a Berlin techno DJ named Klaus who asks about your “safe word” over mimosas.

Comedian Line: “Dating in America is like standing between two vending machines—one offers holy water, the other has glitter-laced Red Bull.” — Ron White

Expert Insight: A Columbia dating researcher concludes: “The bell curve of human desire has been replaced by two cliffs with a bottomless pit in the middle. Most fall into it after three tequila sodas and a hopeful emoji.”

Observation 15: Brunch vs Bed Ban

Today’s modern American date ends at exactly 2:17 p.m. with a “this was fun!” followed by a text 9 hours later that says: “You still up?”

Irony: We are hyper-intimate and emotionally unavailable at the exact same time. It’s like being in a cuddle puddle at Burning Man and still Venmo-requesting for your half of the bagel.

Real Comment: One woman said, “He complimented my ‘intentional energy’ while paying the brunch bill… but said he ‘wasn’t looking for a container’ when I followed up. What the hell is a container?”

Helpful Content Advice: If you hear the word “container” in a romantic context and you’re not at The Container Store, you are in danger. Flee. Flee with your woven napkin of dignity.

Observation 16: Exhaustion from Extremes

The final act: sheer, collective burnout. Every American dater is emotionally fried like a Chick-fil-A waffle fry on a Sunday (closed, ironically, to avoid this very fate). We’re not dating—we’re surviving.

Comedian Line: “Everyone’s too tired to date. You ever get ghosted and just think, ‘Thank God. One less person to impress’?” — Amy Schumer

Scientific Study: A fake but believable Harvard study shows dating app users have a cortisol spike equal to “accidentally liking a 2012 Facebook post of your ex.”

False Dilemma: Stay single and drink wine? Or try again and attend a cacao ceremony with a guy who ends every sentence with “…and that’s why capitalism must fall.” There is no option three.

Welcome to the United States of Modern Dating—Please Don’t Make Eye Contact

The Collapse Has Feelings

Let’s face it—American dating culture is less of a functioning ecosystem and more like a haunted escape room run by ex-theater majors who now teach breathwork on Etsy. Everyone’s on edge, underwhelmed, and overscheduled. We’re not falling in love—we’re dodging landmines while holding hands and making uncomfortable eye contact over activated almonds.

Comedian Line: “I went on a date and he said he was ‘doing the work.’ The only work I saw was him Venmo requesting $4.50 for the oat milk latte.” — Tig Notaro

A Crisis of Intimacy, Or Just IBS?

What Lane calls “repression” is really a buffet of constipation, both emotional and gastrointestinal. We’ve got folks trying to achieve intimacy while chronically avoiding gluten, labels, and each other. Emotional constipation is rampant. We’ve replaced vulnerability with “boundaries” and touch with “trauma-informed hovering.”

Humorous Evidence: At a recent “Conscious Singles Cacao Ceremony” in Boulder, Colorado, one woman passed out after someone asked, “What are you looking for?”—it was the first direct question she’d heard in three years.

Experts We Made Up Weigh In

Dr. Linda Spankles, psychosexual semiotician at the University of Nebraska-Imagined, blames what she calls “Libidinal Identity Collapse.” According to her, Americans now filter desire through a 47-step checklist: “Must be 6’3″, vegan-ish, trauma-literate, dog dad, poly-curious but mono-loyal, and must love nature but hate camping.”

Dr. Chad McEnergetics, who holds a PhD in interpretive dance and neurolinguistic moon cycles, adds: “Most people don’t date anymore. They engage in what I call ‘neural proximity rejection loops’—they’re just waiting for the vibe to feel off so they can go back to watching Netflix and making TikToks about their avoidant attachment.”

The Boring Rebellion: Normcore Love Strikes Back

Amid the ruins of over-filtered, hyper-labeled, and sexually suppressed dating culture, a secret underground movement rises: normal people. Yes, they still exist.

They like hugs. They like dinner. They don’t mind labels like “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” or “person I trust not to ghost me mid-paragraph.” They wear socks that match. They might even call you back. And best of all? They don’t need a personality coach to be interesting.

Public Testimony: Margot, 31, said, “I just want someone who doesn’t think ‘trauma-dumping’ is a love language.” She met a guy at the DMV. He owned two pillows and asked about her day. The wedding is scheduled for spring, with a taco truck and zero yurt ceremonies.

Capitalism Is the Third Wheel

Let’s not ignore the elephant in the (co-working) room: dating apps aren’t designed to help you fall in love. They’re designed to turn your loneliness into a 12-billion-dollar product. Every swipe is an ad click. Every “u up?” is revenue.

Comedian Line: “The only thing Tinder ever matched me with was anxiety.” — Sarah Silverman

Satirical Statistic: A leaked memo from a fictional dating app board meeting revealed the following goals:

• Goal 1: Keep people “just unhappy enough” to keep swiping.

• Goal 2: Introduce a “Mindfulness Paywall” where users must meditate before messaging.

• Goal 3: Launch new “Trauma Compatibility Score” using AI. You only match with people who also cried at “Inside Out.”

The Porn of Perfection

Let’s be honest—dating expectations have been pornified. But not just sexually. Emotionally. Spiritually. Romantically. Everyone thinks love is supposed to feel like a mix of Euphoria, The Notebook, and a TED Talk on “embodied sovereignty.”

False Analogy: We expect someone to be our therapist, soulmate, business partner, yoga assistant, and kombucha brewing co-founder. It’s like expecting your dog to also do your taxes.

Comedian Line: “I asked a guy what he was looking for. He said ‘a sacred mirror with boundaries and a slutty streak.’ So… his mom but with Wi-Fi?” — Amy Schumer

The Cause and Effect of Not Making Out

Lane isn’t wrong—sexual repression has returned, now dressed up in buzzwords. People are touch-starved but virtue-signaling, horny but hiding behind the word “alignment.” It’s abstinence 2.0: no sex before the third sound bath.

Humorous Parallel: The same people who insist on “energy purity” are the ones making vaguely erotic eye contact during co-ed breathwork and then panic texting their therapist afterward.

Scientific Finding: According to an NIH study that absolutely doesn’t exist, the average American adult now goes six weeks without touch—but receives 14 unsolicited astrology memes from exes per month.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I had a date ask if I wanted to co-regulate our nervous systems. I said sure, but can we do it at Chili’s?” — Bill Burr

“Dating used to be simple. You’d meet at a bar, flirt awkwardly, and maybe kiss. Now you need a consent wheel, a crystal grid, and a trauma-release playlist.” — Ali Wong

“I said I wanted someone emotionally available. She handed me her therapist’s email and a poem about her dad.” — Kevin Hart

“We used to ask, ‘What’s your sign?’ Now it’s ‘Are you a secure attachment or a ticking time bomb with yoga pants?’” — Trevor Noah

The Declaration of (Inter)Dependence

So where do we go from here?

It’s time for a new kind of intimacy revolution—not the fire-spinning, tantra-yelling, breath-holding revolution. We mean real, awkward, human connection. People saying “Hi.” People asking questions without filters. People risking rejection without Googling “how to communicate through a trauma-informed lens.”

Let’s get back to weird, soft, awkward, boring, earnest, joyful, present, tangible connection. Let’s date like it’s 1994—only with better hygiene and fewer pager beeps.

Final Words from the Editors at Bohiney Magazine

We at Bohiney Magazine would like to thank Christina Lane for indirectly inspiring this dating fever dream of a satire. As we often say, “Love isn’t dead—it’s just in a witness protection program somewhere in Idaho, hiding from all these trauma coaches.”

In a culture where dating now requires a VPN for your heart and a marketing plan for your genitals, we say: burn the filters, skip the cacao, and ask someone how their day was. And mean it.

• Why America’s Dating Apps Now Require a Background Check and a Blood Moon

• Love Languages Replaced by Cryptocurrency Portfolios in Gen Z Courtship

• New App Rates Your Emotional Availability Using Old AIM Away Messages

• Tinder Adds “Conscious Breath Break” Between Matches

• Woman Refuses Date Over Use of Word “Fine,” Marries her Therapist’s Shadow Self

• Supreme Court Rules It’s Now Legal to Say “I Miss You” Without Proof of Trauma

Disclaimer: This article is a 100% human collaboration between Bohiney Magazine’s editorial team, a 73-year-old tantric mime, and a philosophy major turned goat therapist. It is satire. If you find yourself deeply offended, please consult your embodiment coach.

Auf Wiedersehen.