NEVER APOLOGIZE — Never explain. Never regret. 

Secret Presidential Strategy Leaked: “Sorry” Is for Suckers, Losers, and Canadians

By SpinTaxi’s Bureau of Blame-Shifting Behavior

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Somewhere deep within a gold-encrusted vault at Mar-a-Lago, under a pile of expired subpoenas and half-eaten McRibs, there lies a secret presidential doctrine written in Sharpie and spray tan residue.

Its title? “HOW TO BE POTUS WITHOUT EVER APOLOGIZING.”

This 347-page manifesto, reportedly co-authored by Donald J. Trump and an animatronic Ronald Reagan powered by Adderall and vibes, lays out the foolproof path to presidential power without ever uttering those two cursed syllables: “I’m sorry.”

The strategy? Simple.

Never explain. Never regret. Just tweet, deny, distract, and repeat.

An American Tradition of Arrogance

White House historians confirm this isn’t a new playbook. Andrew Jackson once killed a man in a duel and refused to apologize, reportedly saying, “His face intercepted my bullet. That’s on him.”

Nixon never apologized for Watergate, though he did mumble, “Mistakes were made,” while feeding Checkers the dog a classified document.

But Trump? Trump elevated non-apology to an Olympic sport. He doesn’t just refuse to say sorry—he builds golf courses on your grief and names the sand traps after his enemies.

A President Who Apologizes Is Like a Shark That Cries

Aides close to the former president say the word “apology” has been redacted from his vocabulary and replaced with phrases like “strong stance,” “unbelievable ratings,” and “totally misunderstood sarcasm.”

“He once tried to apologize to Melania,” said one former staffer, “and ended up blaming Obama for their dinner being cold.”

Comedian Lines: The Nation Weighs In

“They say Trump never apologizes. Of course not. You need self-awareness for that.” — Ron White

“His idea of an apology is ‘I’m sorry you’re too dumb to get how right I am.’” — Sarah Silverman

“If Trump ever apologizes, the Earth will tilt, Taco Bell will stop serving after midnight, and cats will unionize.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Dude dodges apologies like a ninja with a bad attitude and a fast thumbs.” — Kevin Hart

“Trump treats the word ‘sorry’ like it’s a subpoena—ignores it until it knocks down the door.” — Bill Burr

The Anatomy of a Trumpian Non-Apology

A classified memo unearthed from a golf bag details Trump’s 5-Level Apology Evasion System™:

1. Deny It: “Never happened. Fake news.”

2. Deflect It: “Obama did worse.”

3. Reframe It: “People are saying I was being strong.”

4. Blame It: “Sleepy Joe confused everyone.”

5. Brand It: “Best non-apology ever. Everyone says so.”

His 2023 appearance on Truth Social offered a masterclass:

“Some are saying I should apologize for calling the hurricane a hoax. But I say, the hurricane should apologize for ruining my weekend.”

Historical Precedents of Presidential Pride

Let’s compare:

• Jimmy Carter: “I accept full responsibility…”

• Barack Obama: “We fell short…”

• Donald Trump: “I’m the least responsible person you’ve ever met. Tremendously not responsible.”

Asked once by a reporter if he would apologize for stoking racial tensions, Trump reportedly replied, “Apologize for what? Being incredibly popular among ungrateful suburban boat owners?”

The Psychology of Non-Repentance

According to Dr. Blanche Remington, a behavioral psychologist at MIT who’s written 14 books on political narcissism (and one erotic novel), Trump’s refusal to apologize taps into a potent American ideal:

“We love the outlaw. The cowboy. The guy who shoots first, denies it later, and builds a casino where the body’s buried.”

She adds, “Trump weaponized that rugged, John Wayne energy—if John Wayne also hosted reality TV and feared ramps.”

Polling the Public: Do Americans Want Apologies?

According to a SpinTaxi.com–PewCo–Waffle House joint poll:

• 61% of Americans say a POTUS should apologize for wrongdoing

• 72% say Trump never does

• 48% admire that

• 18% are still waiting for Bush to say sorry for Iraq

• 1% just wanted to talk about waffles

In a focus group, a Michigan voter named Darlene (wearing an “I ❤️ Gas Stoves” hat) said:

“Trump doesn’t apologize because he’s not wrong. And if he is, it’s part of the plan.”

Asked what the plan was, she shouted “1776!” and rode away on a Rascal scooter.

The Apology That Wasn’t: Greatest Hits

“I take no responsibility at all.” — March 2020
“They said bleach might work.” — April 2020
“Maybe I shouldn’t have called Rosie O’Donnell a pig. But have you seen her?” — Every year since 2006

Each moment, a reminder: Trump’s apologies are theoretical constructs. Like cold fusion. Or Ivanka’s ethics portfolio.

The Cult of Strength: Why “Sorry” Is Off-Brand

Branding experts say “apology” is a brand mismatch for Trump.

“You don’t put a bowtie on a wrecking ball,” said brand consultant Maverick Steele, who previously worked for Axe Body Spray and Bitcoin.

“Apologizing would feel… weak. You don’t want your base thinking you read books, feel things, or know what empathy is. That’s not masculine. That’s Canadian.”

The Church of Never Wrong

One anonymous Trump spiritual advisor (possibly a televangelist, possibly a shoe salesman) revealed that Trump once asked:

“Is there a Bible verse that says I don’t need to apologize?”

The pastor replied, “Only the unwritten ones, Mr. President.” They then high-fived and ordered mozzarella sticks.

Satirical Evidence of the Trump Apology Doctrine in Action

• Event: Trump incorrectly stated that windmills cause cancer
  Response: “I said it, but I meant it metaphorically. For your soul.”

• Event: Insulted a war hero
  Response: “If he was such a hero, why didn’t he fight harder to not be captured?”

• Event: Claimed COVID would disappear “like magic”
  Response: “Technically it did disappear… from my Twitter feed.”

What Happens If He Ever Apologizes?

National crisis, likely.

According to FEMA’s internal “Apology Protocols,” if Trump ever says the words “I was wrong,” the following systems will activate:

• Tornado sirens in West Palm Beach

• Sean Hannity frowns live on air

• A hole opens in the Earth, swallowing Mar-a-Lago and Lindsey Graham’s last spine fragment

Advice for Other Politicians: The Trump Template

For future populists seeking power with zero remorse, here’s your cheat sheet:

• Blame without borders

• Denounce with flair

• Spin every scandal into merchandise

• Replace empathy with branding

• If cornered, launch a pillow company

Comedian Quotes, Part 2: We Just Can’t Stop

“If Trump ever said sorry, it’d be followed by, ‘…you feel that way.’” — Amy Schumer

“He thinks contrition is a Mediterranean fish.” — Ron White

“Imagine apologizing to Americans. That’s like giving a refund at a casino.” — Kevin Hart

“He dodges remorse like it owes him money.” — Sarah Silverman

Academic Analysis: The Apology‑Free Presidency

Dr. Marvin Krout, author of Sorry, Not Sorry: A History of Executive Denial, says Trump represents a new strain of post-accountability leadership.

“He’s the presidential version of your uncle who swears he can’t be racist because he ‘loves tacos.’”

Krout adds that future presidents may model themselves on Trump’s ethos:

“Why be humble when you can be loud?”

International Response: Global Leaders Try It Too

Inspired by Trump’s method, other world leaders began avoiding apologies.

• Brazil’s Bolsonaro: “Rainforest fires? The trees were suicidal.”

• UK’s Boris Johnson: “I did not attend that party. And if I did, it wasn’t a party. It was an emotionally distant rave.”

• Vladimir Putin: “Mistakes? I only make moves.”

A Final Rally Cry: “We Don’t Say Sorry in America Anymore”

At a recent rally in Georgia, Trump closed with the line:

“I will never apologize for loving this country so much it hurts… other countries’ feelings.”

The crowd cheered. A child threw a cheeseburger. Mike Lindell wept.

A banner read:
“NO APOLOGIES. JUST RATINGS.”

Conclusion: The Politics of Perpetual Innocence

To apologize is human. To avoid it? Presidential.

Donald Trump proved that in 21st-century America, repentance is optional, accountability is negotiable, and regret is just bad optics.

He didn’t just avoid apologies—he made them seem un-American.

As long as the spotlight’s on, the crowd’s roaring, and the merch table is stocked, there will always be room for one more speech that begins, “I’m not saying I was wrong, but…”

And ends with, “You should thank me.”

SATIRICAL SOURCES (All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/):

Trump Confirms He Has “Nothing to Apologize For, Including This Statement”

At a spontaneous press conference held between golf holes 9 and 10, former President Donald Trump declared, “I have absolutely nothing to apologize for, including this statement, which is flawless, beautiful, and actually healed a guy’s shingles.”

Pressed by reporters on past controversies—including a hurricane forecast Sharpie edit, bleach-based health tips, and several hundred ethical violations—Trump simply waved his hands like a magician denying gravity. “Look,” he said, “apologizing is what you do when you’re weak. Or Canadian.”

Sources confirm he then pivoted directly to a story about how he once made a hurricane “go the other way” with sheer willpower and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Melania, seen nearby, muttered, “He once apologized to a sandwich for dropping it, but never to me.” Trump then turned and added, “Even that sandwich was out of line.”

Historians are now debating whether “never apologizing” should be included on Mount Rushmore’s next renovation, replacing Teddy Roosevelt with a statue holding up a gold-plated “NO REGRETS” sign.

Melania Asked for an Apology; Trump Gifted Her a Golf Trophy

White House insiders report that First Lady Melania Trump, in a rare moment of vulnerability, once asked Donald Trump for a sincere apology after he forgot their anniversary and tweeted “Happy Flag Day!” instead.

Trump responded the way any emotionally unavailable billionaire might: with a second-place golf trophy from 1993, hastily re-engraved to read, “To My Favorite Slovenian: Most Improved.”

“He said it was symbolic,” Melania told a close friend. “Because I’m the only one he ever gave a trophy to without beating first.”

Trump defended the gesture, claiming, “That trophy’s very rare. Only 14 people have touched it. One of them was a future dictator. You’re welcome, Melania.”

When asked whether he’d considered a verbal apology instead, Trump replied, “Why talk when you can gift? This is better than roses—it’s a 9-iron legacy.”

Melania has since refused to dust the trophy, stating, “It reminds me he can’t say ‘I’m sorry,’ only ‘You’re welcome.’”

Rumors persist she’s planning her own line of marital golf trophies titled “Try Again: The Collection.”

Oval Office Equipped With Trapdoor That Activates If “Sorry” Is Said

According to newly leaked blueprints from White House contractors, the Oval Office now includes a discreet trapdoor installed beneath the presidential seal, rigged to spring open if any Commander-in-Chief utters the word “sorry.”

The mechanism, reportedly added during the Trump administration, was part of a “courage optics” initiative designed to discourage displays of vulnerability, empathy, or awareness of consequences.

Former aides confirm one unfortunate intern accidentally triggered it in 2018 by apologizing for bringing unsweetened tea. “We never saw Timmy again,” one official said. “We think he’s in Delaware, but we’re not sure.”

The trapdoor allegedly drops you directly into a forgotten conference room where Mike Pence is still waiting for instructions.

Biden staffers attempted to deactivate the device in 2021 but were told it would void the building’s emotional detachment warranty.

Trump, when asked about it, smiled. “It’s simple,” he said. “Say ‘sorry,’ and boom—you’re gone. That’s leadership.”

Future presidents are advised to use synonyms like “regret-adjacent” or “empathy-adjacent communication” instead. The new safe word is: “Oopsie.”

Trump Believes Contrition Is an Italian Cheese

In a recent Fox News interview, Donald Trump stunned linguists, theologians, and Olive Garden waiters alike by stating, “Contrition? Sounds delicious. I think I’ve had it on lasagna. Maybe with prosciutto.”

Pressed by host Jeanine Pirro for clarification, Trump doubled down. “I know cheese when I hear it, Jeanine. Contrition is like a fancy Parmesan. You grate it on top of things when people expect you to feel bad.”

Sources say this confusion began during a 2017 Vatican visit, when the Pope asked Trump if he had any contrition, and Trump reportedly responded, “No, but I brought ranch.”

Since then, Trump has allegedly referred to penance as a “side salad” and forgiveness as a “limited-time promotional dip.”

The Italian Cheese Consortium issued a statement: “Contrition is not a cheese, but given Trump’s influence, we are considering a rebrand.”

Meanwhile, MAGA supporters have started requesting “extra contrition” at Domino’s, forcing the company to reprint menus with a footnote: “Contrition not currently available, but we’re looking into it.”

New York Times Replaces “Correction” Section With “Trump Said It Again” Tracker

Citing efficiency and existential fatigue, the New York Times has officially retired its long-standing “Corrections” section and replaced it with a live-updating ticker called the “Trump Said It Again” Tracker™.

The new feature uses AI to automatically detect when Trump repeats a false claim, misquotes the Constitution, or invents a new country. The current top-tracked phrases include:

• “I won the election, bigly.”

• “The moon is part of Mars.”

• “Abraham Lincoln invented the Republican Party to help me.”

The Times reports that the tracker updates every 11 minutes, on average, and includes a bonus sound effect: the faint sigh of a fact-checker sipping bourbon.

Editor-in-chief Bethany Sulk said, “It’s no longer about correcting falsehoods—it’s about survival. This is self-care for journalism.”

Readers can now subscribe to push alerts with custom settings:
[ ] Earth Lies
[ ] Historical Rewrites
[X] Confusing Food with Policy

Trump responded: “I think it’s a compliment. Nobody says it again better than me.”

Bible Edited for Trump Edition: All Sins Now Just “Strong Choices”

In a bold move aimed at aligning spiritual doctrine with modern branding, publishers have released a “Trump Edition” of the Bible in which all sins are redefined as “strong choices.”

The Ten Commandments have been edited to read more like motivational slogans:

• “Thou Shalt Not Steal (Unless It’s a Business Strategy).”

• “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness (Unless on Social Media).”

• “Remember the Sabbath, or at least brunch.”

The Book of Job is now titled “The Art of the Loyalty Test”, and the Book of Revelations has been replaced with “The Art of the Comeback: End Times Edition.”

Trump, during a book launch held at the newly consecrated Mar-a-Lago Chapel, said, “Jesus was a winner. Water into wine? Incredible branding. Loaves and fishes? Bulk catering. I respect that.”

Critics from every major denomination have condemned the release. Still, the Trump Bible sold 5 million copies in its first week, mostly to people who also believe Revelation was ghostwritten by Alex Jones.

The final line of the Trump Bible reads:
“And on the seventh day, God tweeted ‘Nailed it.’”

Trump Vows to Never Apologize, Unless the Apology Is for How Awesome He Is

At a recent rally in Tulsa, Donald Trump promised the crowd he would “never apologize” under any circumstances—“unless it’s for being too successful, too handsome, or just too unbelievably right.”

The crowd erupted in chants of “TOO AWESOME! TOO AWESOME!” as Trump faked wiping away a tear with a diamond-encrusted handkerchief.

“People ask me, ‘Mr. President, do you have any regrets?’ And I say yes—I regret being so advanced they can’t keep up.”

When confronted by a reporter about dozens of controversial past statements, Trump replied, “I’ll apologize the day the moon apologizes for shining too bright.”

Aides say this isn’t new behavior. “He once told a dog to apologize for barking too loudly at his helicopter,” said one former assistant. “The dog actually complied.”

Commemorative plates are now being sold online bearing the phrase:
“Sorry, I’m Awesome — The 47th Edition.”

The plates are non-microwavable, just like the man himself.

Rallygoers Chant: “No Guilt, No Shame, USA All Day!”

In a scene best described as “Fourth of July meets group therapy avoidance,” supporters at a Trump rally in Tallahassee broke into a spontaneous chant:
“NO GUILT, NO SHAME, USA ALL DAY!”

The slogan originated when a supporter misheard Trump’s speech about “national pride” and thought he said “national denial.”

Vendors quickly seized the moment, hawking shirts that read:
“My President Has Never Regretted a Thing (And Neither Have I).”

Trump, catching wind of the chant, beamed. “I love it. That’s the energy we need—guilt is for Europe, and shame is for people who don’t own boats.”

Sociologists have expressed concern. “When shame disappears,” said Dr. Ellie Frownstein, “you get either Woodstock or January 6th. Or both.”

The chant is now being considered as the official anthem of the 2028 Republican National Convention, along with a drumline composed entirely of tax evasion lawyers.

As one shirtless man shouted between vape puffs, “We don’t feel bad about anything—except kale!”

Written by the Shadow Bureau of Ego Management, in collaboration with a dairy farmer who’s never once apologized to a cow.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

Think About It… .

1. “Trump treats apologies the way vegans treat bacon—he pretends he’s never even heard of ’em.” — Ron White

2. “Every time someone says, ‘He should apologize,’ he adds another golf hole to Mar-a-Lago.” — Jerry Seinfeld

3. “If Trump ever said ‘sorry,’ the TelePrompTer would burst into flames from the unfamiliar syllables.” — Sarah Silverman

4. “He’s the only guy who can spill soup on a baby and then sue the baby for being in the way.” — Kevin Hart

5. “Trump thinks ‘remorse’ is just a French word for repainting a casino.” — Bill Burr

6. “You know that thing where you accidentally call your wife by your ex’s name? Trump did that to the Constitution.” — Amy Schumer

7. “He dodges apologies like they’re taxes, which is impressive since he also dodges taxes.” — Larry David

8. “Trump’s version of saying ‘I was wrong’ is just yelling louder until people forget what the argument was.” — Trevor Noah

9. “He once said ‘I regret nothing’ so hard, Nixon flinched in hell.” — Chris Rock

10. “Apologizing would break his brand—his entire ego is held together with red hats and denial.” — Ali Wong

11. “He thinks empathy is what happens when someone gets shot in a soap opera.” — Dave Chappelle

12. “Trump saying ‘I’m sorry’ would be like a bald eagle crying. Un-American and probably Photoshopped.” — Groucho Marx (channeling from the beyond)

BREAKING NEWS:

Trump Confirms He Has “Nothing to Apologize For, Including This Statement”

At a spontaneous press conference held between golf holes 9 and 10, former President Donald Trump declared, “I have absolutely nothing to apologize for, including this statement, which is flawless, beautiful, and actually healed a guy’s shingles.”

Pressed by reporters on past controversies—including a hurricane forecast Sharpie edit, bleach-based health tips, and several hundred ethical violations—Trump simply waved his hands like a magician denying gravity. “Look,” he said, “apologizing is what you do when you’re weak. Or Canadian.”

Sources confirm he then pivoted directly to a story about how he once made a hurricane “go the other way” with sheer willpower and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Melania, seen nearby, muttered, “He once apologized to a sandwich for dropping it, but never to me.” Trump then turned and added, “Even that sandwich was out of line.”

Historians are now debating whether “never apologizing” should be included on Mount Rushmore’s next renovation, replacing Teddy Roosevelt with a statue holding up a gold-plated “NO REGRETS” sign.

Melania Asked for an Apology; Trump Gifted Her a Golf Trophy

White House insiders report that First Lady Melania Trump, in a rare moment of vulnerability, once asked Donald Trump for a sincere apology after he forgot their anniversary and tweeted “Happy Flag Day!” instead.

Trump responded the way any emotionally unavailable billionaire might: with a second-place golf trophy from 1993, hastily re-engraved to read, “To My Favorite Slovenian: Most Improved.”

“He said it was symbolic,” Melania told a close friend. “Because I’m the only one he ever gave a trophy to without beating first.”

Trump defended the gesture, claiming, “That trophy’s very rare. Only 14 people have touched it. One of them was a future dictator. You’re welcome, Melania.”

When asked whether he’d considered a verbal apology instead, Trump replied, “Why talk when you can gift? This is better than roses—it’s a 9-iron legacy.”

Melania has since refused to dust the trophy, stating, “It reminds me he can’t say ‘I’m sorry,’ only ‘You’re welcome.’”

Rumors persist she’s planning her own line of marital golf trophies titled “Try Again: The Collection.”

Oval Office Equipped With Trapdoor That Activates If “Sorry” Is Said

According to newly leaked blueprints from White House contractors, the Oval Office now includes a discreet trapdoor installed beneath the presidential seal, rigged to spring open if any Commander-in-Chief utters the word “sorry.”

The mechanism, reportedly added during the Trump administration, was part of a “courage optics” initiative designed to discourage displays of vulnerability, empathy, or awareness of consequences.

Former aides confirm one unfortunate intern accidentally triggered it in 2018 by apologizing for bringing unsweetened tea. “We never saw Timmy again,” one official said. “We think he’s in Delaware, but we’re not sure.”

The trapdoor allegedly drops you directly into a forgotten conference room where Mike Pence is still waiting for instructions.

Biden staffers attempted to deactivate the device in 2021 but were told it would void the building’s emotional detachment warranty.

Trump, when asked about it, smiled. “It’s simple,” he said. “Say ‘sorry,’ and boom—you’re gone. That’s leadership.”

Future presidents are advised to use synonyms like “regret-adjacent” or “empathy-adjacent communication” instead. The new safe word is: “Oopsie.”

Trump Believes Contrition Is an Italian Cheese

In a recent Fox News interview, Donald Trump stunned linguists, theologians, and Olive Garden waiters alike by stating, “Contrition? Sounds delicious. I think I’ve had it on lasagna. Maybe with prosciutto.”

Pressed by host Jeanine Pirro for clarification, Trump doubled down. “I know cheese when I hear it, Jeanine. Contrition is like a fancy Parmesan. You grate it on top of things when people expect you to feel bad.”

Sources say this confusion began during a 2017 Vatican visit, when the Pope asked Trump if he had any contrition, and Trump reportedly responded, “No, but I brought ranch.”

Since then, Trump has allegedly referred to penance as a “side salad” and forgiveness as a “limited-time promotional dip.”

The Italian Cheese Consortium issued a statement: “Contrition is not a cheese, but given Trump’s influence, we are considering a rebrand.”

Meanwhile, MAGA supporters have started requesting “extra contrition” at Domino’s, forcing the company to reprint menus with a footnote: “Contrition not currently available, but we’re looking into it.”

New York Times Replaces “Correction” Section With “Trump Said It Again” Tracker

Citing efficiency and existential fatigue, the New York Times has officially retired its long-standing “Corrections” section and replaced it with a live-updating ticker called the “Trump Said It Again” Tracker™.

The new feature uses AI to automatically detect when Trump repeats a false claim, misquotes the Constitution, or invents a new country. The current top-tracked phrases include:

• “I won the election, bigly.”

• “The moon is part of Mars.”

• “Abraham Lincoln invented the Republican Party to help me.”

The Times reports that the tracker updates every 11 minutes, on average, and includes a bonus sound effect: the faint sigh of a fact-checker sipping bourbon.

Editor-in-chief Bethany Sulk said, “It’s no longer about correcting falsehoods—it’s about survival. This is self-care for journalism.”

Readers can now subscribe to push alerts with custom settings:
[ ] Earth Lies
[ ] Historical Rewrites
[X] Confusing Food with Policy

Trump responded: “I think it’s a compliment. Nobody says it again better than me.”

Bible Edited for Trump Edition: All Sins Now Just “Strong Choices”

In a bold move aimed at aligning spiritual doctrine with modern branding, publishers have released a “Trump Edition” of the Bible in which all sins are redefined as “strong choices.”

The Ten Commandments have been edited to read more like motivational slogans:

• “Thou Shalt Not Steal (Unless It’s a Business Strategy).”

• “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness (Unless on Social Media).”

• “Remember the Sabbath, or at least brunch.”

The Book of Job is now titled “The Art of the Loyalty Test”, and the Book of Revelations has been replaced with “The Art of the Comeback: End Times Edition.”

Trump, during a book launch held at the newly consecrated Mar-a-Lago Chapel, said, “Jesus was a winner. Water into wine? Incredible branding. Loaves and fishes? Bulk catering. I respect that.”

Critics from every major denomination have condemned the release. Still, the Trump Bible sold 5 million copies in its first week, mostly to people who also believe Revelation was ghostwritten by Alex Jones.

The final line of the Trump Bible reads:
“And on the seventh day, God tweeted ‘Nailed it.’”

Trump Vows to Never Apologize, Unless the Apology Is for How Awesome He Is

At a recent rally in Tulsa, Donald Trump promised the crowd he would “never apologize” under any circumstances—“unless it’s for being too successful, too handsome, or just too unbelievably right.”

The crowd erupted in chants of “TOO AWESOME! TOO AWESOME!” as Trump faked wiping away a tear with a diamond-encrusted handkerchief.

“People ask me, ‘Mr. President, do you have any regrets?’ And I say yes—I regret being so advanced they can’t keep up.”

When confronted by a reporter about dozens of controversial past statements, Trump replied, “I’ll apologize the day the moon apologizes for shining too bright.”

Aides say this isn’t new behavior. “He once told a dog to apologize for barking too loudly at his helicopter,” said one former assistant. “The dog actually complied.”

Commemorative plates are now being sold online bearing the phrase:
“Sorry, I’m Awesome — The 47th Edition.”

The plates are non-microwavable, just like the man himself.

Rallygoers Chant: “No Guilt, No Shame, USA All Day!”

In a scene best described as “Fourth of July meets group therapy avoidance,” supporters at a Trump rally in Tallahassee broke into a spontaneous chant:
“NO GUILT, NO SHAME, USA ALL DAY!”

The slogan originated when a supporter misheard Trump’s speech about “national pride” and thought he said “national denial.”

Vendors quickly seized the moment, hawking shirts that read:
“My President Has Never Regretted a Thing (And Neither Have I).”

Trump, catching wind of the chant, beamed. “I love it. That’s the energy we need—guilt is for Europe, and shame is for people who don’t own boats.”

Sociologists have expressed concern. “When shame disappears,” said Dr. Ellie Frownstein, “you get either Woodstock or January 6th. Or both.”

The chant is now being considered as the official anthem of the 2028 Republican National Convention, along with a drumline composed entirely of tax evasion lawyers.

As one shirtless man shouted between vape puffs, “We don’t feel bad about anything—except kale!”