From Launchpad to Limericks: The Starliner Saga, or How We Learned to Stop Thrusting and Love the Delay
SEATTLE, WA — In a shocking literary twist that has the publishing world gasping for air (and helium), Boeing Starliner executives John Mulholland and Paul Krause have co-authored the most unintentionally hilarious memoir of the aerospace era. The book, titled From Launchpad to Limericks: The Starliner Saga, is a 400-page confession, excuse-fest, and poetic breakdown of everything that went wrong with their billion-dollar spacecraft.
Released by Galactic Publishing (“Books for People Orbiting Rock Bottom“), the memoir combines self-help, autobiography, and speculative fiction. It is currently #1 in Amazon’s “Books That Should Be Subpoenaed” category.
Chapter-by-Chapter Breakdown and Their Best Excuses
Chapter 1: “Time is a Suggestion”
Excerpt: “We didn’t miss the launch window – we were fashionably orbital.”
Excuse: Launch delays aren’t failures. They’re exercises in suspense-building. “We prefer the term dramatic pacing,” writes Mulholland.
Chapter 3: “Consent in the Cosmos”
Excerpt: “Thrusters didn’t fail. They just practiced nonviolent resistance.”
Excuse: In a bold redefinition of malfunction, Krause insists the thrusters were merely “refusing to contribute to toxic propulsion culture.”
Chapter 5: “Leaky But Poetic”
Excerpt: “The helium leaks were just a performance art piece.”
Excuse: “We were creating an audible metaphor for American aerospace optimism slowly escaping into the void.”
Chapter 7: “Launch Me Softly”
Excerpt: “Space is hard. Especially for us.”
Excuse: The team reveals they were under spiritual pressure to “not rush the journey of discovery.” Also, the vending machine ate their quarters.
Chapter 9: “The Diva Module”
Excerpt: “Boeing builds character… and sometimes capsules.”
Excuse: Starliner had a mind of its own. It was described as “temperamental, dramatic, and allergic to forward momentum.”
Chapter 10: “Celestial Scheduling Conflicts”
Excerpt: “We didn’t delay the launch—the universe just wasn’t ready yet.”
Excuse: “Astrological misalignment. Mercury was retrograde, and the capsule is a Gemini.”
Chapter 12: “The Great Stapler Scandal”
Excerpt: “If you think we’re bad, wait till you read Chapter 12.”
Excuse: Office supplies sabotage. Procurement officer named “Greg” hoarded all critical staples and whiteboard markers. The mission plans were written on the back of expired Chili’s coupons.
Chapter 14: “Return Optional”
Excerpt: “We weren’t lost in orbit—we were ‘exploring options.'”
Excuse: Mission control tried to justify it as an “extended field trip.” Krause adds, *”We were collecting space vibes, not soil samples.”
Chapter 16: “Surviving by Vibe”
Excerpt: “At least nobody died. Except our reputations.”
Excuse: Reputation loss is part of innovation. Mulholland writes, *”Every great aerospace scandal needs a human face. We were happy to volunteer ours.”
Chapter 18: “Elon’s Escape Plan”
Excerpt: “The SpaceX guys were actually pretty nice about rescuing us.”
Excuse: “We weren’t rescued. We were… generously re-accommodated.”
Excuses They Didn’t Put in the Book (But We Found Anyway)
- “The spacecraft was designed on Microsoft Paint.”
- “Our project lead thought ‘escape velocity’ was a philosophical term.”
- “Someone spilled kombucha on the autopilot.”
The Reviews Are In
NASA: “A heartwarming comedy, if you ignore the orbital negligence.”
Elon Musk: “Reads like the prequel to WALL-E, but dumber.”
The Guardian: *”It’s ‘The Martian’ if Matt Damon had no idea what he was doing and kept quoting Robert Frost.”
A Future Broadway Adaptation?
Rumors swirl that Lin-Manuel Miranda has optioned the rights for a musical adaptation. Working title: Starliner: A Delayed Ballad. The closing number? “One Small Step, Two Months Late.”
Closing Thoughts
In the final chapter, Mulholland and Krause write: *”We didn’t build a spacecraft. We built a moment. A vibe. A meme. And someday, someone else will fly it home.”
Amen.
Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: a cowboy and a farmer. Neither has flown a spacecraft, but both have repaired tractors more reliable than Starliner. All quotes are deeply paraphrased, spiritually true, and helium-tested.