Legislators Set New Record for Procrastination

Experts Say the Only Urgent Action Congress Takes is Giving Itself Raises

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark moment for government efficiency, Congress has voted—after extensive deliberation—to delay voting on its latest resolution to delay future votes. The motion, officially titled the “Temporary Postponement of Procedural Postponements Act,” passed with bipartisan support after weeks of intense debate on whether the vote should be postponed indefinitely.

Sources inside Capitol Hill say lawmakers debated for hours whether the act itself should include an amendment delaying its own implementation, leading to a legislative paradox that left one congressman “questioning reality itself.” Senate leaders confirmed that a decision to vote on whether to delay the act would be addressed “at a later, as-yet-undetermined date.”

“This is a victory for the American people,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Fenrick, who has never sponsored a bill that became law. “The last thing we want is to rush into making decisions. We must weigh the pros and cons of waiting before deciding on whether to wait.”

Political analysts note that this marks the twelfth time this year Congress has successfully avoided taking action. One expert estimated that by the time lawmakers actually vote on a bill, the issue it was intended to address has either resolved itself or become someone else’s problem.

Voters across the country expressed mixed reactions, ranging from confusion to outright indifference. “I stopped paying attention when they delayed the infrastructure bill back in 2019,” said one former policy enthusiast from Ohio. “I think that pothole on my street is now considered a historical landmark.”

Meanwhile, some members of Congress suggested taking the process a step further. A proposed addendum, the “Filibuster of Filibusters Bill,” would allow representatives to delay discussions on whether to delay discussions. While critics decried the measure as redundant, proponents insisted that it would streamline the delay process by making it easier to avoid responsibility altogether.

“I believe in efficiency,” said Representative Linda Paxton, while exiting a meeting where no one agreed on anything. “Instead of going through the motions of voting, we should just automatically delay all votes. It would save time.”

As the American people await another round of stalled legislation, Congress assures them that their needs will be addressed “as soon as possible, pending further review.” The next hearing to determine when the vote might take place is expected to be scheduled for “sometime after lunch, but no guarantees.”

15 Humorous Observations About Congressional Delays

• Congress runs on a “hurry up and wait” system, but mostly just “wait.”
• The fastest thing Congress has ever passed is blame.
• A bill spends more time waiting for a vote than a DMV customer waits for their number to be called.
• Legislators treat the word “deadline” the way toddlers treat bedtime—purely optional.
• If Congress were a delivery service, your package would arrive long after you moved to a different address.
• Government inaction is the only bipartisan agreement.
• If Congress had to vote on oxygen, we’d all be suffocating.
• Lawmakers can filibuster anything—except a lobbyist’s dinner invitation.
• Congress is proof that procrastination can be a full-time job.
• The only thing that moves slower than Congress is a snail stuck in rush hour.
• Congress members campaign on fixing problems they caused by delaying solutions.
• The approval rating of Congress is so low, even DMV employees seem more efficient.
• Lawmakers take longer to read a bill than it took to write the Constitution.
• If passing laws was an Olympic event, Congress would be watching from home.
• The best way to ensure nothing gets done? Give it to Congress.

5 Comedian One-Liners on Congressional Delays

“Congress is proof that you can make six figures and still not work a single day.” – John Mulaney

“The government could delay the apocalypse, but only by a few weeks.” – Stephen Colbert

“Congress moves so slow, the dinosaurs had a faster exit plan.” – Seth Meyers

“Nothing makes me feel better about my own procrastination than watching Congress work.” – Trevor Noah

“You know what’s faster than Congress? My grandma deciding what to order at a restaurant.” – Jimmy Kimmel