Democracy turns out not to include a skip option SAN FRANCISCO, California - America's technology billionaires are reassessing their commitment to democracy after voters across multiple states supported restrictions on new

Frustration Goes Collective and Tax-Exempt BOSTON, Mass. — Millions of Americans have discovered a remarkable new outlet for personal dissatisfaction: Instead of complaining about their lives individually, they can complain collectively

Narco-Terrorist Operation Spearheaded from South — Apparently It's Not Just the Weather That's Getting Hot The Pentagon has announced a massive narco-terrorist operation spearheaded from the southern border, explaining that "things are heating

Thomas & Friends: The Gritty Reboot Nobody Saw Coming Now a Dieselpunk Thriller About Surveillance, Sabotage, and Sodor’s Crumbling Infrastructure ISLE OF SODOR — The iconic blue train with the friendly face

Nation Mobilizes Against Distressed Denim BEDFORD, N.Y. —Martha Stewart dressed as a homeless person for Halloween, and America reacted as though she had personally evicted everyone in the country. The 85-year-old lifestyle

Candy Land Adapted into Prestige Drama About Addiction, Betrayal, and Sweet Colonialism Queen Frostine Is Cancelled, Lord Licorice Is a War Criminal, and Gumdrop Pass Is Booby-Trapped SAVANNAH, GA — Childhood’s sweetest

Sam Altman and the Case of the Ever-Expanding Truth: A Bold AI Odyssey The AI Messiah and His Divine Revelations Sam Altman, boy-genius turned messianic software whisperer, has long operated with the

US Foreign Policy Enters Retro Phase, Reboots 1956 Suez Crisis With Updated Soundtrack and Same Ending Five Observations to Set the Scene (Before the Historians Start Weeping) America has entered what

Royal Lodge to Rubber Room: Prince Andrew's Eviction Saga 🎭 When Royal Real Estate Meets Existential Crisis If you peek into the royal soap opera machine this week, you'll find Prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor starring

U.S. Navy Supercarrier Breaks Record for Longest Deployment, Crew Begins Identifying as "Ocean Adjacent" "I've been on long trips, but never one where the return date is written in pencil and

Two Full-Contact Sports, Only One Charges Admission PARIS, FRANCE, October 24, 2026 - American football fans arriving in Paris for Sunday's historic Pittsburgh Steelers versus New Orleans Saints game have

Content Authentication Tools That “Detect” Fake News (and Occasionally Create It) SILICON VALLEY — April 2025 — As AI-generated nonsense, deepfake mayors, and news articles written by blender instruction manuals flood

Venice Beach Declares Sovereignty, Renames Itself “The Independent Republic of Vibe” America’s First Hippie Secession VENICE BEACH — In a movement described as equal parts secession, sound bath, and bureaucratic ayahuasca trip,

Taxing the Top: How Progressive Revenue Reshapes City Budgets, Inequality, and Political Power Mamdani Times For as long as New York has existed, there have been two kinds of residents: the people

Iran Might Skip the World Cup — Because America Already Won the Pre-Game An Exclusive, Deeply Researched, Totally Serious Satirical "News" Story The Situation: America Hosts the World Cup and, Oh By

China's "Narrow Options" Plan: A Comedy of Waterways Every empire dreams of glory. Some dream of soybeans. Others dream of silicon. But the empire du jour—let's call it Big Party China—seems

Is ASML's Revenue Projection a Crystal Ball or Just Wishful Thinking Amidst Chip Chaos? EINDHOVEN, NETHERLANDS — April 2025 — Dutch tech giant ASML, the company that makes the machines that

Protest Like a Pro: How the 50501 Movement Outscheduled the Entire U.S. Government WASHINGTON, D.C. — April 2025 — While the U.S. government scrambles to hold a coherent press briefing without

Maduro Reportedly Unaware Of Mamdani, Still Proud Of Whatever Fox News Thinks Is Happening When American Television Explains Your New Best Friend According to sources close to Nicolás Maduro, the Venezuelan leader

Did the U.S. Decline to Condemn the Sumy Attack Because It Was Too Busy Redefining ‘Neutrality’? WASHINGTON, D.C. — April 2025 — Following a deadly missile strike on Sumy, Ukraine, which

AI Diagnoses Everything, Doctors Panic; Patients Now Diagnosed With 'Existential Overload' By Ingrid Gustafsson, Bohiney Magazine Dr. Harriet Pillsbury spent twelve years in medical school learning how to diagnose diseases. Now her

Tariffs on Canadian Maple Syrup: Trump’s Final Battle Against Pancake Dependency WASHINGTON, D.C. — April 2025 — As dawn breaks over the Potomac and cholesterol thickens in the veins of a

America's Most Powerful Companies Discover the White House Has a Cover Charge, and the President's Dance Floor Is Better Funded Than Most Public Schools WASHINGTON, D.C., October 17, 2026. America's technology

Iranian Strikes Decimate Qatar’s Camel Population “They targeted our lattes, our desalination plants, and now our camels. What’s next—our falcon spas?” By Abdul J. Falafel | Livestock & Light Warfare Desk DOHA —

Willy Wanker and the Hershey Highway (Hershey PA) Hershey PA: An Exposé of Capitalism, Cocoa, and Confectionery Madness in Pennsylvania's Sweetest Nightmare Welcome to the Chocolate Dystopia Once known for its charming aroma

Fast-Casual Restaurant Brand Shutters Amid Rising Costs as Urban Professionals Lose Wellness Demonstration Venue Salad Chains and Moral Eating People do not eat salads because they are hungry; they eat salads

AOC Offers Political Advice, Perhaps Unwanted, but Entertaining AOC Weighs In on Chi Ossé Primary Challenge: "Not a Good Idea" Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reportedly advised that Chi Ossé's primary challenge against House

Ministry of Defense Cites "Technical Glitch" in Schedule, Blames "Aggressive Auto-Pilot" Russia Cites Major Digital Flaw for Recent Attacks: The 'Do Not Disturb' Setting Was Accidentally DisabledMOSCOW--The Kremlin has issued a

Democratic Officials Urge Calm, Ask Supporters to Stop Treating Federal Agents Like Boss-Level Enemies Democratic leaders across the country urged calm this week following an ICE-related shooting in Minneapolis, asking supporters to

East Bay Marxists: America's Highest Concentration of Morons Per Capita East Bay Marxists: America's Highest Concentration of People Who Have Never Met a Payroll Berkeley, CA — There are places on Earth

Why Do MAGA Folks Take Everything So Seriously? (And Has the Red Hat Swallowed Their Funny Bone?) There was a time when Americans could laugh at themselves—when a president could get roasted

The vice president has a fair question about uranium, an old question, and no one to hand it to. WASHINGTON - JD Vance has a question. Why does Iran need fuel

Trump's Cultural Coup: Kennedy Center Ratings Collapse Reveals Hollowness of Authoritarian Spectacle The president's hostile takeover of America's premier arts institution yields historically low viewership—exposing the emptiness behind power without popular