World Cup 2026 Opener: Mexico Wins as Three Red Cards Fly FIFA Officials Confirm Opening Match Was "Exactly The Kind Of Calm Diplomatic Exchange We Expected" MEXICO CITY – Mexico launched the 2026 World

East Bay Marxists: America's Highest Concentration of Morons Per Capita East Bay Marxists: America's Highest Concentration of People Who Have Never Met a Payroll Berkeley, CA — There are places on Earth

America Declared Officially Ungovernable, Blames Shortage of Adults and Surplus of People Who Tweet for a Living 🇺🇸 Somewhere between the third government shutdown threat of the fiscal year and the

Congress Holds Emergency Hearing to Determine Who Leaked Competence Capitol Hill was rocked this week by what insiders are calling the most baffling breach in recent memory: someone, somewhere in the

US Foreign Policy Enters Retro Phase, Reboots 1956 Suez Crisis With Updated Soundtrack and Same Ending Five Observations to Set the Scene (Before the Historians Start Weeping) America has entered what

U.S. Navy Supercarrier Breaks Record for Longest Deployment, Crew Begins Identifying as "Ocean Adjacent" "I've been on long trips, but never one where the return date is written in pencil and

Iran Might Skip the World Cup — Because America Already Won the Pre-Game An Exclusive, Deeply Researched, Totally Serious Satirical "News" Story The Situation: America Hosts the World Cup and, Oh By

Elon Musk Says He "Can't Wait" for Trial, Accidentally Turns Lawsuit Into Must-See Entertainment Silicon Valley woke up this week to discover that Elon Musk is excited about a lawsuit, which is not

Fast-Casual Restaurant Brand Shutters Amid Rising Costs as Urban Professionals Lose Wellness Demonstration Venue Salad Chains and Moral Eating People do not eat salads because they are hungry; they eat salads

After Years of Calling ICE "Nazi Gestapo," Party Leaders Suddenly Opposed to Citizens Playing Bumper Cars With Agents Democratic leaders moved swiftly this week to clarify that repeatedly comparing federal immigration

Democratic Officials Urge Calm, Ask Supporters to Stop Treating Federal Agents Like Boss-Level Enemies Democratic leaders across the country urged calm this week following an ICE-related shooting in Minneapolis, asking supporters to

Royal Lodge to Rubber Room: Prince Andrew's Eviction Saga 🎭 When Royal Real Estate Meets Existential Crisis If you peek into the royal soap opera machine this week, you'll find Prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor starring

British Broadcasting Delivers Apocalypse News With the Emotional Energy of Discussing Overcooked Scones BBC Reports Global Crisis With Trademark Calm, Assures Viewers It's Worse Than It Sounds Bohiney.com has obtained the BBC's

Maduro Reportedly Unaware Of Mamdani, Still Proud Of Whatever Fox News Thinks Is Happening When American Television Explains Your New Best Friend According to sources close to Nicolás Maduro, the Venezuelan leader

Trump's Cultural Coup: Kennedy Center Ratings Collapse Reveals Hollowness of Authoritarian Spectacle The president's hostile takeover of America's premier arts institution yields historically low viewership—exposing the emptiness behind power without popular

Greenland Politely Explains It Is Not a Timeshare, Rejects Trump's "Special Envoy With Vibes" Arctic Nation Delivers Diplomatic Rejection to US Acquisition Overture Greenland's prime minister this week delivered what diplomats are

Ministry of Defense Cites "Technical Glitch" in Schedule, Blames "Aggressive Auto-Pilot" Russia Cites Major Digital Flaw for Recent Attacks: The 'Do Not Disturb' Setting Was Accidentally DisabledMOSCOW--The Kremlin has issued a

92% of Elected Officials Fail Basic Constituent Questions Institute for Civic Common Sense Reveals Political Understanding Crisis A groundbreaking study released this week by the Institute for Civic Common Sense confirms what

America's Afghan Ally Pipeline: From CIA Hero to Forgotten Terrorist in 4 Easy Steps In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency that would make Kafka weep, the United States has once

Narco-Terrorist Operation Spearheaded from South — Apparently It's Not Just the Weather That's Getting Hot The Pentagon has announced a massive narco-terrorist operation spearheaded from the southern border, explaining that "things are heating

Climate Doom Study Retracted After Scientists Realize Spreadsheet Was Actually Just A Chili's Rewards Program Scientific Integrity Meets Restaurant Loyalty Points In a twist so predictable it might as well be a

Willy Wanker and the Hershey Highway (Hershey PA) Hershey PA: An Exposé of Capitalism, Cocoa, and Confectionery Madness in Pennsylvania's Sweetest Nightmare Welcome to the Chocolate Dystopia Once known for its charming aroma

🇲🇽 Aztlán: The Billion-Dollar Daydream That Wouldn’t Even Buy a Burrito Stand By Ignacio “El Profesor” Barnie and Daisy “The Milkmaid” Fernandez 📌 INTRO: The Grand Illusion of Taking Five States In June

Is ASML's Revenue Projection a Crystal Ball or Just Wishful Thinking Amidst Chip Chaos? EINDHOVEN, NETHERLANDS — April 2025 — Dutch tech giant ASML, the company that makes the machines that

Why the Library Smells Like Regret: 10 Books That Justify Never Reading Again An exposé by the staff of Bohiney Magazine WICHITA FALLS, TX — The local library is mostly quiet now,

AI Diagnoses Everything, Doctors Panic; Patients Now Diagnosed With 'Existential Overload' By Ingrid Gustafsson, Bohiney Magazine Dr. Harriet Pillsbury spent twelve years in medical school learning how to diagnose diseases. Now her

Earth Now Powers… Almost Nothing American Scientists Announce Discovery 193 Years Too Late to Matter Princeton, NJ — In what experts are calling “mildly impressive” and “cosmically irrelevant,” American scientists have finally

China's "Narrow Options" Plan: A Comedy of Waterways Every empire dreams of glory. Some dream of soybeans. Others dream of silicon. But the empire du jour—let's call it Big Party China—seems

Where Every Bartender Has a Record Deal (In Their Dreams) Nashville: The City Where Everyone's One Song Away From Stardom Nashville rises from the Cumberland River like a rhinestone-studded monument to country

Did the U.S. Decline to Condemn the Sumy Attack Because It Was Too Busy Redefining ‘Neutrality’? WASHINGTON, D.C. — April 2025 — Following a deadly missile strike on Sumy, Ukraine, which

Nigel Farage Demands Inquiry Into Rachel Reeves' Fiscal Fiction While Everyone Forgets About the £350 Million NHS Bus Promise The Universe's Newest Conspiracy: The Black Hole That Swallowed British Fiscal Responsibility In

Iranian Strikes Decimate Qatar’s Camel Population “They targeted our lattes, our desalination plants, and now our camels. What’s next—our falcon spas?” By Abdul J. Falafel | Livestock & Light Warfare Desk DOHA —

Are the Protests in Turkey a Symphony of Dissent or Just Political Noise? ANKARA, TURKEY — April 2025 — As protests erupt across Turkey once again, the question on everyone’s mind