Frustration Goes Collective and Tax-Exempt
BOSTON, Mass. — Millions of Americans have discovered a remarkable new outlet for personal dissatisfaction: Instead of complaining about their lives individually, they can complain collectively and demand federal funding.
The revelation has transformed ordinary disappointment into one of the nation’s fastest-growing political industries.
The National Coalition of People Who Deserve Better
“People used to experience frustration privately,” explained political organizer Vanessa Revolution. “Now they can experience it publicly, professionally and, with the right nonprofit registration, tax-exempt.”
Revolution founded the National Coalition of People Who Deserve Better after discovering that her career, relationships and apartment were not progressing according to her expectations.
Initially, she considered changing jobs, taking evening classes or finding a less expensive apartment.
Then she attended a political organizing seminar.
“I realized I wasn’t making bad decisions,” she explained. “I was experiencing an insufficiently funded society.”
Within three weeks, she had established a nonprofit, created an executive director position for herself and applied for a government community empowerment grant.
Her organization now employs seven people whose primary responsibility is explaining why there are not enough resources to employ eight.
The Grant Paperwork
A copy of the coalition’s grant application, filed with a regional federal office and reviewed by reporters, lists the organization’s “primary outcome” as “validation.” Under “measurable deliverables,” it lists “three events and a feeling.” The Grants.gov portal accepts applications from any organization that meets the eligibility criteria, which turned out to be a lower bar than the coalition had expected.
Inside the Inaugural Conference
The coalition’s inaugural conference attracted hundreds of people dissatisfied with their financial circumstances, romantic prospects and inability to obtain restaurant reservations.
Participants spent the morning identifying structural barriers to personal fulfillment.
One attendee complained that his former girlfriend had married a dentist.
A workshop facilitator suggested this could represent the privatization of romantic opportunity.
Another participant explained that his friends were purchasing homes while he continued renting.
Organizers attributed the disparity to an oppressive housing system, although the participant acknowledged that his friends worked full-time and he had spent the previous three years attempting to establish a podcast about cryptocurrency.
“That’s not a failure,” Revolution reassured him. “That’s an emerging media enterprise experiencing systemic neglect.”
The coalition subsequently proposed a federal grant program for aspiring podcasters.
Trust in Government Effectiveness Is Falling
According to Gallup’s research on government effectiveness, only 43% of Americans believed the federal government was effective at making a positive impact on people’s lives.
Revolution considered this troubling evidence that government needed considerably more authority.
“We’ve barely scratched the surface of what government can do,” she explained.
A skeptical attendee asked why government should be trusted to manage personal happiness if so many people doubted its current performance.
Revolution accused him of introducing negativity into a constructive environment.
He was escorted to a separate room for an intensive positivity workshop.
There, participants were required to list five ways government could improve their lives.
One wrote, “Leave me alone.”
The facilitator crossed it out.
“That’s not an approved response.”
The Certificates Cost $84 Each
By the conference’s conclusion, organizers announced a major breakthrough: Every participant would receive an official certificate recognizing their struggles.
The certificates cost $84 each to produce.
An invoice from the printing vendor, obtained by reporters, itemizes the certificates as “frame, gold foil, embossed sentiment” and adds a separate $9 charge per certificate for “lamination of feelings.” The Internal Revenue Service’s guidance for charities and nonprofits requires organizations to spend funds on their stated purpose, a clause the coalition’s treasurer called “open to interpretation.”
The coalition immediately applied for an additional grant to study why government-funded certificates had become so expensive.
A former employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity because she still has a certificate on her wall, said the grant study had been underway for weeks. “The preliminary finding,” she said, “is that they’re expensive because we ordered them.”
Five Humorous Observations
- She wanted to change jobs, take classes or find a cheaper apartment. Instead she went to one seminar and became an executive director. That’s the fastest promotion in America, and she gave it to herself.
- Seven employees whose job is to explain why there’s no money for eight. That’s every HR department I’ve ever worked for. They’re just honest about it with a logo.
- The guy whose podcast about cryptocurrency isn’t working is a victim of “systemic neglect.” Sir, the system did not neglect you. The system listened to episode four.
- One of the participants wrote “Leave me alone” and the facilitator crossed it out. That was the only honest answer in the room, and it got edited by a woman with a lanyard.
- Eighty-four dollars per certificate recognizing your struggles. That’s the most expensive piece of paper in America that isn’t a college degree, and at least the certificate doesn’t come with a loan.