National Giggling Crisis Triggers Emergency Fatwa on Facial Movement

Clerics Ban Laughter Again, Claim It”s from the Devil”s Armpit

National Giggling Crisis Triggers Emergency Fatwa on Facial Movement

In a grim but somehow chuckle-worthy announcement, Iran”s Supreme Religious Authority has reissued a ban on public laughter, declaring it “a vaporous toxin emerging from the devil”s sweaty armpit.” The ruling follows an alarming increase in giggling during a televised sermon on proper grave etiquette.

“We must ask ourselves, what is laughter?” declared Ayatollah Tabrizi in a somber tone. “It is the uncontrolled convulsion of the face — the face, brothers and sisters! — and Satan resides in every facial spasm.”

The emergency fatwa, known officially as Fatwa 440B (“The Suppression of Joy in Facial Openings”), mandates immediate stillness of cheeks, lips, and eyebrows. Clerics warn that even silent snorting may lead to demonic tickling and eternal shame.

Public enforcers, now armed with “modesty microphones,” will patrol markets and parks listening for tonal deviations above 3 Hz. Laughter is to be reported, flagged, and followed by two hours of forced listening to sermon audiobooks narrated by ayatollahs on Valium.

Sources report that the original incident involved a group of teenage girls who snickered when a cleric mispronounced “resurrection” as “rice pudding.” That cleric has since fled to a monastery in Tabriz where no language is spoken — only chanted.

The clerical council”s decision was reinforced by testimony from the Department of Sin Studies, which confirmed through highly questionable charts that laughter has a direct correlation with moral collapse, wrist movement, and interest in foreign sitcoms.

Opposition figures point out that the Prophet himself smiled frequently, to which the council responded, “He smiled, yes. But not during PowerPoint sermons.”

In a compromise, the government is testing an app called “Halal Chuckle,” which converts laugh impulses into monotone affirmations of state-approved joy. The app”s beta version exploded after detecting irony in a fart joke.

For another clerical misunderstanding of human nature, read how ayatollah-khomeini once approved Tesla thinking it ran on righteous fumes.

SOURCE: National Giggling Crisis Triggers Emergency Fatwa on Facial Movement